The 24/7 Series Part 1

Sensuous Sadie Considers a 24/7  - a two part series

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

I feel a vibration trilling up from my soul. It is a humming, soft and dark. My nerves are on edge, my head swims. It is not lust or love, I know those things well enough to know they are not this. It is deeper, elemental, and primal. I am powerful and powerless, my blood pulsing through me like a heavy rainstorm.

This feeling with no name is the state of true submission for me, and I have felt it only a few times in my life. Along the way of two Dominants, two Submissives and a bunch of one-night-spank-stands, I have savored its flavors from milquetoast to magic. It is a black-tie taste, acquired through grace and a sky of very bright stars.

This week I have asked Tyler to help me experience it 24/7. We discussed doing it for a limited time, a three-week contract which could be renewed so neither of us would feel pressured. This time I want it for more than just a few minutes on a convenient play evening. I want to know what it feels like to have my sexuality controlled, not in a temporary fashion forgotten an hour later, but in a very real, very visceral way. I want to know what it’s like to serve someone, not just sexually, but in all ways; not just for the evening, but for the week. I want to know what it’s like to really turn it over, not just for fun, but for real.

I want to know what it’s like to serve someone of such high caliber. I want him to take me to all the subspace places I’ve never been. Can he do it? I know he can, at least on the practical level. Does he also have the skills for the emotional wraparound which comes along? I don’t know, and maybe he doesn’t either. But if he makes that leap, the result will be a powerful dynamic of our interlocking energy.

This is the story of my first 24/7 relationship. But, as negotiations go forward, I’ve realized my 24/7 desires might not be fulfilled, at least with this person. I’d thought to write about it after the fact, but then it might not even happen. It is common for D/s relationships to burst out of the gate, but falter when life intervenes. I decided to write it anyway because my friend Elizabeth told me that much of the story is in the wanting itself, in the passion to pursue this scary, trembling feeling.

I am no easy conquest. I have my expectations born of Dominants who knew their stuff, I have my position in Rose & Thorn, and then there is my personality which ranges from Diva to Semi-Diva. It’s more than most Dominants can handle, and who could blame them? My Dominant must be superior in his mind and heart; he must not be afraid of me even deep down where he thinks I cannot see.

For me to turn control over to him, I need to know he can say “no” to me. I need to believe it completely. Most Dominants cannot do this because my mind, my passion, and my drive are stronger than theirs. It’s not because I have so much experience in BDSM, because in truth I don’t, compared to many. I have had several long-term relationships with Dominants, but they were all of the “go out to dinner, come home and play, then go home” variety. While the passion was there, I knew whatever it was I was experiencing would be over in a few hours. Now, today, that is not enough.

There are Dominants whose experience is e-based: e-mail, chat rooms, phone calls. That is not enough for me. I need the presence of power over me; I need the comfort of his arms afterward when I cry. Other Dominants have played at a hundred play parties, flogging and paddling until the wee hours, but this is not sufficient either. I need privacy to let go, to allow my submission to soar light and free. Most of all, I need the connection, not just of someone able to tell me what to do and have me do it, but the relationship which makes those things meaningful.

I do not care if he owns a thousand dollars of floggers and whips and cuffs; rather he must have a mind who can see me, really see me. I care little about “play.” I need connection. It is one thing to play with someone, but a whole other thing to truly turn it over.

As I wait and we negotiate, I flip from joy to fear. I do not go into this without trepidation. What will it be like to really belong to someone? Will I allow my fears to keep me from being genuinely present with him? Will I balk, struggle against his will? Or will I be able to finally rest, to settle into his hold with a gentle sigh?

If it is not him, it will be another. I have waited many months, even years, and I will wait longer if I have to. This time that dark magic will come by its own power, lifting me up and flying high over the trees of this mysterious and silent night.