Commitment and a Catawampus
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.

The slave escapes her chains to find a stronger set of chains.
~ Anonymous

The thing about people who are fresh off the divorce wagon is that they really are a bit crazy. My Dominant Griffin is a victim of this particular malaise, which I recognized when he said, quite early on, “I’ll never fall in love again; I’ll never marry again.” Knowing this kind of craziness tends to hang on for a while, I told him that there would be no talk of feelings or commitment until we were six months in.

So six months comes along, and Griffin decided that our relationship was ready for the next level. He bought me a lovely collar with a red Aztec theme which matches his style. This is not a formal “collaring” but perhaps a “collar of consideration.” I gave him a leather armband, so you could say that we are in a state of mutual consideration. Since I cannot wear this dramatic collar to work, I wear the “at ease” version in its stead, which is three simple leather strands with a silver closure.

Despite my new collar, Griffin still does enjoy the subspace vacation now and then himself, and recently ordered me to top him for the evening. In complying, I ordered him to serve me orally, then realized that I wasn’t sure if I should orgasm or not. On the one hand, I was Mistress du Jour, and could do as I pleased. On the other hand, I am not allowed to orgasm without his permission. Too late to ask! What followed was one of those fuzzy Domspace/Subspace places where I was acting in Top mode but in fact was experiencing Subspace. I decided to orgasm, but I knew full well that I didn’t have permission to do so. Even so I fantasized about being punished for this transgression. Now there’s a Catawampus for you!

When I asked Griffin about this he replied that he considered the rules suspended when I was in Topspace. I have mixed feelings about this because I know of my own tendency to take a foot when offered an inch. Despite allowing me freedom to orgasm (not an order) I will not come next time, because I know I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons. He also chastised me for “encouraging” him to punish me through telling him this story, which in a way I suppose I was.

He was right to chastise me. Learning not to ask for what I want has been one of the most difficult parts of my submission. It’s not that Griffin is not interested in pleasing me; in fact he solicits my fantasies and wishes quite often. But he has directed me not to ask for what I want, but to allow him to give me what I need. How difficult this is for me. I have always believed that an assertive approach is the most efficient, and turning that off goes against a lifetime of practice. Nevertheless, I am beginning to understand what Griffin is teaching me. Part of it is about trusting him to take care of my needs – not my superficial needs (really wants), such as for attention, but my soulful need to surrender to him completely. Oh how easy that sounds, but so hard in practice. To not press my clitoris closer to his hand. To not position myself so that I receive more pleasure. To not tell him of my need to be punished.

Rather this: To stop wishing and hoping, even secretly, that he will caress just once more in the way he knows I like it. To lay perfectly still and accept his touch, whether it be a sweet tease or a burn of pain. To accept his decisions without resisting. To open my inner self such that no barriers exist. To be transparent to him, having no secrets.

I now feel naked without Griffins collar. It is the embodiment of his loving control, the control that does not limit me as one might think, but frees my nature. It gives me the faith that one day I will fully understand the freedom of surrender just as I understand the commitment of his collar.



* “A ‘catawampus’ can be a fierce, imaginary animal, the sort of vicious critter that jumps you in the woods shortly before you’re never seen again. But ‘catawampus’ can also mean ‘askew’ or ‘out of whack,’ as in ‘Larry’s elopement with Eloise knocked Cindy’s wedding plans all catawampus.’ Courtesy of The Word Detective, January 15, 2002 http://www.word-detective.com/011502.html

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It’s Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont ’s first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright July 2003 Sadie Sez Publications