By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

This series is the story of my relationship with Vladimir, who lives just over the Canadian border, not far north of my home in Burlington, Vermont. In addition to being my Dominant, Vladimir is a writer and editor himself and had full editorial control of this essay.

July 2006

This Series
My Promise to Vladimir 
That Old Monogamy Commitment Fandangle 
Caging my Submissive Spirit 
The Perils of Transparency 
A Very Short Love Affair
They say you should never sleep with your friends
An Ode to Master Xavier (and tell him not to get a swelled head over it either)
When Do Broken Hearts Heal? Not Soon Enough, If You Ask Me

Photos of Vladimir

When I was growing up we didn't have a television because, as my parents put it: "TV rots the mind." Fortunately, whenever I visited my grandpa, I got to watch for hours. (judge for yourself the level of my mind rot) My favorite game show was an obscure one where they had a gigantic pile of wrapped gifts – every child's fantasy – and the contestants got to pick their favorite as their prize. We all knew that old adage that good things came in small packages, but didn't you always want the most whoppingly huge package? I did. Usually the winner choose between two giant presents, as big as a room with big red bows the size of a chair. Which to choose? You might get a donkey for heavens sake! But most often it was something like a magnificent above-ground pool or a fabulous patio set. Both pretty cool things I always thought, although really I thought the donkey would have been pretty cool too. After all a beautiful girl in a sombrero was holding the leash.

The thing about presents is that there's a mystery behind them and you can imagine them to be anything you want, which is why Christmas morning is so magical. For that moment while you are surveying your gifts, you can imagine that all your wishes will come true. Being in love with your best friend is something like this. You see the gift-wrapped package with the giant red bow, and you think "hey what amazing gift is in there that I could have, if he would just love me back?"

As you know, I got my gift in Vladimir and wow, what a present. And no, he didn't turn out to be the donkey thank you very much. But it does turn out that he's the magnificent above-ground pool, which is a nice gift, a wonderful gift… but ooops, I live in a condo and where would I put that? I really wish I had gotten the fabulous patio set because that would really have been a better fit. You see, there's this idea in our culture that it's really a great thing to be friends first before you become romantic partners with someone. The assumptions built in to this theory are that because you're good friends, you know that you're getting the patio set and you're down with that because you have space in your back yard. But actually, funny things happen when you become "partners" and "Dominant and Submissive." Sometimes things that were great as a friend maybe aren't quite what you'd want in a partner because then you bring all the expectations that come along with what being lifetime partners means, and isn't that just a whole other ball of wax!

For example, Vladimir is a deeply spiritual being, as am I. Writ large, you could describe his spiritual approach as Buddhist, which I like and respect as it's a good balance for me. On the other hand, it's not a good match when you think about my pleasure in fetish clothing. Detachment and fetish clothing aren't exactly in alignment on the spiritual plane. Vladimir says it this way: "We parade ourselves in our fetish-wear, wearing our choice of the ‘lifestyle’ literally on our sleeve; we’ve indulged in our own brand of consumerism." Now you can argue that point specifically if you want (and I surely have) but the fact remains, in many ways we live very differently, and what didn't matter as friends, seems to matter very much to him now as partners. Now remember, that was just an example and Vladimir didn't reject me because I like fetish clothing. If you read my columns about our relationship you'll see that there's a bigger picture there, but it is true in a sense, that his inability to appreciate and accept our difference in this one small area is a reflection of our relationship in the broad sense. In the end, I was not able to convince him that these differences were a good thing, a beautiful balance to each other. In the end, Vladimir told me that he felt that his career and his home life wasn't settled enough for him to commit to a relationship with me right now. Ah that sounds so banal doesn't it?

Vladimir may have provided that bureaucratic reason for leaving me, but along the way he told me the many many real reasons why he didn't want me; you could call it "death by a thousand cuts." Whether it was my focus on education in BDSM versus his more inward and mediative mindset, what gifts I donated to the Rose & Thorn anniversary event for prizes, or any number of the other things I've mentioned in this column series, he was constantly uncomfortable with the way I moved through the world. I felt that after being best friends with me for six months he must have known these things already, after all it's not as if any of who I am is a secret. And yes, it is a painful irony that he talked so much about acceptance, but has not in fact accepted me for who I am. This from my second column of this series on commitment: "He feels that in accepting that our relationships will not provide us with everything we need, it teaches us something about ourselves, and that it is in letting go of these desires that we become more loving, more open, and so better human beings." I guess that this was more of his high dream for himself rather than a reality in terms of an actual relationship.

When he initiated becoming partners I made him think about it for three days before agreeing because I was afraid of just this: that it might not work out, and that we'd lose everything. I made him promise that he was completely sure that he wanted me for his partner and his Submissive, completely sure. I believed in that promise and I committed my body and my heart to him, and opened myself up completely; only to find a month later that he his " home life wasn't settled enough for him to commit to a relationship with me right now." Oh yes, I am hurt and angry, as much as any vulnerable Submissive can be. To be rejected after just a month is utterly confusing and emotionally devastating. Not only have I lost my lover, but I have lost my best friend. I miss him so much that my heart and soul burns.

All this said, I believe that God wanted me to learn something really important here. You see, when you're in love with your best friend but he's not in love with you, there was always that big wrapped package sitting out there, forever mysterious. I imagined it as far more than the magnificent above-ground pool or a fabulous patio set. In my mind's eye I saw a month's vacation in Hawaii or a diamond necklace; you know - something really over the top, something you couldn't go down to the lawn and garden section of Wal-Mart and buy with your tax refund check. In a way, the only way for this fantasy to stop being a fantasy was for God to give me what I wanted, and for me to find out that this particular game show never gives away goodies like Hawaii or diamonds. In other words, I think that God may have given me this relationship so that I wouldn't be mooning over what might have been for the rest of my life. After all, Vladimir's constant discomfort with the way I live made me pretty unhappy as well – nothing like constantly having to defend why you do everything to ruin a good mood. Nothing like reality to make your game show dreams disappear into a poof of red bows and fairy dust.

Vladimir did give me one wonderful present however, and this one wasn't wrapped in any red bows. It's a set of steel chained wrist cuffs that he made himself in his blacksmith shop. Maybe the thing to do next time, either with Vladimir or with another Dominant, is to unwrap the gift before I choose which one I want for my fabulous prize.

 

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REFERENCES

[1] Kozicki, Vladimir. "D/S AS LIFE: or how to come out and live a 24/7 without scaring grand-ma. Diving into spirituality head first." Spiritual Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Edited. Sensuous Sadie. Burlington, Vermont: Ephemera Bound, 2006.




Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2006 Sadie Sez Publications