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In Service: By Quirk quirk@numena.org
I think that it is useful to make a distinction between the elements of BDSM spirituality that involve using sensory stimuli to reach ecstatic states of communion with the sacred and those which involve some form of service to one's deity of choice. They may (probably usually are) blended in actual practice, but they are nonetheless distinct from one another, and worth looking at separately. My personal experience is predominantly with service *outside* of rituals involving sensory stimuli, although it was during such a ritual that I found myself called to Kali's service. It has taken me some time to work out exactly how to be in her service day-in and day-out, without the support of the very obvious "okay, now I'm submitting to being caned to within an inch of my life" aspects of ritual play, partly because I haven't been able to find much written about it anywhere, and what I *have* found has been mostly of the "I'm not worthy *grovel*, *grovel*" variety, which I find almost incomprehensible. If you believe, as I do, that everyone, human or animal, vegetable or mineral, incarnate or ethereal, is made up of the same stuff, the spun-out fabric of the ultimate Divinity, then it follows that everyone, human or animal, vegetable or mineral, incarnate or ethereal is, although not necessarily equal in scope or magnitude, equally holy. And that implies that we are all worthy of noticing, and being noticed by, each other, by the very nature of our beings. Whether you approach the Divine as a single God or Goddess who created everything, or as a pantheon of deities who take on broad, archetypal aspects of the Divine, or even as the individual rocks, trees, people, and so forth who, together, show the infinite creative variety of the Divine, your particular approach is not relevant to the underlying understanding that we are all equally sacred, which makes groveling and moaning "I'm not worthy" seem rather absurd. And yet, especially when one is involved in a relationship with some sort of deity, there is no escaping the fact that there are aspects of the Divine which are hugely beyond a single human being in scope, and therefore worthy of some profound respect. So how, exactly, is it possible to approach the Divine *both* as an equal and as something greater than yourself, at the same time? How is it possible to submit to something like a deity, without taking the "I'm not worthy" approach? Well, beyond a certain point, I have no more answers than anyone else, and my answers would probably not work for anyone who wasn't me, anyway, since any relationship, even one between you and your deity-of-choice, is going to be unique. I can, however, offer some broader suggestions about how you might approach creating such a relationship, out of my own experience. First of all, the models for a relationship of equals-but-more are all around us. Respected Elders are found in many traditions, those people whose age and experience have given them kinds of understanding that younger people simply haven't had time to acquire yet. They are honored for their scope of experience and knowledge, respected for those areas in which they *are* superior, but treated as equals in other areas; you probably wouldn't, for example, ooh and ahh because they got up and walked, since you came equipped with legs, just like they did, but you probably *would* honor them for training you in the traditional dances of your people, which they know and you don't; they are equals-but-more. The same sort of relationship exists between a teacher and student, or a mentor and mentee. I tend to think of my relationship with Kali as a blend between one of those sorts of relationships and a domme/sub relationship. I recognize and rejoice in the fact that her scope of knowledge and understanding is far greater than my own, and she has claimed the role of Mentor in my life, which means that she helps me to find and understand the lessons I need to face, in order to broaden myself, and she offers comfort, counsel, and the occasional smack-upside-the-head, as I make my way along. However, she's also the Domme to end all dommes, and I am her submissive; this dynamic is there simply because I *am* a submissive. It's how I approach the world, especially people I respect; I want to offer them service. It's the other half of this equation. She's my teacher and my domme, she gives me her guidance and support, and I give her my service. So, how does this work? I don't offer her blind obedience; the object, after all, is for me to learn and grow, which requires that I make, and accept responsibility for, my own decisions. I have the right to say "no"... although I don't usually choose to; what she asks of me is always within my power, if not easily within my courage. What I *do* offer her is the love and respect which are traditionally accorded to true Teachers, and, because she is a goddess and it is an option, I offer her my consent that she experience what I am experiencing at any time, without any express invitation. I believe that the fundamental motivating force in the universe is the desire to understand what it's like for others, what they think, what they feel, what they see, what they know, and, while Kali may be able to look at a flower on her own behalf any time she wants to, she isn't able to look at a flower through *my* eyes without... well, looking through my eyes. Many people conceive of a deity who knows what they are doing at all times, and who watches over them. My version is only a little different; my goddess can share what I'm doing, if she wants. And so I share my life with her; she may not be exercising that option at any given moment, but I have no way to know... which brings me to the most fundamental aspect of my service to her. Because I am acting, by my own choice, in her name as well as my own, I strive to live every moment of my life in such a way as to bring us both honor. This is something which I feel is an underlying ideal in any Domme/sub relationship, and, as this relationship is the most profound of any such relationship in my life, I do my best to realize that ideal to the best of my ability. And yes, I know that this may not be the sort of submission people have in mind, when they are arriving at the call of spirit through the doors of BDSM; like I said before, these are the details of my *own* answer to the question of how to shape such a relationship. For me, submission is more fundamental than sensation, and more practical as a daily approach; it won't be that way for everyone. And I by no means exclude ecstatic sensory practice from my relationship with my goddess; suffice it to say that she shares in my play and my pleasure, my laughter and my pain. Sometimes she even provides them. There are other things I do for her, of course; I have my rituals, and I make my offerings, but these are akin to bringing home flowers for my sweetheart; offerings freely made, but beyond the bounds of what is expected. I do them to shower her with the joy she inspires in me... and they are matched by the times when I am angry, or unhappy, or simply sulky. I try not to be too much of a jerk, and we both know that I won't break her. So -- this is my way of creating a relationship with a deity who is my equal-but-more: I am in service to Kali. I am her student, her submissive, and her chalice. I make a gift of myself to her each day, and she hones and polishes me, so that the next day's gift shines even brighter. I am worthy of her attention, and the worth of my gift does us both honor. ~~~~~ Copyright 2003 This article is reprinted here with the explicit permission of the author. If you would like to share it with others, please link directly to this page or contact the author for permission. It is a violation of copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without that permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more than 20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.
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