Master Xavier ( mstrxavier@yahoo.com )
More hot photos

The Spiritual Blow Job (No Really!)
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Listen to the Podcast of this Column

Back to the list of columns on Sadie's Relationships, including this one with Xavier


Master Xavier told me once that there isn't a Dominant – or a guy for that matter – on this planet who would turn down a blow job. I suspect he's right, which means that this is going to be a very popular article for Dominants to give to their Submissives. But fear not ye Submissives, the focus of the spirituality in this exercise could be anything. You could give him a spiritual massage, a spiritual back scratch, or a spiritual five little piggies went to town. The bottom line is that it's not about the actual act itself, but the intention behind it. I'm going to use the blow job example anyway for a number of reasons. One is that the penis is, indeed the center of many, if not most men's sexuality and masculinity and so focusing on this is naturally going to be motivating for them. The penis is the center of fertility and the base of the body just below the scrotum is a also one of the chakras. Finally, because men's organs are so vulnerable – in contrast to women's – being so close with them creates a bond of intimacy that naturally is going to be more personal than, say, nuzzling up with your man's kneecap.

All my life I've been happily giving blow jobs to my partners, but almost all of them were fairly short in duration (10-15 minutes) and usually were used as an aspect of foreplay. In other words, our goal was to get him up and ready for something – be it an orgasm, intercourse, or a scene. If it took much longer than that, I used a variety of techniques to hurry him up, and as often as not he enjoyed that as most men are also goal oriented when it comes to their orgasms as well. It wasn't until my former Dominant Alejandro came along that I was introduced to another whole way of looking at this. Alejandro wanted me to let go of my goal orientation and simply enjoy a long and relaxed session of oral pleasure with him; long as in 30 to 45 minutes or longer. He wanted not to be rushed, but to rather savor the sensations as long as he wished without wondering if I was bored or if my mind was wandering. He asked me if I could learn to meditate on what I was doing and relax into it. He taught me to breathe with him, and essentially sink into my own subspace where we rose and floated together for long periods. I had my doubts whether I could actually do this because I'm a Type A person if nothing else, but to my utter surprise I was not only able to do it, but I really grooved on it. I found that I became completely relaxed and shut out the outer world for long periods. So, you could say that a spiritual blow job is a pleasure giving session that is not designed with an orgasm or scene as an immediate goal.

I was only with Alejandro for a short time and in fact we only did this together several times so my experience with him is limited. Sadly, he declined to contribute to this essay. Far more of my experience with this approach has been with my next partner Master Xavier, who has given me a great deal of insight into how it feels from the Dominant's perspective, and that has been included here.

The first question that comes to mind is that this exercise in some ways appears to be simply a really long blow job, which of course it is. What then makes it "spiritual?" Well, that's the next part of what I'd like to look at. I like to use a construct here that I read about in Raven Kaldera's book Dark Moon Rising; Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path. He describes a number of ways that Dominants and Submissives can relate to each other in the context of a spiritual path and one of them is called the Deity/Hierodule. He writes:

Kaldera isn't actually saying that the Dominant is God of course, unless your belief system is one that sees your higher power in all beings, rather that the Dominant acts as a temporary stand in for God, a physical manifestation of the divine. Because connecting with spirit can be kind of fuzzy sometimes, having a physical person to focus on can be helpful to many Submissives. When I am giving oral pleasure, I think of my Dominant as a receiver of pleasure who is receiving it in the place of my higher power.

It's also important for the Submissive to intentionally create a sacred space in their own mind that allows them to open up to their own sense of God. I lean more toward Taoism, an Eastern belief system that sees God as imminent and present within all of us all the time. So when I'm in this process, I focus my intention on opening myself up both spiritually and physically both to my Dominant and to God, however that spirit wants to enter me. I sometimes feel it as an opening, a flowering inside me. It's not a big drum roll kind of submission, but a quiet thing.

The Dominant also needs to have a bit of an attitude adjustment, both in practical as well as spiritual ways. One of the big changes is that because the Submissive is there for the duration with no intention to rush him or "get on with it," he also has to release his expectations of having an orgasm as soon as possible. Master Xavier says it this way: "In the past I was always focused on the orgasm. But now I can be focused on the NOW without having to worry that my Submissive will get bored or irritated with me after 15 minutes of pleasuring me. I can get far deeper into each moment, and the moments feel much longer." He explains that because the timing issues around when to orgasm go away, he can release himself entirely to experiencing the pleasure exactly as it is. Xavier talks about where his mind goes when he's receiving the pleasure: "It's a challenge to explain it because for me it's very much a larger contemplation of being where my mind wanders around about how the world exists, how things came to be. I don't address God directly. It's almost like a level of existence where I'm not aware of anything. "

Clearly, the spiritual blow job as I've described it is optimal for certain kinds of men which are those who don't come quickly (often men who are older) as well as those who can experience extended arousal. I've found that during a long session, my partner's penis may get hard and soft multiple times and it can be quite pleasurable to gently suckle a soft penis. As you can imagine, this often is ineffective with young bucks who are likely to come after a few minutes regardless of their mental intentions.

There are some more delineated techniques that we came up with that we'd like to include here, although certainly this is not a complete list so feel free to add your own.

~ We try to breath slowly and deeply together and to be aware of each other's breathing cycle. This is a common technique in other spiritual practices such as Tantra.
~ I try to be especially aware of my different senses such as the taste, smell, and feel of him.
~ I focus on what I'm doing and as in mediation, if other thoughts come in to my mind, I simply let them float back out.
~ I make sure that I'm comfortably seated or laying down. This doesn't work if some part of your body is aching. Try resting your head on their thigh and letting their cock lay in your mouth at an angle. Every stroke does not need to be a big deal.
~ Cleanliness is especially important here for the Dominant, as the Submissive will be in very close proximity for a very long time.
~ Ask your Dominant what kind of things they like in the oral pleasure arena and do those things. Don't forget their balls and anal area as these areas are exquisitely sensitive.
~ For the first half of our time, I pretty much do what I please in terms of pleasuring him. Then for the second half he holds my head, hair, and mouth with both hands at various times and moves me for his pleasure. This gives the added bonus of giving me the control that I need as well. It's a win-win situation.
~ Need some technique ideas? I have a video I bought back in 1992 called "How to Perform Fellatio" which has been the best investment I ever made. It's available now on DVD and includes a section on cunnelingus as well. You can buy it here cheap: http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=5981358&style=ice&cart=405944830 
~ Also I haven't seen this DVD but I like Nina Hartley so it's probably pretty good. Nina Hartley's Guide to Oral Sex: http://www.goodvibes.com/item--i-8-7-MK-0306.html 

 

I discovered that this process was easy to learn and enjoy and I've been doing it ever since, although obviously it's not something you can do unless you have some time and focus to give to it. I think you also need to be in a positive and generous state of mind. When I'm feeling hurt or resentful, I find it very difficult to think about giving this much love and attention to my partner. That said, I think that this is one of the great gifts that a Submissive can give to their Dominant, and while this article is focused on men, it can certainly be done with a female Dominant just as easily. Master Xavier adds a final word: "At the end when you finally come, it actually requires some thought about it; whether you really want to almost. There's almost a reluctance to end it and come – something I've not experienced before." And from the submissive side I'd have to agree with him as well, because even though I don't come at the end of our session, I'm left with a blissful state that lasts for hours. Can't beat that, even with a good game of five little piggies went to town.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alejandro, the originator of the Spiritual Blow Job
 

More Photos of Alejandro

 

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2006 Sadie Sez Publications