Prospecting for Pleasures along the Canadian Border
Caging my Submissive Spirit

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

This series is the story of my relationship with Vladimir, who lives just over the Canadian border, not far north of my home in Burlington, Vermont. In addition to being my Dominant, Vladimir is a writer and editor himself and had full editorial control of this essay.

June 2006

This Series
My Promise to Vladimir 
That Old Monogamy Commitment Fandangle 
Caging my Submissive Spirit 
The Perils of Transparency 
A Very Short Love Affair
They say you should never sleep with your friends
An Ode to Master Xavier (and tell him not to get a swelled head over it either)
When Do Broken Hearts Heal? Not Soon Enough, If You Ask Me

Photos of Vladimir

Many decades ago zoos were made up of cages instead of the live habitats that they are now, and the animals were confined to those cages, whether their natural environment was a rainforest or an open desert. The animal's unhappiness was evident because they often didn't mate successfully and exhibited problem behaviors. I remember as a child visiting the zoo and feeling sorry for a wildcat I saw who paced constantly in her cage, frustrated with her inability to express her natural spirit which wanted to leap, climb, claw and attack.

In a way, I feel that way now too because after a month of being with Vladimir, we have only made love or explored BDSM a few times in the first week or so. My submissive spirit has been unleashed throughout our relationship, but there is no where for me to express it. So I pace my cage and grow increasingly frustrated. You see, Vladimir is quite unusual as a Dominant, and does not leap quickly into sexual or BDSM intimacy. He says that he needs to be "inspired" to make love, not unlike many writers need to be inspired by the Muse before they can write. Also, he can only make love to his partner if he is in love with her. Sadly, while he loves me as a friend, and does feel "sprouts" of romantic love for me, he believes he's not quite there yet.

Well all that sounds very cool and rational, but the reality is that for me, this has been emotionally devastating. I have never had a partner who didn't want to or wasn't ready to make love to me, much less in the first month we were together. Heck, usually we're making like bunnies in springtime. In truth, I simply have no reference point for which to deal with this problem. To not to be able to make love to my partner or express my submissive spirit leaves me feeling lost and incredibly rejected. I also feel cheated because I didn't know that this was the deal when Vladimir asked me to be his partner, and I admit I might have not agreed had I known that we would not be sexually intimate or have any kind of D/s interaction (sexual or not). The worst part of it of course is that since we are so affectionate, I'm often left aroused for days with no sexual outlet (not in the fun way) and my submissive spirit feels crushed from being invoked with no way to express itself. Oh sure I have a vibrator and all, but that's not the outlet I need.

My first response is that this is such a whopper that I should leave him. After all, if someone won't, or can't or whatever, isn't making love with you – what else is there to say? I have also always felt that sex is a good barometer of a relationship, and if you're not having it, then something is seriously wrong. I have to admit in my heart of hearts, the part about him having to be "in love" to have sex with me feels a little inauthentic – after all, we did make love a number of times. And I wonder about him needing to be "inspired" to be dominant. Of all the Dominants who I have known and everything I have read about it, it's not something that needs to be made to happen by an outside force. Dominance is intrinsic and constant. Vladimir and I spoke nearly every day about our fantasies for the bedroom as well as our plans to integrate BDSM and spirituality into our everyday life. Having found that he has not able to actually translate any of these plans into reality, I am beginning to believe that BDSM is largely an intellectual experience for him. The painful part is that having expressed to him my deepest needs and them being left only to intellectual discourse has left me feeling betrayed and painfully vulnerable.

Being stuck on how to respond to the situation I asked my friend Cynthia about it because she is now happily married to her Dominant, but heaven knows that she suffered many years not knowing if things would work out with him. She has unbelievable stick-to-itiveness. She said to me that "The beginnings of sprouts are tender and fragile. They need weeks, months to grow. They need light, air, and sun – which are warmth, nurturing, and acceptance."  I see what she means, because my desire to explore our BDSM life is putting pressure on him that is making him uncomfortable too. She encouraged me to offer him unconditional love instead. But I have to admit, I'm not even sure I know what unconditional love is, much less whether I have the capacity to offer it. To tell you the truth, I think my love is conditional. It's conditional on my partner wanting to make love to me – yes. Maybe not every day or every week, but yes, now and then. It's conditional on them treating me with love, respect, and joy for my way of being. It's conditional on their being kind and gentle with me, particularly when I'm hurt.

Unfortunately the last time I offered unconditional love and faith to a man, I turned out to be one of the biggest fools on the planet. That was when I waited for Griffin when he disappeared and never did reappear; and I say that from the vantage point of three years later. It's not the kind of thing that gives a girl great faith in waiting for a man.

My mother always said that she had unconditional love for me, and for all her children. I of course countered this with all kinds of questions: "What if I turned out to be a hatchet murderer? What if I blew up the washing machine? What if I took drugs?" She always replied in her quiet voice: "I'd still love you. You may do bad things, but you're still a good person." So the question for me is, can I really offer unconditional love to Vladimir, my Dominant – who is really only my Dominant in theory? If we are not making love, then aren't we just best friends like we were before except unusually affectionate ones? I do know that I don't want a relationship that doesn't have a sexual and BDSM component, so maybe the big question for me is: how long can I wait for him to figure out how to actualize his dominant nature? How long can I be this close to him and somehow turn off my desire to make love to the man I love?

The reality is that I think I can give our relationship another month or two to see if Vladimir can find his way to me. I know it might not be enough time for him, but as much as I'd like to be able to offer more, I'm not sure that I am emotionally able to do so. I also asked him not to initiate sex, discuss intimate BDSM topics, or pull out the toy box anymore unless he intends to follow through. As for my part, I won't be initiating anything with him either. The idea as I see it is to not wake up my wildcat in her cage. She's a lot happier if she's asleep. Sure, I may not enjoy the awareness of arousal and submission, but then I also won't feel that awful feeling of being rejected so often by my partner. It's awfully detached sounding I know, but it's the only way to bushwhack through the forest. I suppose that if anything, I hope that whatever decision Vladimir comes to, it will be soon, so that I can get out of this cage and back to my natural habitat.
 



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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2006 Sadie Sez Publications