This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.

Most people think of me as a pretty independent gal, but last weekend I had a meltdown; crying, and feeling wildly insecure about just about everything. It took a reality check from Lady Marmalade, my alter Dominant ego, to get me back on the reality track.

The meltdown didn’t fall out of the sky of course. I’d been doing orgasm control exercises for about three weeks by then which had several goals: to keep me in a constant state of arousal, to teach me to stay in the moment, and to completely surrender my sexuality to Griffin . Long term he will train me to orgasm on command as well as without being touched. Unlike the past when I often had periods of disinterest in sex, now I am aroused nearly all the time, and able to orgasm in minutes.

Part of this training includes using a variant of the standard slave position to initiate contact. I strip naked, kneel with my legs spread, thrust my pelvis forward, and pull my breasts up by the nipples. I have never really done anything sexual in a position of this sort, so the experience is unique on the physical level. I also find the position very vulnerable physically, as my most intimate parts are on display and cannot be covered up. To go through all this, and to face possible rejection puts me in a particularly vulnerable headspace. 

If Griffin accepts my request for attention, he has me stay completely still which has the effect of forcing me to accept as much or as little pleasure as he wishes. What a contrast to all my previous lovers, where I was free to position myself as to optimize my own pleasure. What a contrast to all my previous positions, which were pretty much whatever pleased me. Now I am on my knees whether I like it or not, whether it is uncomfortable or not. Now if I wish pleasure, this is the only way I will be allowed it. Now I must simply wait and hope that I have pleased him enough. Whether he allows me release or not, I thank him for the control, the withdrawal – which I need more than the orgasm. The moment when he pulls his hand away is painful both physically and emotionally, but also the most needed. That he can and does say no to me is important to me, and makes me feel owned more than an orgasm itself.

It is during these times that I feel my submission most keenly. I feel tethered to him not by my lust, but by my spirit, mind, and body. I now eagerly perform activities that have never been my favorite, even folding laundry! I now understand the deep yearning to please that I so often observe in other Submissives. Part of it is selfish in that I so want him to pay attention to me, but it is so much more than that. Griffin has used my inability to gain sexual release as a lever to enslave me, and instead of resisting it, I revel in it.

Considering how deeply I have committed to his ownership of my sexuality, why then had things gone so awry last weekend? My friend Elizabeth explains this dynamic, saying, “what makes orgasm control such an intensely vulnerable thing is the fact that it's not about the power exchange so much as it’s about power over, in the hands of the Dominant. There are few activities which make a submissive feel more powerless than orgasm control, which requires very profound levels of submission which are not easy for anyone, much less someone with your personality traits.” The practices we’d been following reduced me to my most primal self, where I felt helpless, still, and fully without artifice. I was tethered by a few feet of eye contact to Griffin , like I might float off into the ether but for his loving hold.


The result of this unusual state of mind is that I became far more sensitive and vulnerable to normal every day situations. Things which I would normally not even bother worrying about took on an ominous presence. In order to protect me in this situation we made some adjustments to our approach. One of these adjustments is that he would plan for adequate decompression time during aftercare, not just the usual cuddling, but a focus on regrounding me emotionally. I also asked that he not punish me during the scene because of the one-two punch (so to speak) is just too much to take. We also took a hiatus from the daily arousal cycle until we get a clear sense about a pace that is more healthy for me.

People talk all the time about how the Dominant is responsible for the Submissive, but until now I thought that was all rhetoric. The responsibility is not to make the Submissive’s world perfect and without pain (emotional). Rather, it is a dual responsibility of both partners to communicate their feelings as things come up. Griffin is an unusual Dominant in that he never becomes defensive when I am unable to do things exactly as we planned and ask for changes. What counts is how we process through the issues that come up, something that is not his responsibility, but our responsibility.  



*Lady Marmalade, original lyrics by Patti Labelle

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright October 2003 Sadie Sez Publications