Just Call me a Bedroom Submissive

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

A Dominant once told me in a lofty tone of voice that I was “just a bedroom Submissive.” At the time I was a bit offended, because I could tell he didn’t have much respect for those “bedroom Submissives,” whatever they were. In his world, I was not a true Submissive, and definitely not a true Slave. In his world, I wasn’t much at all.

After getting over my pique at being called a name, I realized, well hell, he was right! My career, my writing, my financial life, my workouts, my relationships with my friends, even my relationship with God; all those things are mine and mine alone. What’s left then? Yes the bedroom, that’s what’s left. My sexuality belongs to my Dominant, and that’s what makes me a bedroom Submissive. That is no small thing however, and it is not the dregs of the rest of my life either. Rather, it is the cornerstone of my intimate identity, a huge gift for the right Dominant.

Why was it that Carson was looking down me for being a bedroom Submissive? Did he think that these things I wouldn’t give up made me less committed somehow? Did he think I was not serious enough about BDSM? Or maybe, by doing it only in the figurative bedroom we were tip toeing a little too close to plain old vanilla sex. I love to quote my friend Gary Switch who said, “Yes, I admit it: we use BDSM as foreplay! You can kick us out of the lifestyle club, now. We’ll go quietly.” He’s joking, and he’s not. There is a hierarchy of “realness” in BDSM and silly as it may seem, there are people who would kick him out of the lifestyle club. He’s in the dungeon of least respect there, along with the dabblers and weekend warriors.

Being a “Bedroom Submissive” isn’t quite at the dank level that Gary resides in, but not far from it. On the other end of the spectrum are those who fancy themselves True Dominants and True Submissives, who live it 24/7 and dedicate their entire lives to BDSM. A little of this also has to do with a minority of BDSM purists who believe in keeping with puritanical and Christian beliefs, BDSM should be practiced without the sexual element. In contrast, I believe that sex magic is an undeniable and spiritual force on it’s own, even more potent when in combination with scene play. What’s important about that approach is not whether they are right or wrong, but in the limited way that they are approaching sexual energy.

What then is the truth of where I lay on the continuum? If you insist on labels, I draw myself somewhere in the middling ground. Because I am a writer and leader I get a certain level of validity that I might not have if I were simply practicing BDSM my own way in a less high profile way. I am far more than a weekend dabbler (although I respect them fully) but far less than Carson who has tens of thousands of dollars in BDSM equipment littering his home. It isn’t just how much money and time he spends on this equipment, it’s the fact that all his personal time is spent practicing BDSM technique and interacting with BDSM people. While this seems a bit over the top from my, eh hem, lofty perspective, I nevertheless accord him the same respect as I give the weekend dabblers.

This reflects the very real aspect of each of us measuring others using our own yardstick. To Carson, I am less of a Submissive because I wasn’t submitting as much as he wanted me to, not unlike that saying that a slut is defined as someone who is getting more than you are. Carson was right about me being a bedroom Submissive, but not right that there’s anything wrong with that. His need to put me down tells me more about his narrow frame of reference than it does about me. By my own Dominant’s definition, I am a Submissive just fine. By my own definition, which is the most important one, I am exactly the right kind of Submissive. There is no “real” submission to measure up to. There is only who I am, which is just right for me.

Name calling aside, what do I have to offer as a Submissive, as a real person? I have passion. I have a thoughtful and engaged mind. When I give it up I’m fully present. I know what I want and I’m willing and able to say so. I love sex, I love BDSM, and I am uninhibited. “Yes, I’ll try that.” Dominate me and you have Dominated something worthwhile.

So where does that leave me? I will accept that title of being a bedroom Submissive, maybe even wave that flag outside my bedroom window. Or maybe I’ll throw all those labels out the window and simply be myself. I’ll do that because if I allowed Carson or anyone to tell me that my style of doing this lifestyle is less meaningful somehow, then I am allowing him to commit the worst of BDSM sins, and that is to disrespect our fellow travelers in their path. With the world being as it is, we need to support each other in every way we can, not tear each other down. So I say to Carson, and all the critics of the BDSM community: “Yes, I’m a bedroom Submissive; no, I’m not; and maybe I’m something else entirely.”

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications