The Fuzzy Area between Domspace and Subspace

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

One evening, a late and dark night in December, I was fucking the holy heck out of Moby when the strangest thing happened. Even as I took him like the piece of meat that he was, I felt my Domspace stealing over into Subspace. Even as I took him, there was a corner of my mind that was not taking, but being taken. It was a hazy moment born of my switchable nature.

Fortunately, Moby didn’t know this was happening to me, so I suppose what he didn’t know didn’t hurt him. But I wonder sometimes if this mental shift affected the dynamic of our relationship in ways that I might never know.

A similar thing happened with Griffin during our first scene together. Unlike Moby, Griffin is a Switch, and for this evening he was in Dominant mode. During the scene, he admitted that he had slipped into a Submissive headspace. This admission yanked me out of subspace, and worse, brought out my dominant side which probably didn’t help things any. The experience wasn’t any great shakes for Griffin either.

The next day when I talked to him about it, I explained the importance of deciding on a role and sticking with it, not to mention not telling your Submissive if you have a moment of that sort (or at least not admitting it during the scene). Because Griffin is also a novice, he is learning to control his focus in a scene, both by staying in a dominant frame of mind and also not getting distracted by the mechanics. Now that he’s aware of this problem, I think he’ll be able to manage it because he has experience in focusing his spiritual energy and because he is aware of several activities that put him in subspace by the simple act of doing them.

I haven’t heard that many people talking about this particular issue; maybe because it might seem like the Dominant had failed somehow. But having observed this phenomenon both in myself as well as others, I think it’s probably not all that uncommon. Other partners didn’t always admit it as Griffin did, but I could see in their eyes the unmistakable expression of submission denied. I think it might have to do with switches who have a primary side to their switch personality. For example, I am 85% Submissive and 15% Dominant, which might explain my mind slipping into a Submissive headspace rather than the reverse. This is supported by the fact that the three Submissives I know who also experienced this were primarily submissive, dominating only as a sideline.

One of the things I’ve discovered is that some submissive men pretend to be dominant in order to attract a woman out of the relatively larger pool of submissive women. Sounds bizarre I know, but I think it’s just a numbers thing, resulting in rather messy results as you can imagine. My way of dealing with this is to agree on a state of parity, where we take turns. With Griffin I could see that he would love to be submissive all of the time, but then so would I. With some partners it turned out that they really were unable to dominate on equal time, but I think that Griffin will be better able to access his Dominant side because of his experience with being a spiritual teacher, which has an undertone of dominance to it.

What is particularly attractive is Griffin ’s expertise as a spiritual guide, a shaman. I want this part of him very much, so I’m willing to help him to become a skilled Dominant in trade. Griffin has the potential to be a high caliber player because he has the spiritual thing already in place. He understands that there is a difference between just flogging someone as a physical exercise, and flogging as a way of transforming your energy to your Submissive. I have felt his energy through his hands, and I suspect that a flogger or whatever tool will be just another extension of his fingers.

It would be nice if our minds always did what we told them, which would help to prevent those mushy domspace/subspace things. Still, I think there may be some advantages to this flexibility of the mind. Switches obviously have twice the opportunities for partners, but there is also a natural balance to people with switch natures, which may give them a more grounded approach. Just as I am turned on by the androgynous in both men and women, I believe that the best players have experienced what it’s like on both sides of the whip. For this broader field of experience and interest, I am willing to deal with the odd and sometimes unexpected oddities of the switch nature.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications