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Exploring the Phenomenon of Strong
Female Submissives
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Listen to the
Podcast instead!
If
I had a nickel for every Submissive who hit on me, I could open my own
dungeon. The real bummer about the whole thing is that I’m submissive
myself. Oh sure, I top now and then, but when it comes down to it, my
D/s orientation is submissive. So, you ask, why are Submissives glomming
onto me like those alien pancakes glommed onto the officers of the Star
Trek Enterprise? The answer is easy: it’s my dominant personae. It
starts with being a plus-sized woman, one who wears sexy and dramatic
clothing. It continues with my articulate mind, my direct way of
speaking, and my forwardness in asking for what I want.
Yet that person, the public person, is not my sexual orientation. I say
orientation in the sense that I’ve committed myself to the lifestyle
and no longer date ‘nilla guys. When it comes to the bedroom, I love
to serve. I love to be taken. I love to suffer. I love it all.
So why’s it so hard to believe?
We’ve all seen media images of the powerful male executive who sees a
mistress on the side. We understand that men like this need some time to
let go, to not be in charge. Yet we never see media images of the
powerful female executive slipping out for a quick bondage session,
although the housewife donning a black latex catsuit to whip up a few
afternoon callers is common enough. These are roles with which we’re
all familiar, the successful male executive and the housewife. These are
roles which don’t make any waves in our patriarchal culture, at least
in public where it counts. You’d think in a culture which teaches
women to give up their own needs for others, the obvious rebellion would
be to go Dominant, but the obvious is not always the reality.
The dynamics of who we are in the bedroom, broadly speaking, versus who
we are as people are circuitous. Just as the mind, soul, and body are
all intertwined, so is our sexual orientation intertwined with who we
are as a whole person. Yet it does not automatically follow they should
present the same. If that were so, then we would all be exactly as we
appear. We would no longer have our humanity of equal parts art and
soul. Why should a person submissive in the bedroom be assumed to also
submit in life? There’s no obvious rationale to this statement, yet
it’s so commonly asked of me I have to believe that people cannot
understand the difference between sexual orientation and personhood. The
corollary is that Dominants, usually men, often assume I will submit to
them simply because they are a Master, even though they are not my
Master. Is this arrogance or just inexperience? Is it simpleminded and
simpleheaded, or simply ignorant?
On the broader level for both men and women, there is often a confusion
between submission and passivity. Being submissive doesn’t mean you
let people take advantage of you. In fact, having a strong self means
you have more to give a Dominant. If you are nothing, if you are a
doormat, there’s no challenge or excitement in dominating you. Being a
doormat is not an act of submission, but rather a state of helplessness
which invites abuse.
I am a Submissive, which is a proactive choice of seeking to please my
partner. He, in an equally proactive way, gives me the control and care
I need. It’s an equal exchange, so unlike the vanilla world where
women are often taken for granted. One of the wonderful differences in
the D/s community is that the Submissive, female or male, may well bring
home the bacon as well as fry it up in a pan, but because the exchange
is a negotiated agreement, her contributions are fully appreciated and
taken into consideration. This is not the assumption of the traditional
family dynamic where women are often working full-time and have to come
home to care for the home and children, with little help from their
partners.
Generally speaking, both female and male Dominants carry the trait of
dominance in their sexual orientation as well as in their lives. While
the image of the successful male executive who is submissive may be a
popular stereotype, I don’t actually know any men like this. In fact,
my experience with these men is that they tend to also be submissive in
a broader sense. However I’ve been told quite a few times that my
experience in this is not typical.
The interesting dynamic arises with submissive women. About half of us
are like me, powerful energetic women who love to submit. The other
half, or so, are submissive in all areas of their lives, quite often
even passive.
What does this gender difference mean? I’m guessing the traditions of
women’s roles in our culture particularly affect those of us who are
submissive sexually. Many of us struggle with wanting to express this
side of ourselves without losing the independence for which our
foremothers fought. We recognize that feminism is threatened by women
who claim their sexual nature. Of course we don’t want to lose what
history has given us: freedom to vote, to work, and to make our own
choices. Real feminism is about freedom to choose, which includes
choosing our orientation. We must educate both our sisters and our
vanilla brethren that being submissive does not necessarily diminish our
strength as women, individually or collectively. It is only when we
become passive that we are truly diminished.
On the most superficial level I, too, am that executive woman. I make
decisions all day; I don’t want to make them in the bedroom. One of
the downsides of being a strong woman is that people figure you don’t
need attention or nurturing, but they could not be more wrong. In fact,
because we receive less, we actually need it more than most. Being
submissive allows me to accept the nurturing I need, that everyone
needs.
Part of this nurturing is being the center of attention. This person,
this Dominant has spent time, money, and energy planning a scene
designed just for me. It is so focused on me that he may not even
orgasm, and is entirely understanding when I do the classic obnoxious
lover’s move of rolling over and falling asleep after the scene. On
the surface, the classic scene is enacted by the Dominant, but at the
foundation it’s about taking the Submissive into a different
headspace. Hackneyed as the phrase has become, it also comes down to the
Submissive being ultimately in control. I give up my power within a
certain sphere of influence, but even then, even at the very last minute
I can make it all stop anytime by simply speaking my safeword.
On a deeper level, serving is a spiritual act. Although I’m not a
Christian, I like the story about how Jesus washed his follower’s
feet. In serving another, I put my self aside. My demanding, selfish,
childish self. The self who wants what I want when I want it. For those
few minutes of serving, I am lifted above my mundane wants. When I am
free to fully express this side of myself, my submissive side, then I
become even more of the strong woman I am outside the bedroom, the
strong woman who revels both in her strength and in her submission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the
author of It's Not About the Whip:
Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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