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OK I Have A Submissive Now… What The Heck Do I Do? By Sensuous Sadie
I remember the very first scene I had with Bailey. He looked at me, hesitant, undecided. I looked at him, waiting for guidance. We might have wobbled there on the fence indefinitely. Neither one of us had the faintest idea about how to begin a BDSM scene; green as the hills of Vermont. Geeze, wouldn't it have been great to have some instructions?… Shazam! Here we go. The good thing is that Bailey and I were good friends, and we trusted each other. Although we didn't know a darn thing about BDSM, and there weren't many books around, we knew that we wanted to explore this power exchange thing. That had to be enough then, but if you are a novice who is little stuck on how to start, you will appreciate this basic advice. I'm writing it directed toward the dominant partner, but if you are Submissive and you know your Dominant doesn't know what to do, it can't hurt to share this with them. Try to be respectful when you do this however. I'm assuming you've already met your partner a few times in a safe place, or you know this person well enough to trust them. Regardless of whether you are female or male, Dominant or Submissive, your partner can hurt you if you're not careful. Not just the physical kind of danger, although that is real enough. More often people are hurt emotionally because their needs and expectations aren't fulfilled. You must not only communicate those needs and expectations to your partner, but also listen carefully to theirs. Look for red flags which might make you uncomfortable in any way. Listen to your intuition, and if you don't feel completely safe, then DO NOT PLAY with this person. I'm also assuming you've taken all the usual safety precautions for safe calls, safe words and the like. If you haven't done this, or in fact have no idea what I'm talking about, there are some excellent articles about these subjects on the APeX (www.albanypowerexchange.com) and Castle Realm (www.castlerealm.com) websites. Do not ever meet someone for play before you have spent time getting to know them. I'm not saying they will be ax murderers, only that if you haven't communicated clearly, it's very easy for a scene to get out of hand. If you are at a play party, you are somewhat more safe because of the audience and the dungeon master, but don't assume anything. You know you are a novice and presumably your partner also knows. Don't lie about it. If you do, they will figure it out eventually which will embarrass you down the road. It also puts the safety of your Submissive at risk because you have not been honest about your experience level. What Turns Your Partner On? The first thing to do is to find out what turns your partner on. Set up an hour or so for a private discussion, no interruptions, no kids. The easiest way to stimulate conversation is with a BDSM partners checklist. You can find a good one at the Castlerealm.com website. Yes, it can be bit embarrassing to talk about whether or not you like anal sex with someone you don't know well, but the alternative is to go into your first scene blind. As difficult as it is to discuss such intimate things, I would suggest that if you're not ready to talk at this level of detail, you aren't ready to be actually doing these things. Put your shyness aside and be totally honest with your partner. You do not have to talk about every single item. It's perfectly okay to come back to the embarrassing or uncomfortable items another day. This is a signal that these items should be on your "NO" list for now. You will want to discuss each item on the list and see how each of you feel about it. Be sure to take notes. If your Submissive is embarrassed or shy, come back to those items later. Do not engage in any play until you've ascertained the three big basics:
Start by reviewing the partner checklist and figuring out which things both of you like. Choose a few activities you both enjoy and do some thinking about how you will initiate the scene, what toys you might need, and how you can create an atmosphere of sensuality. It's a good idea in the beginning to choose scenes which are sensual in nature, and minimize extreme pain or bondage. Once you have a good sense of what your partner is interested in, you can create an exciting scene. Although you may love bondage, you should avoid it during your first few sessions. Knots can get complicated, but more importantly, your Submissive needs to have the option to leave at any time. Also, no gags until you know each other well. It will take a while to get to know this person, so you want to make sure they can communicate verbally at all times. Make sure you've told your Submissive that you won't be restraining them in any way or using gags, and why. Even if they say they want you to restrain them, and you want to do it, don't. You are the Dominant and you must have control over yourself first. Control isn't just about controlling the actual scene, but also about paying attention to your better judgement. Do not allow a Submissive to talk you into doing anything unsafe. Down the line you may want to "push their limits," but this isn't that time. They will have "hard limits," things they will absolutely not do, as well as "soft limits," the things which may be negotiable as you get to know each other better. When people talk about pushing limits, they are referring to the soft limits. Just a note to you Submissives, any Dominant who pressures you to do something you don't want to because he's "pushing your limits" and that's "his job as a Dominant" is full of himself. Pushing limits is a respected form of BDSM, but it's something experienced couples do. It is NOT something novices should be doing. When I am playing with a partner who is shy or scared, I often e-mail them in advance with a loose storyline of what I plan on doing. This way they don't have to be afraid of the unknown. Yes, it takes away from the spontaneity, but this first play date is not about spontaneity, it's about creating trust. The first meeting is not the time to go crazy with exotic toys and complicated scenarios. This is the time for you to demonstrate that you are trustworthy, which means you must live up to your word in every way. If you agreed to not have sex, do not even suggest it during the session. Your Submissive is in a vulnerable headspace during play, and will likely agree to things they might not have otherwise. If you take advantage of their state, they will be angry at you later for breaking your word, no matter that they agreed to it while under duress. Trust is the foundation of the D/s relationship and if you screw it up because you can't control yourself, you have broken the trust of someone who put their body in your hands. That's not dominance, it's self-indulgence. What To Wear And Bring Your first scene is not the time to go crazy with $500 worth of leather clothing and five floggers hanging off your belt. A little fetish fashion is fine, but take it easy. Choose comfortable clothing that you'll be able to move around in. People new to the scene won't have a fetish wardrobe, and some people choose not to dress the part. While I prefer the special zip that clothing adds to a scene, I also know D/s is in the mind, not in the wardrobe. You do not need to buy tons of BDSM toys either. It's nice to have a few, and you will eventually want to have your own toy bag, but they are not needed right off the bat. I recommend you review a basic list of recommended toys for novice Dominants before purchasing anything. Start With An Old Fashioned Date Let's say you've both decided you're ready for some play. It's a bit awkward to invite someone over just for a scene, so invite them over for dinner. The process of cooking and eating together will give you something to do and make you less nervous. It will also provide space to get to know each other better in a vanilla setting. Over the meal, review some of the agreements you've made with this person so they know you are prepared. Make sure they verbally consent to playing with you before anything occurs. Our culture has unfortunately ill prepared us for communication about emotional things. Men and women speak very different languages. Because of this, misunderstandings are common and sometimes even lead to crimes like date rape. The Scene Your Submissive might be very nervous, even if they don't show it. Be sure to sit with them for a few minutes, and talk over any fears they might have. You may not want to express your fears as it can be confusing for a Submissive at this stage, but do tell them how you have prepared for the scene and how you will be taking care of their safety. The main thing to remember with your first scene is that it's not the Odyssey. Keep it short and simple, giving you time to talk it over with your partner immediately afterward. Get direct and immediate feedback. You will want to vary your technique, perhaps starting with a few different types of play. I often do a combination over-the-knee spanking, a little sensual play, and some verbal exchanges. This kind of variety will give you a broad overview of the kind of reactions you might get from your Submissive. Aftercare Aftercare is extra important in the first few scenes. It will take a while for you to get a good idea of what really moves your Submissive, so don't judge anything by what you see on the surface. Even if they weren't flying in subspace they will need some hugs, caresses, and loving words. Spend at least fifteen minutes with them in quiet aftercare time. Offer some fresh water and maybe food if they are hungry. Have some blankets handy as it's common to be cold after a scene. You may be thinking on skipping this step because your Submissive may seem fine. It's fine to adjust your aftercare to meet their needs, but you must offer them something. Sometimes people will weep after a scene. Don't be alarmed, this is a common response to a stress release situation like subspace. Just hold them and stay calm. The Next Day Follow up with your Submissive the next day to make sure they are feeling well both physically and emotionally. Ask questions about what they liked and didn't like. Find out if there were any times they felt insecure or afraid. Ask if the aftercare you provided was what they needed. Ask open ended questions which will create real dialogue. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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