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Surfing the Whole Body Orgasm
By Sensuous Sadie This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.
The first time I saw Jeff was in the back yard of our West Philadelphia apartment building. He was wearing white linen drawstring pants and nothing else, totally focused on his practice of "gung fu." His body was not a bodybuilder’s body, but lean and hard with a strange childlike flexibility. Watching him in his métier this way, I wanted to touch him, and so we became lovers. His lovemaking was a bit eccentric as well. He had trained himself not to ejaculate because his discipline taught him that semen has the life force of blood, and so he wanted to hold as much of the energy and not disperse it. At 18, this was all pretty weird to me, but his belief in controlling his sexual energy stayed with me. Now twenty years later I understand what Jeff was doing. Many women are said to be able to ejaculate some sort of fluid on orgasm. (I’ve even heard told stories of ejaculating across the room), but most of us simply produce some extra lubrication when coming. I may not be able to control this ejaculation as Jeff did, rather my focus has been on controlling the orgasm itself. I am probably an interesting test subject because I have always been able to orgasm easily and relatively quickly. Thanks to my practical nature, I generally take what some might consider a traditionally masculine or yang approach in getting to the orgasm as quickly as possible. This impatient approach doesn’t work for Griffin however, who enjoys the process part of things a great deal more than I, and who also knows that I’m a far better submissive before I’ve come than after (like many male submissives). So it was that Griffin designed a set of exercises for me which will prepare me to experience not only the whole body orgasm, but a deeper level of spiritual awareness. Several times each day I do a deep breathing exercise where I visualize a red ball at my pussy (also known as my root Chakra) and allow it to energetically expand up and out toward my heart Chakra*. As I become aroused I am allowed to masturbate but not to orgasm. While not an easy thing to do over time, there have been several interesting changes in the way I have experienced pleasure, which have in part made up for the pain. On the way to the Big O, I often feel these little "tings" which are a bit like a electrical current and I taste a little metallic something in my mouth, or maybe it's my imagination. You could call them "minigasms." When I finally stop after five or six rounds, my pussy feels very large and achy. I hold it open to the air and try to cool myself down, usually with little success. Because I have not seen Griffin in several weeks, the ache of needing his touch combined with the ache of being withheld release often brings me to tears. While it is painful to stop, I recognize that the more I go through the arousal and stopping practice, the more I am giving up my own need for pleasure. Sometimes I delight myself by forcing myself to go through it one more time. Griffin also taught me to go through a "cool down" period at the end where I visualize the red ball shrinking and draining out, but so far I have been unable to unarouse myself this way. What I have done is rest quietly and try not to think about my need to be touched too much. I run through a verbal mantra where I remind myself why I am doing this, that it is not about my getting pleasure, but about allowing Griffin to control me. It is also been painful emotionally because I have always been able to control my own pleasure, and to have given this up is both profoundly satisfying as well as scary. I have dreamed about it most of my adult life, to have a man who would control my sexuality and not be moved either by my frustration or pain, not to mention my begging and whining. I have always enjoyed submitting, but I might also admit that there wasn’t always a lot of real submission involved since I liked doing just about everything my Dominants asked of me. It reminds me of Screamer’s article titled: "Is it Really Submission if I like everything he does?" Most of my partners were happy to do stuff that we both enjoyed, and in those few times when we ventured into areas that weren’t exactly my favorites, I found that I was able to create ways to avoid or rush through the things I didn’t like so much. This experience of submitting my sexual pleasure to Griffin made me realize that I must not falter or hold back from him in any way. For example, there are parts of the oral service I provide for him that I don’t like as much, and even recently gave them a less than my total dedication. I now look forward to my next opportunity to serve him so that I can give him the gift not just of my tongue, but of my total surrender to his needs, regardless of my own tastes. I have also felt a similar change in my approach to punishment. Last weekend Griffin spent a fair bit of time cropping my sensitive inner thighs and pussy. I hate the crop and often tried to close my legs, or whine my way out of it. Now I see that I need to surrender completely and not fight it even when it is something I dislike so. Now I yearn to spread my legs again for him and take the pain as the true gift it is to him. And yes, I am learning not to whine or beg for my own pleasure either. I admit that I have often tried to manipulate Griffin into touching me more the way I want him to, either by arranging my body in a certain way or even sometimes asking him to give me more pleasure. Now I regret this childish behavior and maybe even feel a little bit embarrassed about it. When I started the exercises, I had no idea that this simple process would take me to such deep places. It has tapped into a very deep need of mine to submit totally. Griffin is able to touch me on the deepest level, and it is freeing the wellspring of my most secret and heartfelt needs. Griffin has reminded me of what Jeff taught me so many years ago, that controlling my sexual response has the life force of blood.
~~~ *Griffin developed this particular exercise and asked me to not to be too specific. He cautions that energy work should always be done with an experienced guide. Reference: Is it Really Submission? (if I like
everything he does?) By Screamer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright February 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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