The Feminist Submissive, and a Spiritual Approach to Surrender

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com


My mother married for love, but she admitted once that she had children “because that’s just what you did in those days.” While my sister and brother were still toddlers, feminism kicked my mother’s consciousness up a notch. By the time she raised me, her late third child, she brooked nothing other than total equality in our household. Barbie was banned, replaced by gender-free toys such as my stuffed octopus (although between you and me, I did sneak a few Barbies). I admit that I have wondered what my mother might have done in the absence of a traditional family of five. Aside from the obvious and immeasurable loss of not having me, she might have enjoyed life more as a free agent.

My mother’s gift to me was a healthy dose of self esteem and a sense that I am captain of my own ship. As a result, I have been free to live my life consciously, choosing my path as much as anyone can. I decided early not to have children and so unfettered, have been able to follow my passions without the constraints of a family. I work at a career I chose. I live in a place that resonates with my spirit. I sleep with whom I wish. I spend my free time and money on things that move me. Having just reached 40 years old, I can only say that while it has not always been an easy ride, I have lived life on my terms.

Considering this happy state of things, you might wonder why I would want to surrender all this good stuff to some Dominant. For one thing, submitting to a man smacks of putting women’s rights back a hundred years. After all, it was precisely the economic, political and personal dominion of men that women like my mother fought so hard to escape. I fear that I might somehow be perpetuating the idea that men are more valuable than women, not to mention mystified that the majority of heterosexual BDSM couples are male Dominant, female Submissive. Has feminism not yet reached sexual consciousness? I wonder to what extent my life as a submissive is a reflection of the broader culture, and not truly an expression of my deepest self. After all, we can all only make choices to the extent that we are aware of the possibility of making those choices. My mother “chose” to have children because not having them didn’t occur to her. It was not an option of the white upper-middle class body politic of the time.

Women today, particularly those who are unaware of how different life was for women just fifty years ago, tend to think of feminism as being about the freedom to work outside the home. That makes sense, because economic independence is one foundation of freedom (i.e. it’s hard to choose to live independently if you cannot support yourself). Despite the continuing differential in pay for the same jobs, today we have choices that my mother and grandmother could not have conceived. My mother couldn’t imagine not having children in the 1950s, and so she had them. Fortunately I live in a culture where few people care whether I have children, not to mention that they usually prefer it that way since I would not make a good parent. Nor could my mother have imagined a career that made as much money as her husband (maybe even more) or which was equally as important in the family dynamics.

Feminism is about jobs, money, and children. Feminism is also about choice, and not just in the realm of the abortion debate which that word has become associated with. This option to choose is the very thing that allows me to choose to submit to Griffin, and to do so without excuses. Despite this, I can understand why it might appear that Griffin is controlling my life in a way that is contradictory to my feminist nature. This apparent contraction is a false one however.

What I am really doing is serving God through the construct of serving Griffin. I am not saying that Griffin is God, but he is a physical manifestation of spirit, as am I. It is my nature to submit, and so I must do so or be contrary to everything I believe about following my spiritual path. This approach, a reflection of my Taoist beliefs, is explained in “The Tao of Pooh,” where author Benjamin Hoff paraphrases some Taoist wisdom: “when you know and respect your inner nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong.” So part of my choice to submit is because it is my nature. The other part is that by turning my will over to Griffin, I am practicing a surrender to spirit.

The act of surrender in general allows me to connect with God. The act of surrender to Griffin in particular gives me an environment where I can practice this in a way that is totally explicit.

When I say that I’m surrendering to Griffin, the functional word is “surrendering,” not “to Griffin.” It is first about my experience, not about him. This may sound a bit like he is just a conduit for spiritual exploration for me. While the spiritual experience may be coming to me in the form of Griffin, my feelings for him are totally about him. I love him not because of his ability to “take me there,” but because of who he is.

In controlling me, Griffin does not see himself “as the boss over me,” but instead he sees our energies interwoven through crossing and recrossing the “body between.”* He understands that we are equal participants in an exchange of spiritual energy manifested through the power exchange. We are choosing to do this through the construct of BDSM because it is a clear and unambiguous way to practice surrender, but there are lots of other ways to do this which are equally as valid. We just happen to resonate with this one, and besides, it’s one hell of a turn on.

Sometimes putting things in the context of the spiritual experience can seem to elevate them from criticism somehow. I am not making an argument for validity of the submissive experience because I’m doing it in a spiritual manner. Submission does not need to be validated or shown to support feminism; it exists independently of feminist dialogue. As BDSM author Screamer says in her article, Submissive and Feminist - Contradiction or Consistency?, “Am I any less a feminist because I enjoy being tied to a bed? Are you any less a woman if you choose to love another woman? Are you any less a mother if you choose to abort a pregnancy after carrying six? Are you any less a woman of color if one of your parents are white? All four questions can be answered with a resounding ‘NO!’” The dichotomy between feminism and submission is a false one, reflecting not a real issue, but the fear of alternative sexuality underlying mainstream culture. As my friend Susan says, there's a difference between voluntarily and intelligently submitting control, and just not having that control in the first place. There's a difference between submission and subservience.”

I wonder what my mother would think of my BDSM lifestyle. I know she would recognize the roots of sexual pride that she planted in my garden. Perhaps, had she known of the options now available to us on a global scale, she might have chosen a completely different life. On the other hand, considering the time she lived in, you could say she was living a pretty radical life as it was. I’m glad that at least for the second half of her life, her consciousness was raised enough that she could live fully in the way she chose, just like I have.


~~~


* BDSM & Spirituality author Deborah Addington defines the Body Between as, “When we exchange energies, we create a third entity: the Body Between. It’s that Body that lets us get as close to god as possible while wearing skin.”


Submissive and Feminist - Contradiction or Consistency?
By Screamer
screamer_girl@hotmail.com
http://www.thescreamergirl.com


Sensuous Sadie is the author of It’s Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont ’s first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications