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Getting up to Speed on the Technical Stuff of Dominance By Sensuous Sadie
One of the Catch-22's in the D/s world is that novices often can't get experience until they have experience. This is especially true for single men who make up the majority of scene players. This section will look at some options in developing your own skills and getting some experience. Book Learnin' Most Dominants start with educating themselves through books and the Internet. This is a very good thing, but it has its limitations. No matter how much you learn in the mind, doing it with a real person is the difference between catering a party and reading the recipe. Still, if you haven't read the recipe you won't be cooking anything, so read read read. When you buy your first toys, buy toys which are easy to learn on such as a soft deerskin flogger rather than a heavy leather flogger. Don't choose single tail whips. While high on the cool factor, it will take years to become proficient. Practice On The Pillow You don't need a person to practice hitting just the right spot with your flogger. Use a pillow, a mannequin, or whatever is handy. The most important thing is that when you do find a live partner, you're ready to practice on them without hurting them. Ask A Friend To Explore With You If you are a novice, you're not alone. Consider asking a friend who is at your own level of experience to explore together. You do not have to be "having a relationship" to practice technique with each other, and you will probably have some fun. This can be an ideal way for shy novices to explore without the pressure of an expert or a whole party, watching their progress. If You Have A Partner Already, But Don't Know What To Do Depending on the experience level of your partner, they may be able to teach you how to be Dominant. There are two schools of thought on this. Some think this kind of teaching is a bad idea because it screws up the dynamic of the power exchange. I agree with this. I don't want to be teaching my Dominant, I want him to be teaching me. I also find it disturbing to have to come out of subspace to explain to someone that they're accidentally wrapping the flogger or whatever. On the other hand, practicality and availability may make this is your best option. While I don't personally like it much, I have trained novice Dominants. The last person I trained was a complete novice, but he was imaginative, passionate, and a good learner. It was not the optimal situation, but he learned quickly enough and the awkward period was over soon. This decision depends a lot on the nature of your relationship. If you are a lifestyle D/s person and don't ever want to be in an educational role, it's not a good idea. However, for the majority of players who are more casually involved it can be a very practical way to develop skills. I also know of several Submissives who genuinely enjoy training their Dominants. It may seem on the surface to be not in alignment with the D/s paradigm, but on a deeper level those Submissives felt they were "serving" their Dominants by imparting their knowledge. The bottom line is that if it works for you, then do it. Meet With An Experienced Player Ask an experienced Dominant to meet with you and show you the ropes, so to speak. They may demonstrate side by side with you on their Submissive, or they may ask you to "submit" in order to experience how the tools feel. Flogging your own arm to test a flogger is a world away from feeling that same flogger on your own back. The best Dominants are comfortable exploring the submissive side of things, whether or not it's their orientation. If you are afraid to allow someone to "dominate" you in an educational setting, you may need to rethink whether you are ready to be dominating anyone else. Attend Play Parties With The Intention To Learn Play parties are the perfect place to observe a wide variety of techniques. Introduce yourself to some of the Dominants and ask them (not during a scene) if they would be willing to help you learn some technique. Most Dominants are happy to help out. The challenge is of course that sometimes play parties are often not open to single men. This is unfortunate, but understandable, although less of an issue where strict protocols are followed and female Submissives feel safer. You may have to get better known in the community and make some friends so that you can bring a partner along. Workshops If you are in a geographical area where workshops and demonstrations are offered, avail yourself. After reading, the next best thing is seeing something demonstrated by an expert. Depending on the circumstances you might also get an opportunity to try things out under their tutelage. If there aren't any workshops nearby, consider driving to a larger metropolitan area for some of them. Formal Training At a Dungeon Bigger cities with a formal and developed BDSM community may offer formal training to novices. Contact the local BDSM groups regarding more information on this. Pay For It Make an appointment to meet and be trained by a professional Dominant. If you live in a more rural area, you will probably have to travel to a larger city. While this is an expensive alternative, you receive focussed and very professional training. Remember that professional dominants do not offer sex, this is strictly for BDSM play. Technical expertise is not the foundation of the D/s experience. However, it's very important to know how to use toys and tools in a safe way. Utilizing the tool is only the manual part of the experience; bringing your Submissive to subspace can be done with no toys at all, just your mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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