BDSM is About Spiritual Transformation – My Own Story 
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com  

Moby was tied and still, his arms outstretched. From the front Mistress Savannah raked her fingernails around the tender part of his neck, across his nipples, and down to torture his balls. He was naked to her, and to me standing behind. I pressed up against him in full body contact so that each cry, each moan, each tremble coursed through his body right into mine. And yet,  there was a space between us that was neither him nor me, but other.  I felt the presence of God there holding him safely even as I held him safely against me.


This is the story of my journey into BDSM and spirituality. I’m still on the journey actually; in fact I’m nearer to the beginning of it than I am to the end. It’s also the story of what I learned along the way from other spelunkers. Each person gave me some ideas about how they go about things, some of which worked for me, and some of which didn’t. Some might work for you too, and some might not. I’ve just stepped off the pavement on to a winding path, and so I invite you to take a walk with me and see what we find in the deep woods ahead.

Why Write about BDSM & Spirituality?
When I started researching what other people had written about BDSM and spirituality, I discovered to my surprise that there wasn’t a huge base of literature. Much of the current writings come from the lesbian/gay perspective, a unique community with a long history in BDSM. Unfortunately, much of the contemporary BDSM community has neither the history or the traditions of the tight-knit GLBT communities of the 1960’s through the 1980’s. In fact there are some in the gay community who do not want to assimilate either their sexuality or their BDSM/leather preferences. Instead, the contemporary community is characterized by a highly diverse and heterogeneous population, with a majority of heterosexual and bi-sexual members. These changes came to be in large part due to the Internet, which changed accessibility to information forever. This is not to say that we have nothing in common with the each other, only that there is a need to speak to this far broader cross-section of American culture.

In his speech on the history of  leather, veteran leatherman Joseph Bean writes about the glory days of the old guard as it existed in the early Gay BDSM community of the 1960’s. (Bean, Future of Leather). And yet, many in today’s contemporary BDSM culture are horrified by the apparent lack of consentuality that sometimes occurred during that period. Call me a new age BDSMer if you must, but I consider both Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) to be essential elements of healthy BDSM, both on the personal and the community level. They both smack of sloganism, but they are very real too. I’ll take BDSM as it is today, still stigmatized, but further down the road to tolerance, if not occasional acceptance by vanilla folk.

BDSM and spirituality is a subject that is still not all that common a topic of conversation.  I suppose this is because so many novices, who comprise the majority of the community, are busy just getting the mechanics down. Certainly, while a majority of Americans believe in God, many of them don’t feel that spiritual practice is polite conversation, something akin to avoiding religion and politics at the dinner table. My hope is to bring all these ideas together and offer an overview that is more accessible to this diverse community of scene players.

What does BDSM have to do with Spirituality?
There are lots of ways to explore BDSM and lots of ways to explore spirituality. You can do one with or without the other. Some people feel that their spiritual side is always present, whether doing BDSM or anything else, so the question is meaningless for them. Others think that connecting BDSM and spirituality is kind of foolish. “Perhaps it’s the image of SM as mere kinky sex which makes the idea of SM/Spirituality seem silly and affected,” says columnist Chris M. In contrast, I believe that it takes conscious acts to live a spiritual life. Spirituality is fundamental to how I move through my life, and BDSM is one way to stamp my ticket there.

My lens is that of a liberal religious tradition and a belief that all religious practices lead to the divine. I don’t see myself as an expert, but rather someone exploring the path beside you, my reader. If I am anything, I may be something of a shaman writer, a tour guide with a battered but somewhat readable map and a sense of humor about the possibility that we might get a little lost.

Readers have sometimes commented that I don’t often provide “the answers” in my writings, and they’re right. I don’t have all that many answers, but I do know how to ask the right questions, and I’ll be asking lots of them. I’ll ask, and try things out, and some will work and some won’t. It will probably be the same for you, and that’s okay too. There is no right answer. All spiritual or religious paths are equally valid in getting to God or enlightenment, or whatever you want to name that higher power. I validate all approaches, whether it’s a formal religion or just your own way of connecting to yourself.

Despite my own history of thinking and writing about spirituality, I’ve felt an ingrained resistance to exploring BDSM and spirituality together. Our culture separates sexuality and spirituality in what is called “Platonic Dualism” where the mind and body, or in this case spirituality and sexuality, are seen as separate, distinct parts of our humanity. This concept is deeply embedded in our shared history of Christianity and Puritanism. In some ways it seems, at least from a cultural perspective, that sex dirties the spiritual path, making it a sin first and a transforming experience later, if ever. Even so, I do know on a essential level that all things are spiritual, including sexuality and BDSM. I’m not suggesting that BDSM is “the” way to the spiritual experience, but rather one way to get there. There are many other ways, from formal religious practice to mindfully approaching everyday experiences such as doing the dishes.

What is Spirituality? or, What is it for me anyway.
On the one hand, they say that nature of the Tao (or God) cannot be explained. And it may be that any definition would, by its very nature, not work for everyone because each spiritual experience cannot help but be unique to the person experiencing it. That being said, this is what the spiritual experience is for me. If it’s close to your beliefs, great. If not, feel free to insert your own definition here.

