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Confession of an
By Cleo Dubois of the Academy of S/M Arts Cleo Dubois is a renowned BDSM educator, personal
trainer in the kinky arts, ritualist, educational video maker and
community player. Her Academy of S/M Arts teaches bondage and S/M to
couples and Dominants in the privacy of her dungeon. She is also a
sought after presenter at leather venues and conferences. The Pain Game,
her first video (2000), screened widely both here and abroad. It has
received an award from the Society for the Scientific Study of
Sexuality. Her second video (2002), Tie me Up!, has gotten enthusiastic
reviews in Skin Two, On Our Backs, Blowfish and elsewhere. Both are
being noted for their authenticity and capture of the energy,
spirituality and sensuality of SM. Her videos can be found at: http://www.sm-arts.com If you enjoyed this column, read the SCENEprofiles Interview with Cleo Dubois ~~~
I was raised a good catholic schoolgirl in France. In my late teens I rejected both straight French values and those of the Church. Two decades later it is consensual S/M leathersex that brought me back to my spirituality. I came out in SM only a year before AIDS starting to decimate the gay leathermen I had the privilege to play with at the legendary Catacombs. I felt on the front lines of a war with an invisible enemy that was killing my brothers. On Saturday nights there was much whipping going on and crying our good byes to our departed lovers as we grieved our losses. These were rituals sometimes followed by fisting and big orgasms. There I learned how sex and spirit connect. SM for me is not only about sexuality. It is also about personal growth, healing, intimacy and spirituality. Many of us kinky folks have done, and are doing work, to make our lifestyle more understood. As people we need to trust and feel universal love. We need big pleasure that connects us to the Divine. That pleasure (or should I call it pain/pleasure/surrender) I have found in the erotic rituals we call SM Play. Intense sensations experienced in trust and respect can open the door to our inner spaces. There our spirit soars. As the whip Mistress sometimes I am dancing in Fire for Kali, the great Hindu Mother Goddess. Archetypes often come through us when we enter the sacred space of consensual SM. Some of my play experiences, when I bottom, have the quality of reflection I sense as praying. Isn't service devotion? Isn't devotion a gift of self? Isn't it what folks who are in D/s explorations seek? To grow in compassion, in trust, in surrender? In the last 15 years I danced once a year with bells sewn on my skin or pulled against hooks pierced through the skin of my upper chest (the heart Chakra) centering on the sensations and letting them take me where they will. I found that by pushing my body and embracing intense input I reach a place of stillness where I am bigger than my everyday reality. Burdens of my inner busy mind stop. Beauty just is and there's a feeling of oneness with life." This is the work I really do now. I have become a ritualist. It is a great privilege to share these experiences with others. My first video, The Pain Game, received much acclaim in the Leather and Queer community because the piercing and clothespins scenes resonated with many leatherfolk. The connection between Creed (my beautiful masochist) and I allowed both of us to fly in shamanic SM play. When I pulled a feathered zipper off her back, Kali energy was running through me. I felt the destructive energy that is also loving. I also felt the symbolic removal of her "skin" as a necessary part of growth and transformation. Once, at the hands of an especially gifted Top, I was ordered to stay completely quiet and still as he stroked my back over and over with a stingy whip. Once I got to that place of "suffering beautifully", suffering disappeared and I felt completely vibrant, alive, and calm. In fact, I experienced surrender and power at once. Empty and full. Alignment is another word that comes to my mind. In that space one feels at "core" and beautiful regardless of what the situation looks like -- receiving intense blows of a whip or paddle, for example, or groveling on all fours like a dog. As leatherfolk we can become healers. Archetypes manifest. The Healer or the Sadist can appear at any time, using the whip, pushing one to accept more, closing the hood's eye and mouth piece while encouraging the nervous bottom to breathe, go inward and trust, a gentle caress after a moment of intensity, a word of praise. Often we know we are wounded healers. We have been there, or in some ways we are still there. We have found strength within; others have helped us. We know our allies, we call for help to the Higher Powers, our ancestors. We hold the space for others to show their pain, their need to belong. We know how that feels. To remember our brother Geoff Mains : we are the Gentle Warriors. Peace,
~~~~~ Copyright 2003 This article is reprinted here with the explicit permission of the author. If you would like to share it with others, please link directly to this page or contact the author for permission. It is a violation of copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without that permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more than 20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.
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