Safewording Once is Once Too Many
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 


I recently attended a play party in New York where I did a very stupid thing. Soon after arriving, I met this Mistress who I knew by reputation. She had some charisma going for her, not to mention $2000 worth of gorgeous hand made floggers. She was the pompous sort who dominated every conversation with her opinions turned fact about BDSM. In retrospect I can see that this should have tipped me off. Although the content of what she shared was on the money, her delivery was exceedingly long winded. The problem with this is not so much that it's annoying, which it is, but that it shows a fundamental lack of concern for the rest of the people who couldn't get a word in edgewise.

When she later asked me to do a scene with her, I resisted, mostly because I was annoyed by her attitude. But then I figured why not, and so she laid her floggers on me, using the light ones because I'd told her that the heavy leathers were over the top for me. I have a higher pain threshold when I'm turned on, but this wasn't one of those kind of scenes.

To my great shock, during the next twenty minutes of our scene, I safeworded four times. This is more than I did with my last Dominant during more than a year together. Later on one of the Submissives at the party asked me, "Why on earth did you stay in the scene then?" Well ya know, that's a darned good question. The fact is, I thought at the time that she was mistakenly hitting me to hard, so I wanted to give her the space to make mistakes. There was a bit of pride involved there for both of us, and I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her community by stopping the scene. I was wrong to do that. Now I can see that I enabled her to continue that by allowing it.

When I later discussed this with her, she explained that her approach was to "calibrate" her flogging by hitting very hard, then backing down from there. I supposed I should have argued with her but I really didn't see any point – she was pretty set in her ways. This said, I must to state this as clearly as I know how: this approach is not only irresponsible, but dangerous. A Submissive should never be safewording four times in a short scene like this, heck even once is too many times. The more enjoyable (for me anyhow) and far safer approach is to build up from light to heavy, and check in with the Submissive along the way.

Now many people believe that Submissives are not able to think clearly enough during a scene to even safeword in the first place. I disagree with this because fundamentally, no one can speak for all Submissives. I found that at least for me, there is an inner protective warrior who is ready to protect me when needed. Subspace or not, if I am at risk I can choose to get out of the situation. This of course is providing that I haven't gotten myself into a situation where I cannot choose to leave, such as allowing myself to be bound.

I was not ever in danger of real physical damage with this Mistress, but the experience did teach me a very good lesson, and that is to always, always, listen to that warrior voice inside. I won't ever play with that Mistress again, but I do know that the next time I receive such a tainted offer, I'll put my aside my pride and say thanks, but no thanks. Remember, the most lasting damage is not physical, but emotional and spiritual. In other words, ultimately I had the responsibility not only to safeword, which I did, but to walk away, which I didn't. And as they say, that's my bad. So this is the story about the responsibility of the Submissive, not just to protect themselves but to stop a Dominant if they have gone too far. It would be nice if Dominants never made mistakes and were always competent, but it's just plain not possible. You are your own protection, even sadly when it's against your own partner. Charisma or not; Fancy floggers or not; That Mistress needs to be taught how to handle a Submissive, and it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to teach her.



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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications