By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Who’s ultimately in control? The Submissive is, of course!

We’ve all heard this line bandied about, but does it make sense? Anyone can see that during a scene, the Dominant is clearly the one in charge, so it can’t be about that. Submitting is predicated on giving up that control. If the Submissive were actually controlling the scene, they wouldn’t by definition be submitting. So what’s this catchphrase really mean?

There are two different kinds of control, control over the bottom line (the ultimate), and control over a particular sphere of influence. Being ultimately in control means that the Submissive can always use his safeword and stop the action; they have veto power. Veto power is an “if all else fails” measure, and not the same thing as being in control, however. Not the same thing at all.

The sphere of influence control refers to the areas that the two people have negotiated between them as the areas where the Dominant has freedom to act. Within this area he or she has a great deal of freedom, while respecting agreed-upon boundaries. This sphere covers quite a lot of area, and can be narrow as in a short scene in public or comprehensive as in the case of a Master/slave relationship, where all the slave’s activities are under the Master’s dominion. Of course the Submissive can always walk out that door, but barring that extremity, the Master makes the decisions. 

Because of the broadness of the BDSM experience, I do not recommend the use of one safeword but rather the Green-Yellow-Red* system of communicating. This system allows for ongoing and easy-to-remember communication, which in most cases is preferable. This system is better because pushing someone all the way to a single safeword can be hurtful both physically and psychologically, particularly with a novice Submissive who may not know where their safeword lies. They may suffer a great deal in the period just before and after they safeword, pain which is unnecessary and can be easily prevented.

The other challenge with one safeword is that some Submissives have a hard time using their safeword at all. They might be worried that they will disappoint their Dominant, or they might have a personal goal to take as much as they can, even if it’s not healthy for them. They may well not have a good idea where their endpoint is, or they may not be able to effectively judge because of the endorphins bopping around in their system.

I experienced this kind of repressed safewording with my Submissive Moby. A sister Dominant and I had organized a birthday scene for him, tying him up and torturing him deliciously. At one point she decided to put clothespins on his penis. I had put clothespins on his balls (on the skin) before, but not on his penis. Still, I figured he’d let us know if there was a problem. It wasn’t until later that evening that I discovered that this act was well past his boundaries, and in fact had pretty much freaked him out. I was frustrated because he hadn’t communicated this to me during the scene. This is a classic situation where Moby had the responsibility to express his feelings to me, and didn’t. It turned out that he thought I’d be pleased with his ability to take the pain, and it didn’t occur to him that I’d be upset about him not being true to his own needs, not to mention not communicating with me.

One Submissive I know told me, “I take the personal responsibility theory myself.  I am in control of and responsible for myself, my physical and emotional well being.  If I choose to allow another person to take over control of something in my life, then the outcome is still my responsibility. If it works out badly, then it’s my fault for choosing the wrong person to assume control over those things which I have given up control over.” This is an interesting approach, and definitely is something only for Submissives who are very self aware and competent. 

There is also a question about whether a person in subspace has enough mental awareness and self control to safeword if they need to. I have found that for myself, no matter how deep into subspace I am, I am always fully able to safeword if needed. For many Submissives however, the mind-altering drug of subspace is so intense as to make rational thought impossible. Some might even argue that some experiences of subspace preclude rational thought by definition. For this reason, Dominants must be doubly careful. Fortunately for many, hard limits are instinctive and present themselves even under duress.

In the reverse situation, one of my Dominants once told me that he was going to push me all the way to safeword. He wanted to know exactly where that place was, and he also wanted me to learn how to say it, that it was okay to safeword. He knew that once I’d said the word the first time, it would be easier to say it in the future. He also recognized that this process made me conscious of actually going to safeword, and gave me a “muscle memory” of the experience of doing so. In another scene at another time, I might have been hard pressed to safeword perhaps because of physical or emotional stresses. Having done it the one time was educational and healthy for both of us.

Let me also add that I have never used my safeword with the majority of Dominants whom I have played with. Most of them are able to judge my state, and in fact can hear it in the change of tone in my voice in the way I say “ow!”  Using the Green - Yellow - Red system has always provided sufficient information to prevent our ever getting to Red unintentionally. But not all Dominants are this observant, and especially if they are novices themselves they may be caught up with flogging technique or whatever.

One Dominant told me that he’d play with me until I safeworded (if I did) but if that occurred,  play would cease immediately for the evening and he’d leave.  I immediately recognized this approach for the dirty manipulation that it was, and I refused to get involved with him. What he didn’t understand was when a person is pushed to the point of safewording, they may well need emotional love and care afterward. To push someone to their most extreme space and then to withdraw is the ultimate in irresponsible Domly behavior. It was almost a threat in that if I were to safeword, or in other words say “No” to him, then he would refuse to continue. What this says to me is that he wanted total submission without limits. That may be something you would negotiate with a long-time committed partner, but absolutely not with a new Submissive.

In contrast, you will also see some Submissives who think of their safeword as a technique to stop things they don’t like, as opposed to using it strictly as an expression of having gone too far. In this scenario, the Submissive is indeed topping from the bottom, using the safeword to get their way. When you describe the safeword as a “control” word it can suggest, incorrectly, that it can be used to get one’s way. It is a delicate line for a Submissive to figure out the difference between something they just don’t like, but are experiencing anyway for other good reasons, versus an event that must stop immediately. My friend Stacey explains it this way, “While I definitely agree that the Submissive has the final control of walking out if things are not to her liking, it’s a bit more fuzzy during the actual scene.  When I’m with a Dominant, I am surrendered; I don’t think through each thing he demands of me to decide whether I’m going to do it or not. After an encounter I might look back on what occurred and decide whether I’m going to stay or go, but while still involved in it, unless my hard limits come up, I am in my partner’s complete control.” The difference is not between liking the experience or not, but rather being unable, for physical or emotional reasons to continue.

There is also something to be said for experiencing some physical and emotional discomfort in pursuit of a greater goal, perhaps of personal growth, deeper subspace, or greater heights of sensation. If you are feeling that all your experiences are unpleasant, or the relationship as a whole is unpleasant, then you would want to re-evaluate the relationship. After all, if it’s not fun, why do it? That includes fun on the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual levels as well as the physical ones. There are so many flavors of both Dominants and Submissives that it’s pretty easy to hook up with someone who is not a good match for the long term.

The Submissive having the ultimate control is a great slogan, something which helps make our activities acceptable to the vanilla community, not unlike Safe, Sane & Consensual. SSC is real, but those words are not nearly so clear cut as we’d like vanillas to believe, and in fact are hotly debated within our own community. The usefulness of both these ideas is found in helping vanilla folk understand what we do. It’s within our own community that we need to explore the finer points of just who is in control.


* Green = Great keep going! Yellow = Getting close to Safewording; slow down. Red = Stop!

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications