Is it Spiritual or is it Subspace? …Six Months of Spelunking with Griffin
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.

Simple human intimacy is also an encounter with the divine.
~ David Guy, The Red Thread of Passion

Last December I published my “Letter to Santa,” which read in part, “Santa, I dream of a Dominant of my own. He is intelligent and creative, with a curious mind. Tender and emotional, fearless like me, and ready to go to where BDSM and spirituality swim together in dark waters. In my mind’s eye I see not the package, but his, or maybe her heart, beating steadily in time with mine.”

I wrote this because while I’ve had perhaps more Dominants than my share, I still hadn’t found one who was the right match for me. You could say that this letter was my way of putting it out to the universe. Coincidentally, or perhaps not, that weekend a mutual friend in the scene introduced us and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Griffin is a wonderful partner; emotionally stable, creative, and nurturing. After three years of singleness, including one of celibacy, I am for the first time in my life, totally sexually sated. One of the best things that happened is that I’ve gone from experiencing subspace for a few seconds, to experiencing it for a few minutes or longer. What a blessing this is as I admit I am sometimes jealous of those Submissives who tell me they were flying for hours. I love that he is spontaneous and will toss me over his lap for a bottom warming at the oddest moments.

One of the lovely things about Griffin is that the foundation of his life is a spiritual one, which makes for not only excellent conversations but excellent scenes. Now and then he asks me if this or that scene was “spiritual.” It’s been quite a challenge responding to that question because spirituality itself is so very difficult to define, and even if I were to say “yes,” it probably wouldn’t be the same as whatever it is that he’s experiencing. All of my spiritual moments have occurred when alone, so I am predisposed to not define anything with another person this way. Another contributing factor is that Griffin ’s approach has been one of a magnificent buffet table; each scene is a new and delicious meal, colorful and exciting. The challenge of this has been that without continuity, we have not gone into any one thing deep enough to see if it resonates on a deeper level. This part of things will be easier to explore now that we’ve gotten the basics down. Just as it takes time to adjust to another person emotionally, it takes time to adjust to their Dominant or Submissive style.

When I first started out on this expedition I focused on the idea of pain as a conduit to spiritual transformation because this tradition is an important part of so many religions, not to mention a popular part of the BDSM lifestyle. To my disappointment, I most often feel not transported, but cranky and distracted. However, there have been times that his judicious use of pain acted as a focusing agent. One day he had me blindfolded and had placed clothespins on my tongue. The pain was intimate, closing out the world and bringing me wholly into my body. I felt a strong awareness of the space immediately around my body and if I wasn’t “flying,” I was intensely connected both with him and myself. While using pain broadly speaking may not be the fabulous transcendent thing I’d hoped, we did discover how it can affect me in unique ways.

The subspace I most often visit is a much quieter one, a blissful silence that is a welcome escape from my busy life. Griffin often takes me there with his healing hands, which pulse with an electric energy. He sometimes gives me a head massage to the scent of lavender oil, which transports me to a light dreamy place. I sometimes pester him for more, or do what he calls “positioning” in order to feel his hands again upon me. I also find myself in this dreamy otherworld when receiving a sustained, but gentle flogging. There is something about the stimulating rhythm that lulls a person. Yet I am unable to distinguish these as spiritual experiences, subspace, or something else.

Another path to subspace happens when we are closely connected physically and emotionally, sometimes during a soulful kiss or as I am coming to orgasm. Once in the kitchen while he tortured my clitoris with ice. About these times Griffin has said that I was never more beautiful. Again, I cannot say if there was a God presence, or just a divine connection between two people. Or perhaps, they are the same?

The third kind of subspace I’ve been feeling is when he allows me to serve him though daily tasks that often have little to do with sceneing or sexuality. When he arrives I usually attend to him through small things: a shoulder rub, serving him dinner, listening carefully. All this allows me release from the chattering crowd, a gentle quiet place of uncomplicated attention. Although perhaps not profoundly deep, these quiet times sustain me more than he could know. To the extent that serving is part of many religious traditions, serving Griffin also brings me grace.

Part of the challenge is that Spiritual space and subspace are so similar in the way they present. You could argue that the connection I felt is the same connectedness I feel with God during my private spiritual moments. My friend Susan suggests that I try “not to get bogged down in the label of what is and is not spiritual and enjoy it for what it is.” She adds that, “If you’re enjoying what Griffin does with you, that’s a gift and, therefore, spiritual experience. Not all spiritual experiences have to be uber intense. They can be light and refreshing, too.” I like that; it’s not unlike an Italian ice on a hot summer day.

I often wish that I was more in tune with the healing techniques that Griffin uses, but the truth is that many of them just aren’t ringing my bell. I worry that he is disappointed that I am unable to remember the location of my chakras, not to mention their colors and meanings. Will he be discouraged that the pain he so enjoys inflicting on me leaves me tired rather than transported? Does he throw his hands up when I see in his animal spirit cards not archetypes of energetic meaning, but indifferent graphic design? Or perhaps I’m focusing too much on the way of things and not giving him credit for knowing those are only tools, and nothing in the way of real connection. He did said to me once that “Form makes no difference to me. The form is the ceremony which is there to guide us. If you get caught up in the ceremony you miss the whole point.”

There I was, thinking that my spiritual/BDSM experiences would be glorious, with perhaps a crack of thunder and an opening of the heavens. It turns out that my uber experiences, such as they are, are not unlike my real-life spiritual experiences. No Godly moments of lightening, but rather a quiet settling graciously into my mind and soul.

Perhaps my mistake has been in looking for glorious transcendent moments, and along that way missed what is right in front of me, what author Deborah Addington calls the “Body Between.” She writes, “When we exchange energies, we create a third entity: the Body Between. It’s that Body that lets us get as close to god as possible while wearing skin.” I love this idea because it makes sense of the conflict of exploring spirituality through our bodies, which are by definition limited to the physical plain. If the Body Between is the way that Spirituality has manifested in my life with Griffin , then whether all those things were Spirituality or subspace is just semantics space. Perhaps the fact that his heart does indeed beat steadily in time with mine is what makes this coincidence more than just a coincidence, and really the best present Santa ever gave me.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It’s Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn ,Vermont ’s first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright June 2003 Sadie Sez Publications