Expressing the Submissive within… when you're a Pretty Dominant Gal Yourself
By Sensuous Sadie with liberal assistance from Stacey
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

The truth is, after a year without sex, I could get turned on by a broccoli. Fortunately that hasn't been necessary as Frankie, a self-described ramblin' man and Irish gentleman, asked me out to dinner. I went, and some time later have taken him as a lover, or rather a "Love'ah" as Kerry Bradshaw, the author and sexual anthropologist from Sex in the City used to say. He might say he has taken me as a submissive, but either way I'm smile deep in being spanked, teased and cuddled once more. After a year in what author Anna Salter calls the "raging fever of grief," I hope his human touch will help heal the last remaining wounds.

The thing about Frankie is that he's 100% dominant, a man who eschews the scene and has little interest in toys. This of course endears him to me, as readers might recall my occasional rants about toy sluts. This 100% thing is important because nearly every partner I've been with has really been a switch. Having a switch nature brings a certain dynamic to a person's dominance, something that's hard to put a finger on. It may simply be a greater awareness of the other side of the whip, and so therefore a more sophisticated approach. Of course this sophistication can also be gained from experiencing occasional and experimental submission. The sometimes downside is that it makes me in part responsible to provide for, or at least make concessions to their need to explore their also submissive nature. Sometimes this translates to an open relationship, and sometimes to my playing reluctant Domme. Thanks to my inherent bossiness, I can do this with a fair bit of flair, but frankly, I'd just as soon curl up with a good book. And we all know the complications that can arise with open relationships.

With Frankie I can fully relax, knowing he has things 100% in hand, if you will. My friend Stacey describes it this way: "Once you get used to a dominant man making the decisions, you'll feel a wonderful melting into it." I must admit that outside the bedroom, most of my former Dominants were rather submissive in everyday interactions so I have only a few experiences with a more gestalt style of submission. That said, I have quite enjoyed those short sweet tastes, like ripe strawberries in summer. During dinner I asked Frankie to order dinner for me, which he did with gentlemanly aplomb. Not only had I never had anyone order for me before, but I was surely afraid that I might smirk while asking. I needn't have been nervous on the second account. It felt natural, and his pleasure in seeing to my needs was also my pleasure to watch. This moment was a ripe strawberry in winter, rare and sweet on the tongue indeed.

Getting to the point where I can fully melt into it isn't as easy said as done, for I may be submissive in the bedroom, but I'm unabashedly the dominant gal in regular life, conceivably even more so during dinners out with prospective partners. I realized I must find a way to allow Frankie to see my submissive side, even if it is over a platter of braised duck. So I asked Stacey for her Cliff Notes on Dating Dominants, because somehow, Stacey, no pushover herself, knows how to allow Dominants to see past her barriers. I may not be able to do it intuitively, but will rather do as she recommended: "fake it till you make it." I've had some fair success using this approach in other areas so it's likely to work here as well. She had lots more advice but despite my pestering has refused to become a columnist. So I'm going to co-opt her ideas (with her permission of course) and lay them out for you here.

Stacey tells me I have to read his lead and be prepared to respond. Not "be whatever he wants you to be," because I'm strong and vibrant and that's what's attracted him to me. She doesn't want me turning into some freaking "StepfordSub." That said, it's still about following his lead, particularly in the conversation. If he leads with banter and flirtation, well, it's not the time for a discussion of the ramifications of the tsunami on shipping lanes. If he leads with politics, be ready to respond with equal strength political debate. If he leads into story telling and funny things which happened in your lives, have some stories to share as well.

On the practical side, allow him to choose where you will sit and what you will eat for dinner. After all the dinner isn't about filling up on the actual crab rangoon, because you can have that anytime. It's about experiencing his ability to dominate in a natural setting. Perhaps there is wine left, and you want some. Looking into his eyes, say: "may I have some more wine?" Touch him, do little service things such as get up and bring him a newspaper, or a menu - a sweet small gesture. Mostly, be yourself; let him lead you to the different parts of yourself, whatever they are

Now here's the really funny part. Stacey told me that as "Leave it to Beaver" as this may sound, most dominant men still want a "lady during the day, a courtesan in the evening, and a slut after midnight" so no fetish wear, slutty stuff, or serious cleavage. Wear a soft color instead, pastels maybe. She says "if he wants the feisty and strong parts of you, your personality, words, and actions will overcome the soft color. If he prefers the softer parts of you, there's no way those softer parts can overcome leopard print or black leather." Being as the only pastel in my wardrobe was a snakeskin duster, I coifed up instead as a horsewoman with a brown jacket, black turtleneck, and long brown skirt. A more conservative outfit you could not have imagined, and guess what? He loved it! Stacey had this one down.

On the more spiritual and emotional side, there's a deeper level of D/s dynamics Stacey postulated to me, so I'm going to share it with you too, even though it ranges slightly afield. She says, "When I was twenty-something, it was all about kink. Somewhere along the line, it changed, so now it's about power and control. The bdsm activities are fun but it's more subtle for me now. I want a man who can bring me to my knees with a look, his voice, a hand gently on my shoulder. I want a primal raw connection, where there are no veneers, no skin, just connection." She adds after a moment, "After I've shared this with them, they're either staring at me like I have boogers on my face, or they are convinced they have met the woman of their dreams." What Stacey is telling me with this story is that it's no longer about finding a Dominant who knows how to swing a flogger. She wants more and so do I.
 
She posits that powerful and dominant people like equally passionate people and there has to be a synergy. First we would want to look at a person's "visceral power, " which isn't about dominance and submission, rather a sort of intrinsic force and energy which a person brings to the table. We might rank both the Dominant and the Submissive on a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest. A nine Dominant is going to be uncomfortable with a three Submissive because he or she would have to hold back rather than risk trampling the Submissive. Similarly, a four Dominant isn't going to have the power necessary for a six Submissive; they simply would not be taken seriously. The trick is to find a Dominant who has significantly more power than you, but not too much more. If the Dominant has less or equal power - no matter how wonderful they are - they won't be able to dominate effectively. Considering I am probably a seven or eight by my own reckoning, it isn't just any Dominant who's up to the job. It's also important to try to ascertain this early on, because once you're involved with someone, a mismatch can be hurtful to both sides.

So in this short span from spring rolls to fortune cookies, I must both take the measure of Frankie's dominance and somehow express my own hidden submissive side. My goal was to be the strong smart woman I am, and also give him room to take me (consent implied). Presumably I was successful as he spent yesterday evening allowing me to serve him my own homemade egg rolls, as well as myself on an appetizer platter. In turn, he shared his joie de vivre and robust passions with me. I don't really know where this is all going of course, as Frankie may well ramble his way on out of my life. In the meantime though, he is a gentle and loving transition back to the vibrant world of the heart.

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Dear Sensuous Sadie,

Thank you, thank you for this article!

I am exploring my naturally submissive side, and am in reality a pretty tough chick; manager, single mum, and all that implies. I had lunch with a wonderful man yesterday. We had just sat down, when I excused myself to go to the washroom. When I returned, he told me he had "taken the liberty" of ordering the chardonnay for me. I almost begged him to take my liberty right there - I was so turned on. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I am so tired of having to make every tiny petty decision in my life, and my deeply submissive self is only too happy to give that up to a strongly dominant man.

Hooray for you, and for me, and for all women trying to make a stand in the world and at the same time relax into the man we want to (need to?) submit to. The primal raw connection, as you say. I am learning, but I am learning I am on the right track at the same time.

~ Violet in Nova Scotia , Canada

(letter reprinted with permission) 

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html . She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.



Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications