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A Foray into Mind Play and How I Survived my first Panicky Moment
By Sensuous Sadie SensuousSadie@aol.com www.sensuoussadie.com The movie Billy Jack came out in 1971 which would have made me about only eight years old at the time, but I don't actually recall having watched it until adolescence. I remember it distinctly though because it's my earliest memory of being aroused by bondage, even if at the time I didn't know what arousal was. The scene I remember so well was when the bad guys staked the schoolmistress to the ground and raped her, although to their credit they didn't really want to do it. And let me just add in a disclaimer here: I know this scene was not consensual BDSM so I'm not suggesting that rape is acceptable under any circumstances. That said, seeing her staked naked to the ground was reason enough for me to watch the movie enough times that now, some 30 years later I still remember every scene and song from this classic film. Being as there weren't VCRs back then I think it must have been on television repeats to beat the band. This movie hadn't popped into my head for probably 25 years or so until last month when Master Xavier blindfolded me, drove me out to a lonely spot in the woods by a bonfire, and started staking me to the ground. I was hotly sunburnt and oh so cool from the nighttime air, not to mention tired after two scenes we'd had that day. He pounded in three stakes as I listened to the echo which had that eerie sound of Jesus being staked to the cross a la Jesus Christ Superstar (not to mix my metaphors too much). As he stretched my arm to the fourth … I started panicking. I don't know quite what I thought Master Xavier was going to do to me, but I wasn't feeling all that coherent; just trembling, freaked out, and in the dark with someone who I knew but maybe not really well enough to be totally helpless with in God knows what woods in Southern Vermont. I think I needed Billy Jack to come rescue me or something. I couldn't think of my safeword and so I just started telling him to stop and I really mean it! He did, leaving me that hand free, but at the same time he let me continue to be afraid. He didn't comfort me or hold me or any of that soft touch stuff which is really what I wanted and needed at the time. In fact, he made a few mildly sardonic comments which is his style in general, comments that distanced me and made me feel less safe. Even at the time I recognized this and asked him to stop that and I really mean it. Eventually I calmed down and we went on with the scene, although the nature of it was far different than the intense spiritual scene that he had planned. As you can imagine, I'm a person who has no problem expressing my feelings about what does and does not work for me. And although I consider myself very open to new experiences, I knew that his approach to my panic was not going to work for me. On the other hand, doing mind play is also something completely new to me so I wanted to understand what his thinking was and find a way that we could both experience this without blowing what has become a pretty cool relationship. So, over French toast at Friendly's the next morning (how apropos) we had rather a vigorous discussion about how to manage the complexities of mind play, particularly in a situation with someone like me who hasn't done any of it. Master Xavier explained that to him, mind play is one of his favorite flavors of the BDSM spectrum. He says that it's very different than physical play because with physical types of play, it's fairly easy to see if your Submissive is having a problem. There are almost always outward signs of someone getting to their limits. In contrast, with mind games it's hard to see when panic might appear because the mind can be so mysterious at times. I'm certainly a good example of that because in general, I'm pretty fearless in most situations. His pleasure is actually in getting his Submissive to feel that fear, and had he stopped to hold me and comfort me, the whole scene would have been ruined. He explains this, "She may feel scared or completely panicked but it's only her mind struggling, her 'fight or flight' reflex against her trust in me. The goal is actually to make the submissive mentally uncomfortable, to play with her mind, to make her feel exposed and at risk without exposing her to any real danger." In fact, many Submissives do enjoy mind games like this, not unlike how people enjoy riding scary rides at an amusement park, and Master Xavier considers their going with him on this ride as a proof of trust in him. There seems to be a bit of a catch-22 between my trusting my Dominant completely meaning that I would have no fear at all about what he may be doing, and yet also allowing myself to feel the fear wholly because I do trust him. You might also argue that if he and I knew each other much better or were more committed to each other in terms of our D/s relationship, I might have not been so afraid. In that case, would his scene been more or less successful? Considering his goals in wanting me to feel the fear and move through it, Master Xavier would not agree to stop future scenes and comfort me. But he did agree to tone down the sardonic comments that put me right over the edge, which I think is a pretty fair compromise. Since I am new to this kind of play, I feel that I need to be especially open minded to experiencing these new kinds of explorations. We did try another mind fuck kind of scene last weekend where he put a full face hood on me as well as a gag, although the gag was the breathe-through type. When I started breathing somewhat erratically he made sure to check in on me, as I was getting a little weirded out. But I was able to stay present and focused on the strange and new happening, perhaps more so because we were safer in his home. This leads me to believe that the physiological aspects of my being hot, cold and tired were a strong element of the panic I felt during that outdoor experience. This makes sense when you think about how brainwashing is done using similar kinds of physical controls. I'm thinking that Master Xavier probably won't be staking me to the ground again which is probably too bad because now I'm ready for it and I think that scene would have been pretty mind blowing. Still, I like that he comes up with these creative scenes every time I see him. That takes a fair bit of energy I know, and probably is half the reason I'm not a Dominant myself; I'm way to lazy for that. I could pick up a copy of Billy Jack though and bring it for my next visit; maybe he'll get the hint and do a little mock rape scene with me out by the raging bonfire on the next cool September eve. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REFERENCES
About the Movie Billy Jack
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