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An Old Fashioned Girl in a New Fashioned Lifestyle
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
The other day my photographer called me a prude. Funny really, because
you'd figure what with me being as kinky as I am, I'd never have to
worry about being called a prude of all things. He's right though, my
photographs are pretty − dare I say it − vanilla, compared to
the hard-core stuff he's done for other people.
My goal has never been to look vanilla per se, rather to portray myself
in a way which would never be confused with pornography. It's not that I
think porn is so bad, but I knew that I would not be taken seriously as
a writer if I looked like some kind of sex star. Even more importantly,
I wanted my image to reflect my mind, body, and spirituality. I chose to
do this by not turning my body into a caricature of a kinky babe. Some
of the decisions I made early on had more to do with protecting my
privacy than art, such as not doing full face photos. I also declined to
do nude photographs, not because I don't like my body which is what many
assume, but because I consider some things private. I realize this
sounds a little funny coming from someone who writes about her own
sexuality, but read on and I think you'll understand.
In a community where talk about one's sexuality and public play don't
raise an eyebrow, old fashioned views like mine seem downright bizarre.
Take for example, the personals on CollarMe.com or Alt.com where you'll
see lengthy lists of personal preferences from caning to pussy whipping.
Now I'm thinking this is useful for two situations: one being the quick
pickup where you need to know you're compatible, and the other is if you
have some kind of unique interest that is critical to your personality.
For example I recently met a Dominant who said that the only thing he
does is tie women up tightly and tease them. That's it, nothing else.
Absolutely nothing else. If something that narrow is the entirely of
your world, then it's important for prospective partners to know it.
Personally I might love bondage, but tight bondage and teasing every
time we played for the rest of our relationship? I don't think so.
But does any Dominant need to know that I like or don't like pussy
whipping before we've even met? Most definitely not. In fact, does the
entire world who reads those alternative websites need to know that I
like or don't like pussy whipping? Absolutely not. If there's a pussy
crop in my toy closet, it's my business and no one else's but my partner
who is going in there to get it.
Fortunately most of the potential Dominants I meet do care about who I
am as a person and try to get to know me. After all, it's pretty clear
from my ad that I'm looking for a deeper, more spiritual kind of
relationship, another thing which makes me a bit of an oddity in the
scene. The challenge is that despite this, many Dominants assume I'll
tell them my sexual history on the very first phone call. Their
reasoning is that since I put an ad in a sexually oriented place like
CollarMe.com, I must be willing to talk dirty right off the bat. In
other words, they cannot separate the context of the ad from me as a
person who happens to be submissive. It's sad really, because when they
spend the whole conversation inquiring about my sexuality, they never
get a chance to know that I'm a good cook, a loyal friend, and a movie
buff. In the long run, those things are at least as important, if not
more important than whether or not I want him to tie me up tightly and
tease me. In the broader sense, it feels to me like many people in the
scene, both Dominant and Submissive have no boundaries about what they
are willing to share and not share with a stranger. I don't quite get
this, but maybe it's just a reaction to a sex-fearing culture where
women regularly write to Ann Landers about how horrified they are to
find a sex magazine in their husband's bed table.
These conversations between me and potential Dominants can become
terribly awkward as you can imagine, and I've made an effort to explain
why I not only don't want to know about their intimate encounters, but
why I'm not going to tell them about mine. They're usually quite shocked
to hear me sounding so conventional, and it's understandable. Most of
the Submissives I know spill the beans as soon as a guy asks, which
reminds me of the old saying: Why buy the cow if you can get the milk
for free? Granted we Submissive women aren't cows, but our cultural
mores about only "bad girls" being open about their sexuality
is something that isn't going to be erased just because BDSM has become
so less radical over the last decade.
So here I am in a sort of unique spot. I've written over 150,000 words
about my own BDSM experience and a reader can get a pretty darn good
idea about me from reading it. What they won't find is actual details
about what I do with my Dominant in the privacy of our homes. I don't
write about this because it is the one private thing – among those
150,000 words – that is just for him and me. After all, if I were to
share my private stuff with anyone, don't you suppose my Dominant would
assume that I'd do the same to him? If he were smart he would, and that
too would put me square under the label as a "bad" girl, the
kind who kisses and tells, and the kind you don't take home to mother.
I'd rather be a real girl, a woman who is a whole sexual being, and who
also recognizes that getting into sex talk or play too early in the
relationship sends the wrong message to serious partners. I'm not saying
all men see it this way, just that I prefer to err on the side of
tradition.
Once we've gotten through these little discussions, the next thing we
run up against is the casual play issue. I've done a fair bit of playing
around and about, and that was satisfying. These days however, I want
the depth and complexity that a relationship offers to kinky play,
something which simply is not possible with someone I've just met. In
addition, I stand squarely on the side of seeing play, any kind of play,
as intimacy. I know many people in the scene who will do a spanking or a
bondage thing or whatever, but they won't have sex with the person. I
just plain don't see the difference. If someone is touching you in an
intimate way, whether their hand be on your clitoris or on your ass –
it's all intimacy. Separating things by whether a sex organ did or did
not touch someone else's sex organ is disingenuous and disrespects our
bodies as whole sexual beings. If I'm going to get involved with
someone, they'll get all of me, not just this part or that part I might
deem "non-sexual." Because really, it never is.
As you can imagine, this all leaves me feeling pretty discombobulated. I
tell women to act like a lady and they'll treat you like a lady, but
sometimes you have to not only act like a lady, but assert yourself like
a lady when some guy is getting too intimate too fast. Interrupting a
guy who is dead set on telling you about the many women he's tied up
isn't easy, and so far has always foreshadowed that we won't be dating
any time soon. In the end game, I guess I am just plain an old fashioned
girl. Despite being a whore in the bedroom, I am a lady in the parlor
and I expect my men to be gentlemen. It's a rare and maybe even freaky
expectation in these days, but one that shows respect not only for me,
but for them. And
there is no doubt in my mind that when the right gentleman comes along,
he will appreciate this
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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications
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