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Getting Involved In The BDSM Community By Sensuous Sadie with input from Elizabeth (R&T
Core Group Co-Diva's)
Being new to the BDSM scene can be a daunting prospect for many people. They wonder how to get started exploring this new world, not to mention finding a partner. The thing I recommend the most often is to get involved in the D/s community. Meeting people as part of a group creates a safety net for everyone, as well as saves money and time over dating one person at a time. Although joining a community can be a frightening prospect to those who are shy or introverted, it is the most practical and pain-free way to make friends as well as learn the ropes. Remember to go with the goal of meeting people and building a circle of friends; you don't want to give people the impression that you are "on the make." Another excellent way to meet people is to be involved in the board or steering committee of the BDSM group in your community. Offer to host, help out, be a "goodwill ambassador," or in some way do some of the work of making the group happen. It's a great way to meet others, which is often how you will meet a new partner. If you stay on the sidelines (or in the wallpaper) you won't get anywhere. You will want to educate yourself so that you have something extra to offer, besides your looks and charm. It's a good idea to make yourself stand out in some way, whether it be from a special interest, like Japanese rope bondage, or in your appearance; some players are very noticeable by their style of dress. People do tend to judge by first impressions, so think about what impression you want to give by the way you dress. The bottom line is that if you like yourself and feel comfortable it will show. People will be naturally attracted to you. When you are at BDSM events, be friendly and show interest in the people you meet. No need to ask personal questions about their sexual orientation, which could be considered inappropriate depending on the context. Just make friendly conversation. Be willing to express your own thoughts on how you became interested in the lifestyle, and what it means to you. If you meet someone you'd like to see again, ask them if they are available before you make your move. Once you've been integrated into your local BDSM community, you will find yourself invited to other local events, some big parties, and some more intimate. Some are strictly social, and others are more play oriented. A Special Note For Guys: You may not realize it, but most of the people in the scene are men. This means that if you are heterosexual and Dominant, there is a huge competition for the few women Submissives. If you are Submissive, there are even fewer female Dominants to choose from. This can seem to be quite an obstacle for new guys in the scene. Despite this, it is also true that if you have something special to offer, we ladies will notice you. For example, if you are Submissive, tell the Dominant you are interested in what you have to offer them as a Submissive. Don't tell them what you "want," but rather what you bring to the relationship. Think of it like a job interview where you both bring something to the table. A Special Note For Gals: Since women in the scene, Dominant or Submissive, are fewer than men, be aware that there are many men who will be interested in you. Don't feel pressured, just realize that you're quite valuable to the community. You are NOT expected or required to accommodate rude or pushy behavior. Anyone who gives you the impression that simply because you're a Submissive, you should roll over on your back for them, is an irresponsible Dominant. A Submissive's gift of submission is just that, a gift, and it's your choice to give it or not. This is equally true for male Submissives. It takes time to get to know people in the community. People can be cautious, and you should be, too. As exciting as it is to finally be "out" with your D/s-BDSM interest, take time to find the kind of people you want to interact with on a more intimate level. There is a broad range of types of play and attitudes within the lifestyle. Communication is key and most people have to feel a level of trust before they move ahead to more personal interaction. Give people a chance to get to know you, and give yourself a chance to get to know others. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not About
the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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