A Devil in the Hot Tub
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Read the second article in this series An Angel in the Hot Tub

This is one of several postscripts to my column series called "My Travels with Griffin ." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin  with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. While Griffin probably does not like what I wrote, he did have the opportunity to review it and make corrections.

Sticking to our bottom line tests our mettle and will. It can feel like waging an inner war, but along with feelings of withdrawal - loneliness, fear, guilt, and emptiness - we feel a new kind of freedom when we remain loyal to ourselves.
~ Charlotte Kasl, If the Buddha Dated
  
A few years back I broke up with a boyfriend who I loved, but could not live with. I knew I'd be grieving for him for a while, and yet a few weeks later he moved in with some other gal. It hurt that I was so easily replaceable, and I vowed not make another person feel that same way.
 
Oddly enough, I find myself in a similar place. My partner Griffin left the BDSM scene about six weeks ago, a leaving so unexpected that my heart is still recovering from the blow. I know his decision was not "personal," but of course it affected me on the deepest personal level. Although I'm not looking to replace him, I suppose I am looking to recalibrate my love life. It was in this state of mind that I visited Diego, an old flame who will never be a long-term committed relationship, but will always be a dependable flirting buddy.
 
I'm pretty sure Diego didn't have seduction on his agenda, but there turned out to be a bit of that in the details; which just goes to show that if God is in the details, the Devil probably is too. Diego's hot tub is on a deck high over the hills of Lake Champlain, surrounded by a ring of spare trees. The big dipper rose in the sky as we gazed up, pouring cold night air upon my breasts which would become swollen in the steam. We traded languid flirtations while lights from the hot tub changed from red to purple to green. Diego in his glowing nakedness teased me, coaxed me, offered a little something to gentle my broken heart. Oh how I was tempted. Maybe for a little pleasure of which I hadn't had much of lately. Maybe to hurt Griffin a little bit in petty trade. Maybe just to make up for the flopped seduction with Diego a few years back.
 
My fingers twitched as I leaned closer to get a glimpse of his legendary balls, but somehow, I managed to keep my hands to myself. There, with steam rising from my skin like smoke, I thought of a description of the devil that I'd read: "Satan is an androgynous being who taunts Jesus and shows up as a shadowy figure in the crowds."* Not that Diego is Satan, but his temptation is indeed a shadowy ambiguous figure, one not easily recognized except for the still small voice within.
 
That voice was easy to hear in the silence so far above the lake, so eventually I pulled myself back into the winter's chill and left behind the invitation of Diego's warm touch. I did this because I remembered the year I spent waiting for Griffin, fervent in my faith that he would come to me. That year was as clear as this winter's night, my own big dipper rising through the trees, starkly bright and ready to pour love down upon me. I remembered that each relationship, no matter how casual it might appear on the surface, takes a certain amount of psychic energy. As I did before, I want to save that energy for someone who can love me for more than an evening in the colored lights of a hot tub.
 
I'm glad that I won't have to blush the next time I see Diego for some silly thing we would have both forgotten already. And I'm glad that Griffin won't have to read that I've replaced him with some guy with big balls in a hot tub; an image so cliché I'm embarrassed to even write it down. Instead he will be reminded that I will never replace the love he gave me, because that at least can belong only to him. I may have to move on somehow and some way, but I won't ever deny Griffin's gift to me with an easy replacement. Rather, I'll stay loyal to myself, and be quiet for a while in the silence of this dark night.

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REFERENCES
*Movie Review of: The Passion of the Christ by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat in Spirituality & Health Magazine http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/newsh/items/home/item_216.html 
 
Read Submission on Thanksgiving Night, the column where I first wrote about Diego

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html ). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright March 2004 Sadie Sez Publications