For me, spirituality is when I feel at one with the world, fully present with who I am and where I am going. I have a sense of the connection between me and the living things of our planet. I understand where I am on my own life path, and feel the rightness of being exactly there, where I am supposed to be. I am using my gifts to make life better not just for me, but for others. I am fearless, knowing that God is taking care of me.

What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism, which are the technical side of things. However, BDSM is really about Domspace and Subpace. Subaltern’s BDSM Dictionary of terms says that Subspace can be described as “a spiritually transcendent state of complete and overwhelming bliss, the aftereffects of which can last for hours and even days. While this is happening, the submissive/bottom is often said to be flying. It is similar to, but exponentially more intense and powerful than, what is often called runner’s high.” (Subaltern, Dictionary) How is this different or the same as Domspace? Well that’s pretty hard to say, but suffice it to say that there are potent similarities.

What I Believe About Spirituality
My approach is a combination of Unitarian Universalism and Taoism. As a lifetime Unitarian Universalist, I learned that each of us can experience God directly, and we don’t need an intermediary like a priest to connect with God or have a spiritual experience. We are each responsible for our own exploration of spirituality and for the belief system that rises from that experience. Our spiritual self is inside and outside of us, here on earth in every day, every act, every person. God is not a separate being up there and separate from humanity, but within and between. Not removed, but immanent. In keeping with Unitarian Universalist teachings, my religious beliefs are not based on dogma told to me, but rather on my own experience in this world. My belief system was also flavored with Taoism which taught me to allow spirit to move through me and bring me to the right place in my life, present in each moment as it happens.

I also believe that spirituality should be accessible, available to anyone at anytime. We don’t need to do extreme things like fasting as occur some Eastern religions, or serious body modification as in some BDSM practices, although these are valid paths. We don’t need equipment or fancy training, only the intention to go there. God is near, existing in the now. Some say that only Jesus is the son of God, but I say that we are all the sons and daughters of God, physical manifestations of spirit. When we live fully, to our potential and true to our selves, then we serve God and ourselves at the most spiritual level.

I think of my body as a temple, a physical manifestation of spirit. Author Patrick Califia says that “Despite our mortality, the flesh is the only route we can take to glimpse eternity.” (Califia, Necessity of Excess)  Because our minds are housed in our bodies, we cannot separate the mind from the body, or even from the soul. It would be nice if we could just decide to have some spiritual experiences and along they’d come, but practically speaking it’s easier and more direct to use the body as a way to get there. I start with the premise that we can use the body to explore the spirit, even knowing we might get caught up in a catch-22 because the body and spirit are so interconnected. Despite this apparent conflict, BDSM can also be the shaman, the guide to help us cross over into recognizably spiritual territory.

My Spiritual Experiences
During college I started reading about pantheism, which is a combination of “pan” or “all,” and “theism” which is “God.” Even at this tender age I could see how my higher power was present in all things of this earth, not just human beings. In particular I recognized that animals too have souls, something that Gary Kowalski, a Unitarian Universalist minister writes about in his book “The Souls of Animals.” I most often feel the force of spiritual things in the everyday, or what you might call a walking meditation in the Taoist tradition. A few times I have experienced miraculous things.

The first miracle happened in my early 20’s when I went to overeater’s anonymous. I was addicted to food, and hopelessly miserable with the fact that food owned me. While working through the twelve steps, I turned over my addiction to my higher power and it was not long after that I was freed of this addiction. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how this could have happened without God’s intervention. Of course it could have been a coincidence, which is the bottom line of all faith. The analytical scientist in me could have chosen that route. Instead I chose, and it is a choice, to believe that there are no coincidences. Once I took that path, God has been revealed to me in a hundred, in a thousand daily ways, not unlike how once you buy a red car, all of a sudden you see red cars everywhere. Once our eyes are opened to the divine, we cannot but help to see it all around.

It may be that I’m fooling myself, but I have come to the conclusion that if that is so, then it’s okay. For one thing I won’t know it until I’m dead. But more importantly, if my faith gave me strength when I was weak and courage when I was fearful, then I’ll choose self deception anytime. Because the bottom line is that it worked for me, and has hurt no one. My mother loved to quote that old quote about religion being the opiate of the masses, although she tended to use the word “crutch,” and maybe that’s true. Sometimes our world is a hard one, and a little self delusion to make it through the day is all right by me.

Turning myself over to my higher power frees me. It’s not unlike the apparent contradiction of the Submissive turning their power over to his or her Dominant. On the surface it appears to be weakness, but on a deeper level it takes great strength to surrender. It is far easier to keep up one’s defenses and stay so busy that life just goes on by. By turning myself over to God, or to my Dominant, my soul and my Submissive spirit are freed. When I am allowed to be my best self, I am a living embodiment of spirit.

And yet, just as in twelve step programs, it seems counterintuitive that by turning over our power, we are freed. You might even say that the overeater or the alcoholic need more control, not less. This comes from the American cultural idea that structure is limiting by definition. That’s why some people don’t like the structure of a 9 to 5 day, or staying in one town, or focussing on one skill. My parents, being children of the 1960’s, thought that by providing few boundaries for their children, they would grow up to be free spirits. In a way they were right, at least with me, but only because I learned how to create my own boundaries, something which is harder to learn once grown. The reality is that without boundaries we are unable to say no, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, food, or simply to someone asking a favor that we don’t want to do. I wanted and needed boundaries as a child even as I want and need them now.

In submitting to a Dominant with clear rules, I know where I stand. There is a clarity there that eludes me in everyday life where little is black and white. When I was collared, I felt a sureness in my step that freed me to use my psychic energy elsewhere.

I have also had several strange experiences that were kind of like a fugue. One of them happened after I saw the movie “Wolf” starring Jack Nicholson. There was something about the animalistic theme of this film that resonated with the core of my being. Afterwards I walked for hours in a state of powerful self-awareness, not unlike being on some kind of drug. It was physiological and it was more; something larger than myself was acting through me. The only thing that I regret was that I didn’t at that time have a way to transform that magical feeling into something I could share, as I now do with words.

Although I have many artistic gifts, I most often feel spirit working through me when writing. I will sometimes read my own words and feel the passion and strength of purpose that lies within them, and now again within me. I can also see the effect on the many readers who respond to what I’ve written. That is the spirit in me moving out into the community and touching other people.

My BDSM/Spirituality Experiences
The BDSM/spirituality experience is a new area of exploration for me, and despite the fact that I’m writing a book on the subject, I think of myself as a novice. On the other hand, I have explored and written about both spirituality and BDSM for over a decade. So perhaps I know more than I am aware of knowing.

Until recently I had not yet found a partner who was interested in exploring this as deeply as I would have liked. Fortunately that has changed with the arrival of Griffin , but you can read more about our travels in other columns. I don’t know if I didn’t find a partner into this before Griffin because so few are interested in a spiritual approach, or because I wasn’t ready for it myself. Maybe both. Now that I’ve focussed on this, I’ve found a different sort of people attracted to me.

One person suggested that I should darn well know what I want before I expect to find it, similar to the old credo of “if you don’t know where you’re going, how will you know when you get there?” They wanted me to have the answers, and be ready to hand them over on a silver platter. Unfortunately for them, I don’t really work that way. I use BDSM and spirituality to explore BDSM and spirituality, and will go wherever it leads. The process of exploration helps me figure out where I’m going as well as get me on the road to wherever that is. In a very real way, the process itself is the path (a lot like life actually). I don’t believe that there’s a nirvana, a place where we get to if we all do our spiritual stuff just right. Rather, the process of the exploration itself is the spiritual place. Another way to say this is that the experience of my actual exploration of this topic, including the actual BDSM play, the reading, the writing, the sharing with friends; all represent process as it’s actually happening in my life today. 

I have also felt a sense of the spiritual in my BDSM play with my submissive Moby. We were deeply in love, and that surely contributed to our connection. I have looked into his eyes during a scene and I could see his pain on the physical level, and feel it on a soul level.

So, What’s a BDSM Spiritual Experience Like?
When we look at BDSM as a catalyst to spiritual transformation, we take it out of the context of the community, the politics, the play parties, and even from play that exists purely on it’s own merits. There may not be one way to define where BDSM play becomes spiritual, but some writers have done a pretty good job of it. Mystress Angelique Serpent writes about her experience as, “clear headed, relaxed, peaceful, serene as the Buddha, my body tingling.” (Serpent, Why Seek…) The difference is not from the observer’s perspective, but from hers; only she can define that experience as a spiritual one. One of the best descriptions I’ve ever read of this kind was in one in Jack Rinella’s column SM Travel. He writes:

I had seen Jim play before and knew him to be an experienced masochist. If ever there was the right moment to bring someone through a “window” into another reality, this was it. For a time Jim struggled with the lashes, yelling quietly, squirming on the mattress to the extent that the ropes allowed, and bucking up and down, trying to avoid the pain. I refused to let his cries or his movements distract me. Eventually he became silent. His breathing moved into an easy, sleep-like rhythm. His body relaxed profoundly… The scene quietly flowed into a high level of intensity. Both of us were “buzzing” with delightful sensations. In that moment we both had an indescribable experience. Something passed between us, engulfed us, lifted us to some celestial plane. It was what I have come to call a “white light” experience.

Perhaps on the surface Jack’s experience would look like any other BDSM play, but here again we see that movement from subspace to a deeper level, a spiritual level. What was the difference between this experience and any one of many that Jack has had? Even he can’t explain, or even consciously duplicate it. Despite Jack’s feeling that this was not duplicable, I think that with the intention to go there, we will. This is where I too, have the intention to go. I hope you will join me.




¹ Reprinted with permission of Jack Rinella
mrjackr@leathermail.com 
www.leatherviews.com  


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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html ). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications