The Spiritual Aspects of Bottoming 

By Mary
allingoodtime53@hotmail.com


Lying before him nude on the table I calmed myself. There was no more waiting. It was to begin.

Other than a hug or a light touch on the arm we had never had any type of physical contact. Now I lay before him. On my back. Naked physically, emotionally, psychologically, and most of all spiritually. In a discussion before our first session he explained that he gave his bottom a light massage before he started a scene. I understood the psychological aspects what he did. I didn’t really understand with his touch he took possession. His touch was the most electric, sensual, soothing touch I have ever experienced. He had told me he would give me a light massage before he began. He said it helped the bottom to relax. NOT. He missed his judgment on that one. When he ran his hands over me after his initial Reiki treatment there was a complete relinquishment on my part. I was somewhat surprised that he had not penetrated me in some way during that initial contact. Surely he knew it was a very possessing act he committed with the massage, any kind of penetration would only have cemented it further. With his touch he took possession. He had blindfolded me. Later I was to regret not being able to look into his eyes as he too possession. I was still. Every movement, every sound, every sensation burned itself into my soul. I would never be the same again, not that I wanted to be. The quest had begun.

I knew that he was going to cane me. This session would probably include other experiences but it would start with sensuous caning. The words are a dichotomy but it works. I heard him pick up the canes.. This man had taught me to use them when he taught me to top. I knew I was bottoming to a true master. They gently caressed by skin. I knew their power to inflict pain but this was about pleasure. Two canes. Over my breasts. Across my stomach. Down. Over my legs. And back up to my already hot and wet pussy. I wanted to open my legs to him, to the power of the canes he held in his hands but that was control. If he wanted my legs spread he would spread them. When he used them gently to slap my breasts I could feel my control slipping further and further away. When the tip probed my clit, I wanted nothing more than to give myself to him completely, whatever that meant. I was definitely in the moment. Experiencing each and every touch. I wanted it to go on forever. When he stopped I wanted to cry out for more.

I also wanted to cry, literally. Not something I do easily or often. I found I liked the gentleness of the canes. The kindness of the man who used them. That tore at me much harder than any cane, whip, or other implement of pain/pleasure could.

He told me, in discussion after our first session, that he had almost vaginally fisted me during the first session. I had sensed his desire to do that and had been disappointed when he had not. Being fisted was a driving fantasy of mine. One or two had tried but none had succeeded. To have this man, soul mate, Dominant, friend, student be the first took the fantasy to a whole new level. Its power increased. Fisting had long ago taken on the image, for me anyway, of a very symbolic joining of two individuals. Anyone, well almost anyone, can have intercourse but fisting is different. It takes more skill and more physical accommodation to fist. The fact he considered fisting me during our first session struck me as ironic. He had always talked about progressing slowly when he topped an individual for the first time so he could learn to the body language of the bottom. That he would consider it on our first encounter as top and bottom seemed out of character. From sensual caning to fisting is a pretty big departure.

It seemed to me he was moving much faster than I had expected. I had told him the night I arrived that the ‘idea’ of being fisted was very erotic for me. When I sensed he was considering it I wanted his beautiful hand inside me more intensely than I thought possible. I had come to bottom to him. To push some limits, As spirit directed, to learn and move on. Now I was seeing a whole new dynamic. A bond way beyond our preexisting close relationship.

I had come with the idea that I was to lay down control. My life over the past year and one half had been very demanding on all levels. I had taken care of my mother in the aftermath of two strokes. That in itself had pushed so many of my limits and not pleasurably either. I felt I had aged 100 years through the experience. I had had to be in control. Responsible for her care. I continued to feel that need even after she transitioned in July. In the four years since my husband’s death there had been no one to take care of me on any level. I had shut down some emotions. To find balance again I had to trust someone even in a very minimal way to assume control. This friend was the only person I felt I could trust to take that control for me, even for a little while. On the vision or healing quest I was to allow him past my defenses, not an easy thing for me.

I had told him I was placing no limits on our time together. Not something I would do in a normal relationship and certainly not in a BDSM scenario. I knew him well however and while I had never bottomed to him before I had absolute trust in his judgment.

After a short break and some lunch, laced with much discussion we returned for another session. He had had his sub help me prepare the room the first time we played, this time I was to do it myself. I caught myself now wanting that part of the reality of bottoming. It brought back my problem with many of the dimensions of submitting that I have difficulty accepting. I don’t have a problem with serving, well in some ways, but this was pushing me. JI have met so many submissive women that cease to be in the process of serving. I find that problematic. I was bottoming for growth, not to give up who I had become. The impact of my resistance surprised me. I had not anticipated it. I got his tea, his juice. Something I would enjoy doing if I had not been expected to do it. Go figure. Ok so I was here to work and some of the issues were obviously not what I expected..

I cleared the room energetically. Selected the music. Burned the white sage. And was ready for the next session. He directed me to lay on my back. I knew he was going to be doing a more intense form of caning this time. The caning was not as intense as I had expected physically. He asked me about the intensity a couple times. I found l really liked it on my back although it was not done very hard. There is a draw for me on the back. I have not figured out what it is but I know I will somewhere down the line. He worked my thighs and buttocks and there was some pain but I did not find it difficult. Of course the fact I was laying down certainly made a difference in intensity. I did not find it particularly stimulating but was very willing to participate. I had hoped he would push me into subspace. I could have the release I sought and be nicely on my way. He stopped.
 
When I felt the cotton ball with its cold sensation and smell of alcohol across my shoulders I knew what was next. I felt him pinch my skin as he prepared to push the needle through. I had said in the past I would not do needle play but there were no limits now. I winced. It was not so much that it hurt all that much, I just couldn’t seem to help wincing.. I admitted to myself that I didn’t like it all that much but this was not about what I liked or didn’t like but it was about giving control of my body, mind, and spirit to another human being. He was in control and I was not about to object. Even though I did not like the sensation, the idea of submitting to his desires was definitely turning me on sexually.

The knives were next. I liked having him probe my groin area with their point. Scraping my skin was a neat sensation. At one point he grabbed my hair and pulled my head up and ran the knife over my throat. I knew I trusted him before I even called him to ask him to top me but I realized with that action just how much I trusted him. I have had surgery where they actually cut my throat. It left me feeling very vulnerable and has been a sensitive area for me since. I did not feel threatened by the action just total trust. I also laughed to myself. Better not let him know that all I had felt was trust. I knew he could change that in a heartbeat.

When he directed me to roll on my back I knew what was coming. He spread my legs. I heard the glove snap as he put it on. The Vaseline was cold. He had told me that when he fisted someone that he worked his hand in an in and out motion. I was getting my penetration. I could not spread wide enough for him. I tried to shift position to facilitate his entry. I worried about my bowels. I had been told that one should have an enema before a fisting. God why did the mundane have to enter into this experience. Because the mundane is in everything even the awesome. When he told me that I had his fist inside me I felt it was the most important thing I had ever done in my life. The fantasy was a reality. A much greater reality than any fantasy could ever be.

Having his fist inside me was an awesome feeling. He had planted his seed, and the result was the birth of a whole new bond in our relationship. He was the first. It was more intense than loosing my virginity. It was more significant than birthing a child. As a friend he is always in my heart but now we have created a new dimension to our relationship. One I am at a loss to describe except to say he is now a part of all that I am as I am a part of all that he is. It was born out of one hand being planted deep within my being.

I felt honored that he allowed me to give him Reiki treatment the next day. During that session I found myself on my knees at the head of the table. I leaned my head on the table with my crown chakra pointed toward his. I was in an Egyptian time. The message was he needed his queen. I did not give him that message because I was suspect of its origin because I found myself wanting to be her. At the foot of the table I felt the need to kiss his feet but resisted. Three things stopped me. First, I felt it would be bringing my intense sexual tension into the treatment and I did not want to muddy the lines. Second his 24/7 submissive woman was sitting there and she seemed threatened enough by our play the day before. I did not want to cause her any pain. Thirdly, it seemed out of place with the Reiki. From the perspective that time allows I believe the urge may have originated from my frustrated desire to verbalize that I was commending myself body, mind, and spirit into his power as I had planned to do before the next work session, a session that never occurred. Now I am not sure that is what it was but….

That evening he and I went to a Reiki Circle that he attended periodically. At the Reiki circle that night he did Reiki on me. Other than the day before when he did some Reiki on me before we started to play he had only done Reiki on me once before. Right after I attuned him to Reiki over two years prior. I felt so honored to have him give me a session. He said he felt there was something I needed to tell him. I dismissed it at that time because I thought that perhaps it was the areas I had addressed the concerns that had presented themselves in my journal that morning. Most of which I had already discussed with him. It did not occur to me until three days later that it might have had to do with the message about his queen. I have shared that since.

I stopped at the Natural Stone Bridge in Virginia on my return trip to Vermont . I was not sure why I did. Logic told me that I should just keep traveling. I had a long way to go and I had already lost a lot of time when I drove into the city to get my son some pictures of the Charlotte skyline.. I resisted but the message was strong. I stopped. It was wonderful to wonder along the brook, listen to the water moving in and around the rocks. See the squirrels bury their acorns. It was necessary for me to get back into the present. To be shown that life goes on even though my live had altered dramatically. It broke me from Charlotte and my friend. Reminded me to stay in the moment. Now is all I have. When I returned to my car I was again centered and calm.

I have to work at compartmentalizing my reactions to our play – I think work would be a more appropriate term. Somehow in the process I developed a dependence on my friend – a transference I did not expect. There has always been a bond but and there always will be a bond but adding this aspect to our relationship has triggered a need in me. It is a vulnerability, a sense that an integral part of myself is missing and he is that missing part. It is a desire to share other aspects of my life with him. It is a need to be cared for by him and to be gentle with myself as I heal, assimilate and integrate, as one would be after major surgery. It is a freedom and a loss of freedom. It is sexual and non-sexual. It is earthbound and boundless. It is a small aspect of the physical that transcends all boundaries. It is a death and a birth. It is the big picture of the eagle and the transcendence of the hawk. It is the need to grasp it close and the lesson of letting go. We didn’t play all that hard but the effect is larger than any welt could ever be.

As one coming back from a retreat, the processing is emotional, physical, psychological, and definitely beyond the everyday world as we know it. I have let myself experience it all. Knowing out of the pieces comes a new strength. A vision quest for sure, pulling the pins through my skin would be nothing after this quest.

The trepidation I experienced before I called him to ask him to top me, and agitation through out the ensuing days was easy compared to the thought of working together again. I will know what awaits me next time.
It is not the physical pain or intimacy that will be my undoing. I look forward to that with bated breath. I like the physical aspects of this relationship. I know the floggers and the whip will become real time friends. I look forward to the cutting or whatever else he chooses to do or not do to and with my physical form. I eagerly await the psychological aspects of our work together. Pushing and stepping over existing limits. Fun although difficult.

The emotional and spiritual bonds are going to be my most difficult areas. I found it unnerving when he was particularly gentle. It was then that I was most vulnerable. I have a very difficult time accepting genuine kindness or allowing someone to care for me. I push it away as my heart clamors for more. Go figure. This intrigues me. I know I have grown as a person and even though essentially I am already comfortable with who and what I am. I accept my weaknesses with the intent of turning them into strengths. To find myself still emotionally so vulnerable was a surprise. How can I accept the love of the universe if I have difficulty accepting the gentleness of another human being. A friend, mentor, soul mate, and top. If I can’t accept it from another then I must not have it within myself. Shit. I see lots of work around this aspect of the lessons.

The spiritual connection is the most potent of all the aspects of our work together. It is because of our absolute connection on this level, with its accompanying absolute trust, that I knew there are no limits between us, nor will there be. Whatever unfolds in the future is exactly as it should be. Wayne Dyer talks of the spiritual including the knowledge that we are souls with bodies. I am not sure that my friend and I are not one soul in two bodies, so close do I feel our bond to be.

Stepping into another meeting will be much harder than the first encounter. I will know more of the power he wields over me. The physical pain is so easy when compared with the total undoing of gentleness. Foolishly I thought this was about experiencing the pain as a step into an altered state. The altered state, in this case, was the union of the two individual souls into one or maybe the reunion.

I am left to wonder how some bottoms can go from one top to another. I guess it must be a difference in the experience. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.

I have a new admiration for his strength. I also sense a new understanding of his vulnerabilities. He spoke of the rush he felt when he was fisting. The knowledge that the person could not go anyplace without his consent. Does he miss the fact that control was there when first he placed his hands on my shoulder, the same absolute and total control. A control freely given.

~~~~~

Copyright 2003

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