Love, BDSM Style
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com 

This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.

I recently gave Griffin several framed photos of myself as a housewarming gift, but I’ll admit it takes a lot of lipstick and hairspray to make me look that way. My “glamorous” image notwithstanding, there is one very unusual and real gift that I've been blessed with. I don't know what you call it exactly, but all my life both men and women have been attracted to me. True love may have only come around a few times, but lovers have always been in long supply. I suppose it sounds a bit arrogant, but it's not that, just an appreciation of a gift which also had a dark side in that you never really know why someone is hanging around. I keep thinking Griffin will wake up and see me, plain old Sadie next to him and wonder where Glamorous Sadie went. It's not that I think Griffin is so shallow as to only love me for the thrill of dating an author (What Robert Dante once described to me as "celebrity fucking”) but can anyone live up to their own spin? Could Griffin have fallen in love with my image but discover that it’s like flying into a bug zapper? It looks blue cool from a distance but quite the shock up close.

Sometimes I think I know what he loves about me, but then maybe you can never really know because it's not about the stuff about you (the marketing), but the who of who you are (the soul). He has told me that I excel in the “rebound” attributes, which are things I do differently than his ex, such as my expressing my feelings clearly, and can express those feelings in less than 20 minutes. The word is that she apparently suffered from “on and on” disease, not to mention whining and selfish demands.

This all leads up to a surreal feeling when it comes to the whole love, BDSM style. It doesn’t help matters that Griffin and I get into pseudo philosophical debates about the nature of love. For example, he told me recently that he loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. When my friend Susan heard this, she responded that if her boyfriend said that to her, he'd be looking for another girlfriend; i.e. he was clearly waiting for something better. Her comment put quite the bug in my ear, probably because I have my own insecurities about the whole love thing. Griffin explained that because he's so fresh off a divorce, his heart is still in a healing stage and is not yet available in it's entirety. I can sure understand that - I think my heart was encased in steel for over a year after what I call the “Moby debacle.” Griffin tells me that when he is able to love completely, things will be much deeper in every way.

People tell me that love changes the BDSM dynamic, and heaven knows it’s a hot topic of debate. It's only been a month or so since Griffin and I made a commitment, so any observations on my part are preliminary. But I do observe that the process of becoming vulnerable and transparent to your partner is magnified in the presence of deep feelings. Love alone makes a person pretty vulnerable; adding BDSM to the mix makes for one potent cocktail.

It was this very vulnerability that helped me to realize that I am not ready to open up our relationship to other players. All of my relationships have been open, so I have plenty of experience in dealing with the issues around this. It’s a good way to cope with wanting things that each other cannot provide for one reason or another. Despite this, I found our negotiations complex and overwhelming. The main reason is that this is Griffin's first open relationship with a committed partner, and he doesn't have the boundaries quite clear yet. Oh sure, he knows what they are, but practicing them is far more difficult. For example, we have an agreement that he will keep me informed of his intentions, but that I don't need to hear the details. He has found this difficult because he’s used to being free to discuss anything with me. I had to develop a very clear way of responding when he forgets, even saying “Please Stop!” right in the middle of a sentence. Not very submissive I know, but I suppose even Submissives have their limits.

Another issue that's been troubling is that Griffin enjoys processing out loud. Even while he has not actually played with anyone else since we've been together (except at play parties and such) he is a creative thinker and tells me all about the different people that he's considering playing with. To him, he's just thinking out loud - and there is not necessarily any action implied. But I am so action oriented, that I become overwhelmed with the whirlwind of options.

So what does this all add up to? Well, I’m not so sure really. Love is always a mysterious thing, although in this case exhibiting far less artifice than any glamour photograph. Because we follow the BDSM way, we do not have the gaps in our communication that I have experienced in traditional vanilla relationships. With them, the secrets were sexy mysteries at first, but always turned out to be mundane intimacy or communication issues. While the questions and challenges that Griffin and I face are more complex by far, at least we know that there are no monsters left under the bed to bite our toes come morning.

~~~

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright November 2003 Sadie Sez Publications