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Exploring Relationship Options in BDSM By Sensuous Sadie
My friend Andrew has been a Dominant all his life, but only inside his own mind. Having finally come to a place where he has the freedom to explore his BDSM orientation, he's chomping at the bit to Start Playing. Unfortunately, the more he gets out into the community, the more he realizes that he doesn't know how to make a D/s relationship happen. There are so many confusing questions. Does he want a play partner or a girlfriend? Does he want a monogamous relationship or could he handle playing with multiple people? Are the rules of dating the same as in the vanilla world? Many novices come into the scene a little bit confused by all the relationship options suddenly available to them. Part of this has to do with the extreme novelty of the many types of sexuality out in the open; part because, unlike traditional society, alternative types of relationships are both common and celebrated. It's a good idea to consider the full range of D/s relationships, from the traditional committed one-on-one to an open relationship, to a threesome, to one that is "strictly play." I also encourage people to explore both their Dominant and Submissive sides (yes, they are both in your nature) as well as considering men, women, couples, and transgendered persons. If you are open to different options, you will find there are many more opportunities for exploration. This doesn't mean you should do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable just to score a play partner, but rather that by being open to different types of relationships, you will broaden your experience as well as your perspective. When most people look at relationships, they break them down into general parameters like single or married; monogamous or cheating; and if they're adventurous, straight or gay. In general, the vanilla community isn't particularly aware of the many more flavors of relationships that we BDSM folk take for granted. This section will look at some of those options so you will be better able to articulate what you want. D/s relationships are NOT just like vanilla with little kink on the side. The dynamic of the power exchange is, at its foundation, a completely different animal. One big difference between D/s relationships and vanilla ones is that when we meet people in the community we know they are into some aspect of BDSM. Maybe not the details, but surely more than you would know about anyone you met at the Laundromat. In fact, it's often more than many people know about lovers they've had for years. Because sex is a taboo subject, not to mention one which embarrasses many people, it isn't unusual to not discover a partner's sexual needs until well into the relationship, if ever. If your sexuality is an important part of your identity, then waiting until you're emotionally involved is far too late to be finding out these important things. In contrast, D/s relationships tend to be much more overt in terms about talking about our sexual desires; heck, we even have checklist questionnaires for pre and post play sessions. The good part about this is that it's much easier to negotiate a relationship when you know this person's specific interests are in alignment with your own. For example, I don't date men who I know are looking for a slave, as opposed to a Submissive. That's not my style, and it's better to know it right up front. I once dated another man who identified himself as an "Enema Dominant." I was willing to do this occasionally, but it was not something I wanted to do every day, or even every week, making us not a good match. Even though my enema-Dominant friend might have been willing to dish the sexual details so early on, I am not. I may be non-traditional in terms of my sexual orientation, but I am a creature of our shared cultural upbringing. If I tell a Dominant about my sexual needs on our first few dates, they will often assume I'm willing to get involved with them. This is a natural assumption because in our culture, generally speaking, talking about sex generally happens just prior to having it. Because of this problem, I usually hold off on discussing my sexual interests until I know a man better. This in itself has turned off many Dominants who expect me to ante up my personal life on the first date, or even the first e-mail! So when people ask me how to negotiate new relationships in the BDSM scene, I reply that it's a pretty complex question. Some of the easier questions to answer are these: Are you looking strictly to explore D/s play, or for a more emotional connection? Are you looking for casual/no commitment play as you might find at play parties or a one night stand? Are you looking to be involved with only one person, or perhaps multiple partners? Are you looking for a strictly monogamous relationship? Are you willing to consider an open, or modified open relationship? While monogamy is considered the norm in vanilla society, a fairly high percentage D/s couples engage in play outside their primary relationships. This is not to say you should be doing this too, but rather that you will want to know where you stand on this before getting involved with someone. Part of the reason this is so common is because many of us are switches and/or bisexual, and want to explore all the possible roads. While we may well be in love with and want to stay with one person, we also want to be free to express our other orientations. The challenge here is jealousy, which is just as common in D/s as it is in the vanilla sector. For an open relationship to work, you need to be aware and communicative about your feelings about ownership and jealousy. My feeling is that generally open relationships don't work if either partner has issues with this, although it may be possible to work around it through extended negotiation. Just as there are levels of commitment in a monogamous relationship, there are levels of openness in an open relationship. The stereotype of the open relationship is that of swingers, who are free to sleep with anyone anytime. While there are people who do this successfully, most of the open relationships I have observed have very strict parameters. Some people in open relationships are committed on the emotional end, and consider which bond is considered their primary emotional connection. They have an agreement that while they may occasionally have sexual interaction or D/s play with other people, their commitment is to their relationship. They usually develop an agreement about when and how other people can be accommodated. For example, some couples only include other people when they are both involved at the same time, in threesomes. Others allow play outside the partnership as long as both partners agree on the person in advance. Still others have agreements about the type of contact which is acceptable. For example, some couples have what my friend Liz calls a "no pokey policy" which means they may engage in D/s play with other people, but no genital interaction. It's common for people to feel that intercourse is a sacred act which should be shared only with one's life partner. Others may choose no "intercourse" or no fluid exchange as the measurement. Regardless of what path you choose in exploring the BDSM scene, the most important part is thinking through what you are looking for before you jump into a relationship of any kind. D/s interaction is based on a deep trust of your partner and the resulting intimacy can be just as transforming and magical as a traditional vanilla relationship, whether or not sex is involved. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
* Thanks to Liz for this charming phrase
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