Spirituality, BDSM, and a Stack of Unanswered Questions

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

The other day I told my friend Leela that I’d decided to change the focus of my newsletter, SCENEsubmissions, to a more spiritual orientation. Her response was to ask “What took you so long?” She has a point. Every weekend she and I spend hours exploring one philosophical idea or another, and I’ve been writing about spiritual stuff for the better part of ten years.

Somehow, it never occurred to me to explore BDSM and spirituality at the same time. Discussions seem to be few and far between, but I’m finding more compatriots now that I’m on the lookout. This is something that people seem to explore as they become more experienced in the genre. It’s not that novices don’t have a spiritual side, but for the most part they are still struggling with the mechanics.

On the other hand, while a number of people tell me of their own journeys, it’s much harder for them to tell me how I might go about it, and that’s the thing that I really want to know. Like many things there’s a gap between doing a thing and stepping back to analyze what you are doing. They are usually able to explain the hard skills of BDSM like how to flog someone or how to tie them up. But the soft skills, the metaphysical side of things are so much harder to pin down. Am I in tune with this other person, their breathing, their pulse, their facial expressions? Am I sensitive to when they are in an emotionally vulnerable place? Are we connecting in a way that’s deeper than just lust?

My pilgrimage into these provinces has just begun, although some of my experiences may have resided in that fuzzy area between subspace and spirit, it sometimes being a little hard to differentiate. Considering things from this perspective, I’m hoping that moving toward conscious exploration will require only my own intention, a mindset of openness to the teachers already on their way toward me.

In some ways, subspace is a kind of spiritual trance. We are lifted above the mundane, connected to something larger than ourselves. Leela once said to me that “The concept of being somewhere other than your ego, and surrendering your complete self with absolute trust is something that doesn’t require submission or dominance. So, maybe that’s all it takes... the surrender.”

My spiritual experience is a lot like that. It’s about turning myself over, something which happens most often when I’m alone. I take a  Taoist approach, practicing “walking” meditation through activities like writing, singing, and exercise. While the history of spiritual practices includes many systems that have a strong sexual component such as tantric sex,  I might argue that spirituality has everything to do with everything. To me, sexuality is a sacrament. It is a sacrament in that we put our selves aside to explore with another.

My mother always said that the body is a temple, and I think she meant that in more than just the “eat more whole grains” sort of way. The body is a tool to ambulate us through this world, but it also bonds us to each other. There’s an old saying I like that says “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” The conventional view is that the body stops at the edge of your skin, separate from the mind and soul. But there is an aura emanating from me, a manifestation of spiritual energy or something else? Could this be the something that makes that little frisson when I connect with someone? I read about a small forest of trees in some outlying area that appeared to be individual trees, just as it appears like we are individual and separate people. But when you look more carefully at the forest, you see that all the trees are offshoots of one giant root structure underground. They are all one tree. We are all one in the same way, interconnected and just as deeply rooted.

My friend Elizabeth tells me that the act of sexual intercourse is so intimate that by definition, it is an elementary exchange of energy. On the surface, it’s just two bodies coupling, but sometimes more when you look a little closer. Is the difference in whether you are making love or just fucking? Is your sexuality more than just how you use your genitals, and maybe something so much deeper? Is using your body to build a house or type a letter any different than selling your body?

For years I’ve had lovers who were just casual friends, and although that was enough for then, nowadays I want more of a soul connection. Some people feel that if you take casual lovers, then your energy is diverted from attracting a more committed relationship. But if God sent me a friendly lover, then I should accept that gift for the gift it is. I think of this as the “half a loaf is better than no loaf” theory. Maybe I’ve settled for having someone to cuddle. I wonder if my investing in those relationships didn’t leave a lot of space for another one, a deeper one to grow. How do I know which if any of these things are true? Could they both be true? Perhaps there is nothing lost, either in the realm of cuddling or in the realm of spirituality. Perhaps it is all the right thing as long as I am choosing for the right reasons.

On the personal level there is my subspace and my spiritual space. There is my body alone, my body in concert with spirit, and my body in physical or perhaps spiritual connection with another. There is the separate me and the me that is connected to the greater one, every one. I know I am all these things, but I don’t know where I’m going. Still, no one is going to ask me this time, “What took you so long?”

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It’s Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont ’s first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications