A Fork in the Road: Taking the Deeper Road or Sticking with the Light and Breezy
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com

In addition to being my dear friend and Dominant, Master Xavier had full editorial control of this essay.


Last Sunday over a coffee fribble at Friendlies I told Master Xavier that I wanted to "go deeper" with him. You see, we've been engaged in a friendly tête-à-tête for a few months now, and I saw that the door was opening to either stay to the shallow and superficial (not so bad) or explore the spiritual territory that we both have an interest in. The problem with this of course, is that connecting on a spiritual level also opens the door to connecting on an emotional level, and I'm not sure either one of us is ready for that. You could say that we're at a fork in the road as to whether we want to go down the road of deeper intimacy or whether we want to keep things on the light and breezy.

The readiness factor has to do with the fact that Xavier has two children who live with him half of every month – so if we were to get more involved, well that's not something I'd figured into my life plan. I'm a career girl here in Burlington, about an hour and a half from his place – but still far enough to mean that one of us would have to move eventually. In short, love would mean major compromises for both of us. It's easy to say the love conquers all, but the reality is that if you have to give up everything else that makes your life meaningful for one person, well – that's one hell of a burden for any relationship to bear. Still, my feeling is that you have to leave the door open for cupid to slip in. I say this because sometimes when he's holding me close I feel this dark river of love rushing over me and I think like I'd like to stay there forever. Xavier has a great capacity for affection and I could just imagine what it would be like to be the main recipient of that, rather than just my fair share every now and then.

So that's the emotional side of things. But there is also the side of aligning our needs as Dominant and Submissive that may need some calibrating. You see at the moment, our scenes are little two hour bubbles in the middle of the weekends. Xavier transforms into Master Xavier, ties me up, does a bunch of wonderful things to me, makes me come, provides aftercare, and that's that. Afterwards we go back to watching movies, making dinner, attending events, doing dishes, and all the usual suspects. There isn't any dominance or submission going on in between the bubbles and therein lies the rub. I want to feel something the rest of the time. It doesn't have to be every second of course; I'm no 24/7 type and will never be, but at some level I need to know that he is my Dominant. I need to see his dominance some how, some way − because it brings out the best in me. Having something like this would link those bubbles into a chain that would make the experience more engaged and dynamic, rather than something that simply occurred in disjointed episodes.

There's another aspect of our scenes which is a struggle for me internally. At some level, I get the feeling that I'm in town for the dog and pony show. I know that Master Xavier has put time and effort into thinking up a great scene for me and that we're going to do this big scene after dinner Saturday night. On the one hand, while I love the subspace of these scenes, and heaven knows the orgasms are big giant ones, these things only feed me on a superficial level. The truth is that the scenes when I've felt most moved and connected with him as a Dominant are the ones that were unscripted and toy-free. For example, once when we were laying on the couch cuddling, he held my chin still with one hand and tortured my nipples with his other hand. It was very quiet and you could barely hear my breathing. I was totally focused on the feeling of his hand holding my head so firmly and how intensely submissive, and how beautiful that felt. I didn't want it to ever end. There weren't any dogs or ponies in that scene, and thank goodness for it.

The second part of this is that Master Xavier's scenes are primarily oriented toward doing things "to me." So basically, all I have to do is show up and enjoy the series of physical, mental, and emotional stimulations that come my way. There is no requirement that I actually do anything in exchange for all this. I would like to have to earn my pleasure by serving him in both vanilla and BDSM sorts of ways. Knowing that I will always orgasm and always be given pleasure makes the scenes a kind of done deal. And really I do sometimes wonder if this is real submission. Sure, I am trusting him with my body and all, but what I mean is that since I like everything he does pretty much – what exactly am I submitting to? Doesn't submission require some kind of giving up of something of myself, a compromise of some sort?

Most of this came out over the coffee fribbles, and we're both thinking over whether or not we want to even venture down this road which could possibly lead to a deeper commitment. Of course we don't really know that will happen either so it's kind of a crap shoot, but I guess once you hit your forties and have the kids, the houses, and the careers and all, just going with the flow is no longer an option. And after all, when one person is taking care of all of your sex and relationship needs, but isn't actually your "partner," it doesn't leave much time to get out there and find a partner who really is a better match. I guess you could say that this is the grown-up version of BDSM relationships. It's hard to know that to do when you hit these places in a relationship where you need to take a risk because either way has its charms and its risks. And of course the challenges that he and I face are unique to us. But even so, every relationship runs into these moments when you have to decide to "deal or no deal" and so I've told you this story so that you can know a little bit about the kinds of things that come with the Sadie Deal. Your mileage will differ of course. Either way, even if we decide to keep at it on the easy breezy level I won't be turning down any of those bigwig orgasms; I may want to go deeper, but even scenes thrown into a weekend of friendship are a good thing, a very good thing.

 

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2006 Sadie Sez Publications