On Hiatus from BDSM

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Back to the list of columns on Sadie's Relationships, including this one with Griffin

This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.

 
The other day I watched a kink-themed movie called Preaching to the Perverted featuring club-goers cavorting around in leather, black eyeliner, and shit-kicking boots. Mid-way through the movie I realized that I was sick and tired of BDSM.

Readers probably assume I'm busy whipping myself into a frenzy, literally and figuratively, each and every day, but in fact I'm mostly preoccupied with work, home, and at the moment my health (Vermont winters are a bear). That being said, I probably spend more time on BDSM than your average bear, Vermont or otherwise. There's the columns, the newsletter, the website, the interviews. Then there's the events, the discussion groups, and oh yes, actually engaging in BDSM. Even with all this, I know plenty of people who attend scene events every weekend which puts my once a month attendance to shame.
 
Wherever you put me, the bottom line is that I've had it. On the real life side, I have some pretty big fish-a-frying. I'm taking a class in technology and culture, looking into buying a house, and coping with having been sick rather more than my share this year. On the kinky side, I'm worn-out from the junior-high school drama that seems to be endemic to the scene. In the last few months I have had to address a rumor that I had outed someone on my website (a total fabrication), deal with party planners who wanted Griffin to attend behind my back (as if that was even necessary), and put up with one "Dominant" who makes a point of ignoring me at events, but isn't mature enough to just tell me what I did to piss him off. I know it's not the whole community – just a few bad apples – but it's still wearing.

Having similar concerns, Griffin decided that he too needed a hiatus which worked out nicely. The question then is, are we taking a hiatus from the BDSM community, or from BDSM altogether? And of course, are we taking a hiatus from each other?
 
We decided to take our break from the community, not from BDSM itself, and I suppose you could say we're also taking a mini-break from each other, but that's for logistical reasons. Griffin approached me with some trepidation last week to tell me that he had a number of commitments this upcoming month and wouldn't be able to see me. He was clearly expecting me to "have a cow" like women so often do over things like this. I wasn't upset though, since I had a month left on what has turned out to be a very difficult graduate-level class, not to mention I'm something of a hermit myself. I'm quite accepting of the fact that people need space to regroup. It reminds me of my own tendency to work too hard and make myself sick. When I force myself to limit my work time and relax, I end up happier and paradoxically more productive! Time apart works the same way; it gives us space to get grounded.
 
My friends Susan and her partner Jason took a hiatus from the BDSM community last summer, saying that "Besides needing a break from the unending parade of events, our priorities had shifted because of a death in the family. Having downtime was relaxing and made things more fun when we started going back to gatherings." A fellow writer Stacey added that, "Sometimes there's so much pressure to push bdsm further with more chains and paddles, when all we really want at the moment is someone grabbing our hair in that wonderful undercurrent while we watch a movie." I'm hoping by spring I have the peace of mind that Susan found, and the re-igniting of simplicity in my life that Stacey writes about.

You might ask then, what I will do with this month to myself? I'm not real worried about filling my time since my class alone requires 15 hours a week. But being without a Dominant, even temporarily, can be a confusing experience, one that requires a different approach than just filling up my time.
 
Another good friend of mine, Rob, is quite the hottie, but he's a "Ronin," the Japanese term for an unemployed Samurai with no master to serve, which also reflects Rob's unfulfilled desire to serve. He told me about one night when he escorted two women to dinner, "Little did they know that when they somewhat jokingly asked me to escort them for the evening, it was as if they had returned a fish to water, tossed a dog a big juicy bone. I was in heaven chauffeuring them about, taking their coats, getting them drinks, giving them the best chairs at the restaurant." Rob points out that although these women were vanilla, their natural dominant tendencies allowed him to fulfill his submissive needs, "The whole thing was wonderfully and non-genitally sexual. It was a chance for me to feel the way I like to feel, to love the way I like to love. I submitted without them even knowing it. I served. I sacrificed. I gave up myself for their pleasure, and in doing so found mine."
 
Rob is taking a spiritual approach to submission, one that goes way behind a limited view of submitting in the bedroom, or even submitting in ways that are fundamentally sexual. He adds that, "if you stop asking and start giving of yourself in a loving, attentive, and servile way, you too will find what you need. Not, perhaps, in the immediately sexual way in which we tend to want to be dominated, but rather in a larger, more spiritual sense."
 
I've been exploring this sort of spiritual submission because even though I have a Dominant, there are times where I struggle with integrating my spiritual self into our play. It reminds me of this little "poetic license" card that I received as a gift. On the back it says, "This Poetic License is a physical manifestation of my inherent right as an individual to manipulate the situations and systems in which and through I exist, to the degree that I see fit." When I first read this, I thought it meant that it's ok to go around manipulating people to get what we want. I then realized that it was really saying that each of us chooses to live our life and speak our truth, and that we have a right to create a world that nourishes us.

 
In taking a hiatus, I am also manipulating the situations and systems in which and through I exist. I am creating a space for myself to come back to BDSM with a fresh mind and open heart. I will live my submission as Rob does, in the magical daily moment of giving to others. When I see Griffin again next month, I will see him with fresh eyes and shoulders unburdened by the stress of having been overwhelmed with it all. Instead of leather, black eyeliner, and shit-kicking boots, you'll find me in flannel and cozies for the next few months, curled up with a really good mystery until Spring's rains have washed me clean.
 
 
 
 
REFERENCES
 
QUOTE FROM Chris M.
 
Some Masterless slaves or unpartnered submissives have taken to calling themselves Ronin, the Japanese term for an unemployed Samurai with no master to serve, to describe their unfulfilled desire to serve.
~ Chris M. of Black Rose, from Sacrifice, Suffering and Submission: the Bottom
http://subbondage.net/chris_m/  
 
My review on the movie: Preaching To the Perverted
A novice employee of the British House of Commons is sent undercover to BDSM clubs in order to document illegal goings-on. It's a combination of Moulon Rouge and the Rocky Horror Picture Show, with highly stylized and theatrical BDSM happening on the club stage as well as in private. They did a good job of making it clear that all play was Safe, Sane and Consensual, but there were a few spots where you could tell the actors had not been properly coached in flogging technique. For example, a female Dominant hit her Submissive's head with some kind of whip.
 
Overall I thought they did a good job with this entertaining film, although it didn't have much to do with real life BDSM people. I didn't like the fact that it was entirely Female Dominant/Male Submissive. I think that approach makes it easier for people to laugh at the story (because inside they don't believe that's really happening), but does not show a balanced lifestyle at all. From everything I've read, the Male Dominant/Female Submissive is by far the majority of lifestylers. But then of course they couldn't make the film about that because then it would be "abuse." A British film.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright January 2004 Sadie Sez Publications