The Flavors of my Submission
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Twenty years ago locker room chit-chat pivoted around the female orgasm: whether or not we were having one, how long it lasted, and where exactly it originated. In the BDSM community, play parties ring with the same chit-chat about subspace: whether or not we're having it, how long it lasts, and where exactly it's originating. Despite this, discussion still seems to assume that subspace is one thing that either occurs or it doesn't. I think it's far more complex than this, with flavors that vary as much as Baskin Robbins.

My own subspace experiences break out nicely into some interesting categories which I've described below. Your mileage will vary of course, so please don't take these as representative for anyone except me. Your submissive experience is, by definition, unique to you. They are simply the flavors of my subspace, included in little paper cups here so that you might have something to taste with a tiny pink spoon. They are sorted from the most intuitive and powerful experiences to the least.
 
Organic Submission
Organic submission is the experience I love best. It comes from a deep place, an instinctual response that shuts out the rest of my life. It occurs not when someone is doing something to me with this toy or that, but rather when there is a mental and spiritual connection with my partner. I felt it with Griffin when we were at a time in our relationship where we were deeply committed to each other. In particular I remember the orgasm control work we did as being profoundly moving. I had a visceral and undeniable response each time I saw him, and could feel my soul opening to him.

Engaged Submission
There are times when I'm in a public place with a date and consciously choose to submit, which is unusual because I’m generally fairly assertive and outgoing. For example I might ask him to order dinner for me as a way of invoking his dominance as well as giving him permission to do something which in today's egalitarian would be unacceptable. While it's necessary to communicate unambiguously in the beginning of a BDSM relationship, sadly it can also make the process less transparent and so less romantic. The idea is that eventually, given permission, it'll happen naturally.

Either way, I'm unlikely to enter into a deep submissive state when I'm in a restaurant and it's necessary to maintain decorum. The key thing is that the restaurant allows us a semi-private area to interact, with no one watching us like so often happens at BDSM events. If he is able to control the dinner experience, I can allow the rest of me to fall aside and relax into his hold, a comfortable and safe place in middle earth.
 
Role Playing Submission
This is the kind of submission I experience when we do role playing like the pirate and the stowaway or the naughty schoolgirl. I know it's not real of course, but I engage in a little suspension of disbelief, not unlike what we do at the movies. Sometimes for a few moments I manage to block out the rest of my life and completely revel in the role I'm playing. This feeling is helped along if I'm in a location other than my own home or the Dominant has made a real effort to create an environment that matches our storyline. Some players think that role playing isn't really submission, but you can probably imagine what I think of people who try to limit other people's experiences, so I won't bother to say it. My friend Stacey adds that role playing "can also be seen as a sort of 'self submission' where you're surrendering control to the character you've developed."

Theatrical Submission
Jonathan commented once that the only time he ever saw me be outwardly submissive was at a strict protocol party. I replied that that wasn't submission, that was me acting in the lead role of Cabaret. That's what I call Theatrical Submission, the thing that I do when I'm playing in public, participating in a demonstration, or attending an event where I'm required to conform to certain standards of behavior. I may appear to be submitting, but in fact the whole thing is one lavish performance. The very fact of people being around me by definition prevents me from letting go of my public self, making it impossible for me to achieve subspace in these situations. You might say then that this Theatrical Submission isn't actually any kind of submission, and so shouldn't be included here. This is true of course, but I've included it anyway because it is the one place where the public actually might observe me appearing to be "submissive," quite the irony you might say. Interestingly, it was during that very same conversation with Jonathan that I felt a frisson of a very real submission. It was when he was describing how he acts as an auteur does, a director fashioning a submissive experience through his control of the environment. I heard in his voice the minor key of his dominant mind, and it called to me with an unmistakable resonance.


In closing I'd like to say that these descriptions aren't in stone, even for me. Each Dominant I've been with has brought new experiences to my table, so who can say if my experience of submission will change tomorrow, next week, or next year. The important thing is not that my experience is delineated into neat boxes, but rather that writing about my experience gives readers an opportunity to look at their own. In the end, it's the discussion itself, the interior exploration of your submissive landscape, that counts.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html ). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright March 2004 Sadie Sez Publications