By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

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You'd think that at 43 and being a BDSM writer, there aren't many things I haven't done in the sexual arena – but it turns out that there actually are a few left. Last weekend, I swallowed a mouthful of cum for the very first time. Master Xavier, whose cum it belonged to would like you to suppose that it measured a quart, or even a half gallon, but I won't vouch for quite that. Even so, I will say it was tasty, with a mild tang, quite nice actually.

The first time you say? Hard to believe I know! You gotta wonder how I managed to get around this all my life, so I'm going to tell you the little story here, along with a few other new things that Master Xavier has brought into my life and how it's changed my view of a few things on the D/s continuum. You see, for the last twenty years or so, HIV and other nasty diseases have been a bit rampant so no one insisted, or even asked that I do it. And since I didn't really like to do it, I didn't. I have a sensitive gag reflex and whenever I did the deep throat thing which always seemed to be part and parcel of the act, I started gagging. Talk about a scene stealer. Before that, well I don't remember a whole heck of a lot of my college years or what anyone was asking or insisting that I do. For the most part I was dating guys who were submissive in nature – being as that's the kind of men I attract – and they didn't insist on much of anything. So… I never did swallow. Also, I was waiting for a Dominant who I could give this to as The Great Gift, something that would mean something powerful and would represent my commitment to them. As you may have observed from my writings, such a Dominant has not come along.

Now, there's another thing that I've been waiting for La Grand Dominant for, and that's to get my nipples pierced. I wanted to wait and do this as a gift for my right Dominant whenever he came along, which as I said, well no use repeating that. This year I decided I wanted to do my annual Christmas card with a nipple ring theme and I thought hey, why not just get my nipples pierced for myself? So my dear friend and partner (although not really my Master of the Universe partner) Master Xavier took me to get my nipples pierced so that they'd be all nice and healed in time for the photo shoot. And so we did and they're healing nicely thank you very much.

This is all very nice that I've tried some new things, but it actually does reflect something more than doing some fun new activities. They represent a fairly big shift in my head, and maybe not all that positive a one depending on how you look at it. I'd like to say that I have lots of hope that Mr. Right is still on his way to me, but as they say "the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior," and I’m sorry to say that my ability to choose good partners has been dismal. I am working on this so all is not lost, but I recognize that considering the kind of person that I am, a true lifetime love might not be in the cards for me. Knowing this, I'm trying to get on with the things I want to do by myself or with someone I like, and who deserves to have those gifts bestowed upon them. Master Xavier is a caring and loving Dominant, and frankly he does deserve these gifts even if he isn't the Great and Powerful Oz, I mean Dominant, that I'd hoped for all my life.

All this might seem a little odd because people usually assume that I'm swamped in Dominants, after all I've got a lot to offer. As a well-known writer I certainly have the capacity to attract partners; it's not like no one knows who I am. I'm reasonably attractive, in excellent health, financially stable, and in my personal opinion well-rounded mentally and emotionally. Ahhh, the truth will out however. On the vanilla side of things, I am highly introverted, preferring to live a life uncluttered by people and events in general. I neither have nor want children. The drive that makes a person successful as a writer also has a flipside and that is that my Type A style and intense focus is not your typical "submissive" way of moving through life which can be challenging for many Dominants. As Master Xavier has commented more than once, I am more than outspoken about my expectations, not to mention when they are not filled. I see this characteristic as a good thing because I never fall into that all-to-common female thing of emotional game-playing. Still, it's a bit eye-opening for your typical off-the-shelf Dominant. And let's face it, just imagine dominating someone who's going to be writing about you; it requires self esteem that is solid to the core.

It's not all about me however. The dearth of Dominants in my life also has a lot to do with the circumstances of my life. For example, I choose to live and work in Vermont, not exactly the hub of BDSM in America. Would it make a difference if I were to live in New Jersey, for example? Perhaps, but then there'd be a lot more single Submissives there as well so who knows what difference that might make. While of course we have a lively community here, the kind of Dominants who are at my level are few and far between. I'm not the sort of Submissive who is comfortable with training her Dominant so I've not had success with being with partners who are far newer to the scene than I am. ("no no, spank more to the right dammit!")

And then of course, there's the spiritual side of things. Although I don't want or need my partner to be of my spiritual orientation which you might broadly describe as Taoist Unitarian Universalist, I do hope that they feel a connection to their higher power. Equally importantly – as readers of my articles on BDSM and spirituality will know – I want to explore those realms deeply, and no casual player would know how to even pack for that trip. Heck, I'm only beginning that journey myself.

I also wonder how much of my failure to procure a long term BDSM relationship is affected by some aspects of our community in general. One of the biggest challenges is that I am an old fashioned girl in a community that focuses a lot of attention on sex and casual relationships. The fact that I do not do casual or public play makes me a bit of an oddity, because I know this for sure: if I were willing to do uncommitted play I could have a new partner every week. This function of our community is reflected in an educational DVD I watched recently titled Vice & Consent: The Art of Wrapping Intimacy in Very Scary Paper. Now let me say that the film itself was absolutely excellent, and I included a short review of it at the end of this article. But there was one enormous gap, and that was that even with over twenty icons of the BDSM scene interviewed, only one person mentioned the relationship aspect of dominance and submission. This in nearly two hours of discussion about every aspect of the scene. This tells us something very important – and sad – about ourselves: that the sexual aspect of BDSM has far overtaken the importance of the relationship connection that is, at least to me, its most important foundation. I believe that one of the results of this is that while certainly there are some long-term relationships in evidence, I observe far more start and stop, short term, and casual relationships. I see few marriages or committed collarings that last more than a few years. I can't say I know why this is so, only that perhaps it has to do something with the fringe nature, and the overwhelming sexual nature of what we do.

There's another aspect to this however that isn't about BDSM at all however. In America we tend to see the individual as the ultimate arbiter, the person responsible for everything that happens to them. Under this paradigm, it is completely my responsibility that I have not been able to find a healthy long-term relationship. I disagree with this. I believe that our community, location, and culture affect our individual ability to create lasting relationships. Let me explain this in a different way. Our cultural history has its foundation in the Puritan ethic which taught that work is the basis of happiness, and promoted ideas like "cleanliness is next to Godliness." Today, many of us are overworked and have become Type A personalities (like I am) and we blame ourselves our inability to make enough time for everything we need to. However, we also have to recognize that our culture gives us positive strokes for working hard and producing, and it doesn't encourage us to rest and do quiet things that don't necessarily produce an end result like meditating, napping, or sunbathing. In fact, if it wasn't for the labor unions, we wouldn't even have weekends off.

Am I blaming the culture and everyone else for my situation? No, not really; just recognizing that I am part of something larger than just my little personality quirks. And while this article is mostly about me and my weaknesses, in some ways it's also about everyone in the scene. Because we all have some personality things which make both easier and harder for us to find a partner. Finding love isn't easy for anyone and if you doubt that, just check out the divorce statistics, even for the rich and beautiful.

I will also say that I am an optimist and I believe that it is possible for the right Dominant to find me, and I hope that he someday does. I do have a friend who is genuinely pessimistic about his hope of finding a Submissive and I find his approach to be too depressing to even consider. So while I may have gone ahead and done some things that I had been waiting for a committed partner for – and which may indicate a loss in faith – I do hold the cup as half full nevertheless. In the bigger picture I see these acts as acts of hope for myself, that I can go on and be happy as a Submissive in taking care of my own needs, moving on and trying new things, and loving the one I'm with for what he offers me – which is truly a great gift in itself. I don't want to be waiting anymore for love and the great long-term relationship to arrive because not only may it not happen, but waiting has kept me from enjoying so many varieties of nipples rings in the meantime. Now, Master Xavier – let's go shopping for nipple rings!

 

(it's a swallow, get it?)

POSTSCRIPT: if you're wondering how I finally got to swallow without gagging – here's how. Master Xavier pulled out half way so that his penis was not way back and half choking me. So when he came it was an easy swallow and so pleasant for the both of us. All that worry and trials for years when clearly so much of it was just a technique issue!



Review of the DVD Vice & Consent; The Art of Wrapping Intimacy in Very Scary Paper
http://www.viceandconsent.com/
I admit I was expecting another one of those videos introducing BDSM and boring me half to the grave. And so I was pleasantly surprised by this DVD which not only offered something to novices, but kept me watching all the way through to the end, a very generous one and a half hours. The production values were excellent, and it was clear that this film was made by professionals who put a great deal of time, effort and love into their work.

It was quite a thrill to see so many famous authors and personalities interviewed, and even more so that they were very real and very normal people. The producers deliberately chose not 25 year-old BDSM personalities dressed up in leather and flash. Instead we got to see people with credibility, many of who also happen to be in their 40's and 50's just like me. I was also impressed with the spectacular art used as segues throughout the film. Also included were a number of interesting extras including a section on edge play and a montage of the paintings included. I could see buying some of those artworks. Altogether a very fine job indeed.

Pictures of Sadie's Piercing. Click the Thumbnails
Thank you to Master Xavier for the Photos

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2006 Sadie Sez Publications