By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Once upon a time, when I had instant messaging active in my e-mail program, guys hit on me pretty much every hour. Presumably being female was enough since God knows they didn’t know anything about me as a person. Nowadays with the instant messaging option turned off, I still get a fair number of people coming on to me via e-mail, which is really just as bizarre. Do they not wonder if “Sadie” is really even a woman? Do they not need to know what I do for a living, or where I live, or whether or not I’m a nice person? Presumably not. I suppose many of these people, mostly men, are novices to the BDSM scene or teenagers “trolling.” One of the tip-offs is that they so often ask me to “train” them. It’s clear they did not put an ounce of thought toward what they might be getting into, or what I as group leader would need out of a partner, or even if I was single!

I receive so many of these messages that I have a form letter for replies. (I’m not kidding). It says something about what I’m looking for in a Dominant, and explains: if they are in bed with me, figuratively speaking, then they are in bed with the BDSM community, with all the joys as well the work and the risks. It may be that no novice is ready to dominate someone who has been the leader of a BDSM group. For one thing, the majority of them have not come out. I, for the most part, have. Most of them are new to having a BDSM community. I’m in the thick of it. But most importantly, they are novices, and as such have neither the skills (how to flog) nor the experience (how long to flog) nor the confidence (when to flog) to be a proper Dominant to someone like me.

For a long time I’ve been of the opinion that if they had a Dominant mindset, which is mostly confidence, then the skills were secondary. After all, most of it is learned skills, not unlike making a good omelet. I developed this approach partly in hopes it was true, although I hadn’t yet substantiated it, but also because it seemed to be a more tactful stance considering the number of novices I interact with on a social basis.

Recently I dated Mal, one of these novices. We had gone out a few times and things were going along well, but he seemed to be having trouble taking control of the situation, of me. No one has ever accused me of being subtle, so I made it clear I was willing to follow any lead he offered. When no lead was forthcoming, I decided maybe Mal just needed a demonstration of what I wanted. I asked his permission to dominate him for five minutes. Being an occasional Dominant myself, I knew exactly what to do. It had nothing to do with toys or skills or practical things. It had everything to do with showing him I was in charge. I did this for a few minutes then invited him to take the helm. Unfortunately, despite my encouragement, he was unable to do so. I repeated this scenario with no less than two other novices with no success.

On thinking this over, I realized I had been quite naive. I thought if Mal saw what to do, his own nature would assert itself. In fact, I think at some level he was scared of me. I guess that’s pretty much the bottom line, you just plain can’t dominate someone of whom you are afraid.

Being a novice is not just about the number of play experiences you’ve had, or what kind of toys you own, or which books you have read. What differentiates the lions from the kittens is the confidence of having dominated at least one person successfully. Not just any “doormat” Submissive with no self-esteem, but someone who is a whole person. It is a whole different ball of wax to interact with someone who is as strong as you are, physically and mentally.

It may be that this one thing just can’t be gotten around. The experience of being in a D/s relationship transforms the players, not just on a superficial level, but on a deeper one. The confidence is not so much about what to do, but in knowing how to take control of another person. There are so few situations in real life where we do anything like this. Even similar experiences or fantasizing or reading about it are simply not it. It’s the difference between catering a party and reading recipes. Sure, it’s the same adventure in the mind, but the actual doing creates a whole new synaptic connection in the brain. My friend Colby has told me that becoming a Dominant changed not just his sex life, but his whole approach to life. He is more assertive, more patient, and more able to deal with complex situations.

Many novices have suggested I “train” them. I have some friends who tell me they train Dominants, and in fact prefer it because they end up with a custom-made Master. In contrast, in telling someone how, when, and where to spank me, I move into an analytical frame of mind which annihilates the experience of submitting. I also want and need to look up to my Dominant, and it’s hard to do this when he’s flopping around trying to figure out what to do with me.

Recently I had the experience of playing with Tyler , a high caliber Dominant formally trained in the art of BDSM. I hit on him because I recognized that he could take me to places most Dominants could not. Tyler didn’t have to do anything “to” me to bring out my submissive nature. He simply talked to me, touched me sometimes, and waited for me to respond to the unmistakable fragrance of control. Once, during an early conversation, he took my hand and caressed my wrist. It was probably an erogenous zone thing, and it was probably an opportunity to touch, but it was more than either of those things. Tyler was testing me to see how I would respond when he took control in a small way. And I was testing him too, to see if he could be as easily manipulated as most of the Dominants I know. Tyler didn’t need to grope me in the parking lot or have me “demonstrate” how to dominate someone. Most importantly, he didn’t allow my flirtation and teasing to invoke his dominant nature. Tyler is in control of himself, and so was in control of me.

Is this because he’s a confident, cocky guy? Of course. Is this because he has expensive toys and knows how to use them? A little bit. But are these things enough? No. It is his experience over time which made him “get it,” and there may be no way around this for the novice.

That being said, these issues were unimportant when I was starting out in the scene. My first partner Bailey and I didn’t know a darn thing between us, so we explored together. There was no pressure on either of us to perform, which worked out quite nicely. Nowadays, I usually recommend this approach to novices.

It may be that I will never be able to interact successfully with a novice, but I do keep the door cracked open in case I was wrong all along. Those “hitting on me” e-mails continue to roll in, but at least now I can explain better how the whole dynamic works, at least for me.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications