Was that
Submission or just a Rollicking Good Ride?
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
A while back I was relaxing after a sexy scene with a
Dominant and an odd thought came to me: "had I actually submitted or was
that just a rollicking good ride?" From the outside our little
tête-à-tête had all the trappings of a kinky go-round. He’d tied me to
the doorframe with a hood attached securely from the top and other metal
hardware hooked here and there. Over the evening he’d entertained the
most sensitive parts of my body with a delicate piece of ginger along
with other tasty vegetables. In between these edible forays I felt the
sweet sting of favored implements from his goodie closet. Fortunately I
was gagged because my sighs could surely have been heard in the next
county.
Yes, I enjoyed every minute of it. The tight lift of my head held so
that I couldn’t look down to see what might come next. The narrow hood
view of a surreal livingroom in the flickering candle flame. The soft
whistle of my breath through the breathing ball gag. Something cold and
tight on my nipples. His voice murmuring in my ear. Things that tingled,
tickled, or tortured sweetly on my openness down under.
As wonderful as that all was, I have some trouble thinking of it as
"submission" because really, I loved it all. I would do it again if he
were here right now. So then, the real question for me is – "what is
submission really?" Well, let’s pull back a little bit and I’ll describe
my relationship with Lucas a bit so you have the bigger picture. I’d
been with Lucas for about a year, on and off. I think of him as a Top,
not so much a Dominant per se, because we did our scenes for a few hours
on a weekend evening and that’s about the extent of our BDSM thang. The
rest of the time we had a pretty egalitarian relationship in the sense
that he treated me as he might any other dear friend or lover. Despite
this, Master Lucas defines himself as a Dominant, and I’ll address that
little tangent a little bit later.
Now I’ll admit that I’ve been struggling with these ideas, because it
can all seem a bit of a puzzle. But after some thought, I’ve come to
believe that many of the scenes we did not involve submission on my
part. You see, I feel that submitting has some basic components that
were not present, even though they might have appeared so on the
outside. For me, submitting has to do not just with having a spicy hot
time (which I was having) but in surrendering to someone else’s will.
Even though I was chained to the doorway – which appears to be yielding
to his will – to me, that is only the most superficial level. I feel the
need to cleave deeply to his desires and his needs, and to be pushed
beyond my comfort level in some aspect, be it emotional or physical. My
dear friend Stacey gets this quite well, when she says, "Submission
isn’t so much about surrendering your body, it’s about surrendering your
mind, although the body often goes along for the ride. Whether it's in
the bedroom or everywhere, it's still the same - which is why you can be
chained to the doorway and still not be submitting. There is an
irresistible force, a ceding of the will that I most associate with
submissive, and that’s what you were missing there."
It’s more challenging when you look at not just a single scene, but a
relationship as a whole and start wondering if you are really submitting
or not. I suppose to even be wondering at all suggests that there is
some strange dynamic afoot. Most would agree that one aspect of the
Dominant/Submissive relationship is that the D/s aspect is overt, if
nothing else. After all, isn’t that the point? Master Lucas, however,
wasn’t the kind of Master who chose to dominate me outside of the
bedroom. In my early years I described myself as a "Bedroom Submissive,"
and so you might also say that Lucas is a "Bedroom Dominant." I no
longer describe myself that way, however, as I long to serve in other
ways. In order to attend to this need in myself, I would do things that
you might define as submissive, or you could just call them "being a
good houseguest," being as I’m the type of guest who wants to be invited
back. I usually took care of things like putting our scene toys away
neatly or cleaning up after dinner.
My friend Stacey understands this in a very intuitive way, because she
is deeply submissive both in a sexual way as well as my urge to be a
geisha of sorts. She also recognizes that the Dominant’s role in taking
her to the final depths of subspace is critical. She says, "There are
two parts to my submissive self. During active submission (during play,
even during intense non play moments), i feel like XenaSub. In a
surrendered state i actually feel far stronger both physically and
mentally, and there are times i swear i could break right though the
chains. The first ninety percent of my surrender goes easily, but that
last ten percent has to be taken. When that occurs, i feel raw, as
if i'm inside out with no border left, no logical thought left." Stacey
goes on to say that, "The second part of my submissive self is the
geisha part. That is the woman who can bring the warm washcloth after
sex or have an intelligent conversation on any topic. Then i feel
softened. but fully logical. It's the illogical ceding of the will that
makes me know they’re both from the same part of me."
I love how Stacey describes the second part of her submissive self,
because it is that part that I yearn to express in my own life, and
which I was unable to with Lucas. As I mentioned, I often took care of
small things while at his home, and as he’s an appreciative guy, he did
always thank me, but I never sensed that he was thanking me as a
Submissive per se. And so I felt that there was no "receiver" for my
submissive acts. If there is no receiver, then in a way, there is no
submission either as I see it. I can’t really be submitting to nothing
can I? An arguable point perhaps.
There was once when he asked me to take care of the dishes and I ended
up not doing them because we both overslept, but he didn’t reprimand or
punish me in any way. So essentially there was very little motivation
for me to follow through. You might say that I should have been self
motivated by wanting to please him, but I have to admit that my
motivation to cuddle longer with him was a lot stronger being as I knew
the dishes weren’t any big deal to him. When I asked him about that
particular incident, he replied that he didn’t care much whether I did
them or not and that he wasn’t "into punishment." As I mentioned, Master
Lucas took an egalitarian approach with me and didn’t generally ask me
to do things for him or change my behavior in any way. He felt that I
was already doing all the things he would have liked, or would have
asked me to do anyway. (Nice to know that I’m the perfect Submissive
eh?) Master Lucas and I have discussed these issues at some length and
he said, "To me, if I were to make up chores and directives for you just
to have them would be drama, it wouldn’t be real dominance and
submission. I don’t make up play commands. Rather, I believe in living
my dominance as part of my life. So if I want something, I expect you to
fulfill that want, without being asked and also without playing the
games I see so many Submissives play in order to be ‘punished.’ I see
that quite often in other couples and I find it utterly ridiculous."
To him, he was a Dominant whether or not he asked me to do or be
anything – which may well be true – but to me as a Submissive, there is
a basic structure to the D/s relationship that was completely absent. In
fact, he agrees that his style is essentially an informal one, saying:
"I run my household in a more casual manner, so therefore my style of
dominance is also a more casual style. So it’s not going to look like
the kind of activity that you see with other couples who have a formal
structure to their relationship. It may be more relaxed looking, but it
is no less meaningful and no less powerful." I respect Lucas’
perspective, and yet although he was perfectly happy with our easygoing
day-to-day relationship, I feel that the foundation of dominance
provides an explicit construct of some sort for the Submissive. It
doesn’t have to be an uber structured Slave Girl of Gor type
thing with me naked in chains and waiting on him hand and foot of
course! But with no guidance on how to make him happy, my submissive
needs went completely unfulfilled. I wanted direction, limits. I wanted
to know how to please him in specific delineated ways, Without any of
that, I saw our relationship as best buddies who played on weekends.
This foundational difference is one of the things that eventually
stalled our relationship.
Is Master Lucas wrong and myself right? Of course not. Master Lucas has
the right to call himself anything he wants, and to dominate any way he
wants to, because ultimately – that’s the right of a Dominant. And if
there is anything that I believe, it’s that all approaches to BDSM are
valid; all of them. I do want to also say here that Master Lucas and I
also had many scenes where I did very much submit to him in other ways,
but this column isn’t about those scenes. I wrote about this particular
scene and our relationship in general because I wanted to address this
particular conundrum. That said, I also believe that I need a different
style of Dominant if I am to be happy as a Submissive. So, I’ll thank
Master Lucas for his masterful use of ginger, not to mention other high
fiber vegetables, and I’ll get on with looking for someone who is more
of like mind to my particular style of submission and a
rollicking good ride!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REFERENCES
Is it Really Submission? (if I like everything he does?)
By Screamer
NOTE – this is a very entertaining column by Screamer (aka Kanthra
Adair) on this same subject from a different perspective.
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/articles/screamerisitsubmission.htm
Just Call me a Bedroom Submissive
By Sensuous Sadie
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/sub/justcallmeabedroomsub.htm
Slave Girl of Gor, by John Norman
Part of the World of Gor series available on Amazon.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through
BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose
& Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and
complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her
at SensuousSadie@aol.com or
visit her website at
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is
abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance,
so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2009 Sadie Sez Publications
