My Submissive Nature

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

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People often tell me stories about when they first realized they were Submissive or Dominant. In my own case there wasn’t a particular instant when I recognized my own orientation, but rather it grew from unassuming moments, the kind that I’d dredge up fifteen years later for opening gambits to my stories. But I do remember when I fell off the fence and crossed over permanently from vanilla to D/s.

For many years I was mildly bored with vanilla sex. While my lovers were invariably imaginative, I was irritated and impatient with the loving “slow hand” of foreplay. My tastes have always run to the rough and tumble, but it’s more than that, much more. They wanted to please me, but secretly I wanted to be forced to please them. They wanted me to have multiple orgasms; I wanted my sexuality to be controlled, limited. They wanted to caress; I wanted to be spanked until I wept.

One day I met and seduced Chris, mostly because he looked how I imagined a Dominant would look. Tall and muscular, he sported black muscle shirts and a James Dean air. He had been in jail for some obscure offense, a bad boy who appealed to the suburban Jersey girl in me. One day, a few months into the affair, I observed him hanging some plants off the porch roof. I suggested in a playful way that rather than hanging plants, he tie me to those plant hooks and have his way with me. His response was that he could never tie me up, much less do more; it simply wasn’t in his nature. No matter how much I tried to convince him the act would be consensual, he refused.

That night, I had a long talk with myself. I liked this man, maybe even loved him, but I knew I could not make a commitment to a person who could never satisfy me sexually.

I wanted more than I was getting, and it was time to start dating only men who were in alignment with my needs. I made a commitment to myself and sealed it with a silver ring, which I wore on my ring finger. It was a silver lion’s head with garnet eyes sparkling with mischief. Like all decisions, it opened up new paths of exploration. I could not have imagined how this commitment, this ring would affect my life, from starting a BDSM community to writing a book on my experiences.

Of course in the beginning, I didn’t have a clear idea about what exactly I wanted or how to get it. Most of the men I dated were what some people call “vanilla Dominants,” regular Joes with a commanding streak. Usually this translated into a little silk scarf bondage and a slap on the fanny. Never enough, not for me. Like most novices, I sampled flavors with a tiny pink spoon and picked a few favorites.

I also began to spend more time thinking about my nature and how it fits into the scheme of things. For some players, sex is not part of the D/s equation, or maybe a minor part. For me, sex is the foundation of the submissive experience. In short, submitting turns me on. My submissive nature is a sexual orientation, much as being lesbian or gay. I also observed that the Dominants I knew either had it or they didn’t. I came to the conclusion that this orientation is hard wired in, and because of this awareness I would never again try to convert a vanilla partner to the lifestyle.

These choices have limited me in some ways and also freed me. As I have turned myself over to my nature, I have become more directed as a person. More confident, more expressive, more myself. It’s the same as when I turn myself over to the spirit within me. Because I know I am in safe hands, I am able to make choices free of fear. At first, I thought that making a commitment to a particular path would rule out other options, limiting me. In fact, committing to something allowed me to go much farther and deeper on my own path, my right path. It’s not that there are less choices available, rather that I have focused myself on where I am going. On both the spiritual and sexual levels, I see the path before me and am following it faithfully. Subspace is not a destination, but a process of exploring my spiritual way.

There have been a few times when I visited a magical place, more magical than subspace. There was no stumbling or hesitation, but rather like the “zipless fuck” where one’s clothes fall off effortlessly. I’m not sure what exactly made these moments happen, whether it was the Dominant’s style or something opening up in me, or maybe a confluence of both. All the elements were in place:  his experience level, his confidence, and his knowing exactly what needed to be done. My readiness.

Some people might call me a lifestyler, but I don’t really see myself that way. While I’m more involved in the lifestyle than most, the practice of BDSM is not the larger part of who I am. For a long time I saw my orientation as a hobby, something I did on the side. It’s more now, if only because I spend so much time thinking and writing about it, but it’s not the balance of my life, only the balance of my writing at the moment. My writing is more about self-exploration than it is about BDSM, even when I’m writing about BDSM.

Through this process of sorting things out and writing about them, I found out how to articulate what I believe about my own submissive nature. I believe that submitting is a solitary act, something to be shared only with my Dominant. Playing in public turns my gift into theatre.

Submitting is a sacred quest, not something to be shared with just anyone who asks. I will give myself only to someone who shares my path. Serving is a spiritual expression which lifts me above the mundane. I will put aside my own needs to serve his. When I can be vulnerable, it is the deepest expression of my submission, and of myself. When I can trust my partner completely: physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then my soul can take flight.

There may not be a moment when everything comes into focus. There have been a hundred moments which inch-wormed me one bit closer to understanding my nature, my self. I get it now, and only have to wait patiently for Him to find me.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications