By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

The first time I attempted to follow formal BDSM protocol it was a big fat failure. Part of the problem was that I was in a non-protocol setting. Not being able to identify whether a particular person was Dominant or Submissive put me in quite the quandary, not to mention trying to figure this out in the five seconds as they ran up and hugged me.

I was attempting this protocol feat because I was training with Master Dex of House Mermaid who appreciates the finer flavors of these kind of structured interactions. The truth is, I don’t give a hoot about protocol. I’m not big on ceremony in general, and can be downright surly about rules in particular. I’ve even been told that I think the rules don’t apply to me, which may well be true. I tend to see things like ceremony and regulations as artificial constructs, constructs which can assume more importance than the human connection.

I’m not saying rules are never important. Nor am I saying it’s okay to disrespect fellow players. What I am saying is that following rules for their own sake does nothing for my vanilla self and even less for my Submissive self.

Let’s back up a little bit here, because it’s easy to get things mushed up. Information abounds on the rules of the BDSM game, and those rules vary a lot, just like recipes for spaghetti sauce. The general breakdown seems to be between etiquette and protocol. Etiquette is the good manners things we do at events which show respect for each other, such as not touching someone else’s toys, respecting other people’s kinks, and not outing people. I agree with this approach, not because of that hackneyed golden rule business, but because it’s basic respect. Protocol tends to refer to the series of public interaction rules which grew out of our military history where the BDSM community was born. Master Dex describes the historical piece this way:

“Much of the early protocols adopted in the lifestyle came from military servicepeople returning following World War II. Protocols between officers and enlisted personnel translated into the way Doms approached other Doms, Doms interacted with submissives, and subs interacted with other subs. These are general rules of conduct and behavior for when people and groups approach each other.”

Common protocols you might hear about include things like Submissives not being allowed to sit on the furniture or avoiding eye contact with other Dominants. Dominants may be asked to “protect” other Submissives as well as not initiate contact directly with someone else’s Submissive.

Things sometimes get a little bit fuzzy, no matter how you differentiate between etiquette and protocol. At House Mermaid one of their protocols includes the statement “What goes on in the House stays in the House.” Is this etiquette or protocol? Depends, I guess, on how you define it. Definitions aside it’s a good rule which shows respect for what happens in the house. Lord Battista of the Erotic Power Exchange Dominion elaborates: “All facets of our life have protocols. There is the way we treat each other, the simple protocol of welcoming a new person to our neighborhood, the way we greet an old friend with a handshake, or for us bikers a hardy hug and a pat on the back.”
 
It is the protocol part of things which leaves me cold. For people who dig the ceremony, the structure, the clear rules, protocol can be a reflection of their inner self. Some others, the artistic temperamental types, prefer to wriggle our own way. I often feel quite silly when attempting to follow formal protocol, and feeling silly doesn’t add anything to my Submissive experience. I don’t see that it makes a jot of difference where I’m sitting or whether or not I put my hand out first to shake someone’s hand.

The handkerchief code is an example of a construct in our community, not part of protocol per se, but similar in its history and structure. The hanky code helps people identify each other’s orientation, the left jean’s pocket for Dominants and the right pocket for Submissives. Since I don’t wear jeans to scene events, or in fact anywhere, I don’t have anyplace to put a colored hanky. Not to mention, as my friend Gary Switch points out, that there’s no middle pocket for us switches. In the subdued lighting of most events I’ve attended, I’d have to peer pretty close at someone’s ass to figure out whether the darn thing was light pink (dildo fucker) or dark pink (tit torturer). Mixing these up could be a mistake of serious proportions. You might be willing to argue this code is or is not defined as protocol, which is one thing, but as an example of a set of rules, I find it impractical and confusing.

It is in things like the hanky code where people can mistake the form of BDSM for the content of BDSM. Form is the toys, the fashion, the community, and, the protocol. These are the accoutrements of our lifestyle, physical manifestations which represent what we’re feeling, not the experience of Dom or Subspace itself. It’s certainly true that I love scene fashion as much as the next girl, and also true that I never wear heels higher than 1.5 inches. Do I think fabulous 6” heels are cool? Sure I do. But they are not what being Dominant or Submissive is about.

So this is my take on the protocol thing. Sure it’s a bit loosey goosey, but then so am I. Given this you might be surprised to know that the other night I stood up and gave a mildly impassioned speech about why we should all know and care about protocol. I received a few raised eyebrows of course, being as my feelings about this particular topic are well known.

I think of formal protocol as Emily Post for the BDSM world, manners to smooth the way between different ways of living, of which we have many. Holding your fork like a shovel and scooping food into your open maw may work fine at home, but won’t fly at a dinner party. Wearing jeans might be great at a munch, but wear them to an office with a dress code and you sure will lose your chance at a promotion. In this context, there are plenty of good reasons to know some kind of basic rules. Knowing the protocol of your group or community gains you entre and respect because you cared enough to be aware of the community standards.

Depending on the flavor of your community, protocol may or may not be practiced actively. Even if you aren’t using it much at home, eventually you’ll travel a bit and want to be easily accepted into other communities. The key thing is to check out the groups before leaving and so do the “when in Rome ” thing when you get there.

Lastly, formal protocol is an important part of the BDSM community’s history. Why is history important? Well, it may not be for you personally, but our community would not be here without the many people who have fought to get us here. Groups like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom are still fighting for us today, both in the legal and the political arenas. I’ve been reading lately about people who have been prosecuted for private BDSM practices and groups who have had events cancelled because of closed-minded religious freaks. Even with this, we have the freedom to congregate and explore our lifestyles mostly freely. Many of us have the choice to come out and know that our legal rights will be protected. Thank our foremothers and forefathers for providing us this mature community. Thanking them means knowing a little bit about how our community developed.

At that first party where I tried to follow formal protocol, I didn’t do such a great job. But at least I’ll know that I made the choice to know what the rules were, even if my performance was a big fat failure. What counts to Master Dex and to me was the effort.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications