Protecting your Identity in the BDSM Scene

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 


My good friend Carson told me that he moved to New Hampshire because he had been outed at his previous job which he subsequently lost. Although he could have sued, he felt that the cost and the stress outweighed any possibility of future happiness there. In a similar situation, my friend Tom told me that he moved to Vermont because a civil union would provide him with additional protection. He and his partner had lived in a conservative area of Minnesota, and custody of his children would be at risk had it become common knowledge that he was involved in the BDSM scene. Because of their life choices, people like Carson and Tom are on the high end of needing to protect their privacy.

You could call me a "moderate" in the continuum of outness because I keep it on a need to know basis. I have more freedom to be out because I have no children and I work in a relatively liberal company which prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation. My doctor knows about my orientation of course, as do my family and close friends. While it is not a secret, I do think of it as private in that my sexuality is not germane to what most people need to know about me. Yet I don’t think of myself as being "in the closet" because I’d discuss BDSM with anyone who asked and I am proud of my writing. My friend Stacey says that, "I've always kept this part of my life private, other than with people who I know are also involved. I'm a businesswoman, a quilter, a softball player, a town official, a volunteer at a residential care facility, make great jambalaya, read voraciously, and am learning to ballroom dance. None of the people in these other areas of my life need to know how I fall to my knees in surrender when a partner grabs my hair."

On the far end of outness are activists, writers, and group leaders like Susan Wright of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, John Warren, author of The Loving Dominant, and Laura Goodwin, leader of United Leatherfolk of Connecticut. (ULC). These people are out with everyone all the time due at least in part to their celebrity. Of course many regular folk are also out depending on their circumstances and their tolerance for risk.

In his book Ties that Bind, author Guy Baldwin says that, "Secret lives make for secret suffering, and the time for secrets about who we are and what we enjoy is slowly ending." Today we live in a culture where there is increasing freedom to be who we are without fear. Generally speaking I believe that coming out is a good thing, in part because it makes a statement that we are not ashamed of our orientation. Keeping secrets can also create an atmosphere of fear that can poison our joy in BDSM. Coming out can most certainly put you in a vulnerable position financially and legally, but then you may be vulnerable in other ways by staying in the closet, so you will need to balance the risks carefully. Stacey adds that, "The thing to remember that if you come out about yourself to everyone (whether your D/s self is about your sexuality, your manner of relating to a single person, or your way of relating to the world), you may then be identified with that only and lose some opportunities to explore the other facets of yourself. You'll be 'the submissive nurse' rather than 'the nurse who can work a double shift and still hold the hand of someone who is dying.' Me? I just don't want that label, or any label, frankly."

This article will offer some suggestions to protect your identity and your privacy if you are involved in any unconventional sexual orientation. I have personally made a sustained effort over the last few years to protect my privacy. This is not because I have fears about my job, but rather because I have at times received e-mails or calls that were inappropriate, and even sometimes a bit on the creepy side. I realize that as a writer I am more of a target than your typical scene player, but we all have something to protect, even if it’s just our peace of mind.

The place to start is to think about how much you want to be known, and how much you feel that BDSM is integral to who you are as a person. If it’s just a hobby, it might not be relevant to any conversation other than those with your partner. But if you are more like me where much of your time and energy goes into the exploration of BDSM, you might want to be able to share this more freely with your friends and family. It’s never fun to have to hide something important to your sense of self. Once you have decided where you want to be on that out of the closet continuum, you can pick and choose the strategies that best fit your situation.

Tips & Strategies to Protect your Privacy

On the Internet
Don’t use an e-mail address from work which includes your name like Jsmith@GM.com, and make sure that you’ve set your options to hide your real name so it doesn’t come up in (parentheses) after your e-mail address. To test this, send yourself an e-mail and see how it looks. Don’t ever put your real name and contact information in the signature of your e-mail.

Use an internet provider who will absolutely hide your identity unless there are legal proceedings. I use AOL because there is no possibility that my e-mail address, SensuousSadie@aol.com, can be connected with my real life identity.

Don’t post anything anywhere on the internet that includes personal information such as your real name, address, social security number and so on. Also don’t refer to places or other details that can lead people to you such as my saying I live in the "Green Mountains." You may not know where that refers to, but it’s easy to look up.

To be completely safe, don’t send any full face photos to anyone over the internet. Internet pictures can be sent around the world in a matter of seconds, not to mention airbrushed easily t make you look quite different. If you don't believe me, check out this website: http://www.smlinks.com/sotw/why/  . I also recommend against having nude or compromising photos taken. One friend told me that when she was getting divorced her ex husband not only posted her nude photographs on his website, but he used them in court to discredit her. This was not only humiliating, but extremely stressful for her.

Coming Out to Friends
Before you come out to someone, send up trial balloons so you can find out how they feel about alternative lifestyles. For example, I might tell someone a sexually oriented joke. If they are offended, that’s a clear indication that they aren’t comfortable with sexual issues.

When you do come out to someone, be sure to emphasize the confidentiality issues. I once failed to do this to rather embarrassing results. My friend simply didn’t realize what a delicate and private issue this was.

Give your phone number and address only to very close friends. Either can be used in a reverse directory to find out your name and where you live.

Attending Events
Create a scene name and stick to it every single time you talk or interact with anyone in the scene. I know a number of people who switched names mid-stream and now everyone knows them as both names, which really acts as no pseudonym at all! "Sensuous Sadie" is of course not my real name, but only about ten people know my real life name. For those scene friends who cross over into my vanilla life, I encourage them to call me Sadie all the time. I just tell my vanilla friends that Sadie is my nickname. The key thing is that my scene friends don’t accidentally call me by my real name when at a scene event.

When attending a scene event, do not drive there in your own car which can easily be traced to you. Either go with a friend or park in a congested enough area that it would be difficult to pick out your car. Do not leave identifying information such as mail out on the seats.

Don’t leave your wallet or purse around where people can look inside at your identification.

Other Suggestions
If you rent rooms in your home, take steps to hide anything that is incriminating and make sure you get a background check on the person. One woman I know rented a room to a man who turned out to be a pedophile. He subsequently broke into her computer and contacted her friends in the scene. It’s difficult to hide something like BDSM, so don’t fool yourself that the renter "just hasn’t noticed."

Recognize and accept that you will be outed occasionally. I have been outed several times, and in fact I even accidentally outed someone else at a munch by mentioning where they worked. I was outed once on a listserv where a friend accidentally typed in my real, and very recognizable, name. Another time someone was able to locate my phone number despite the very few people who have it. These things happen, and the best thing you can do to prevent a crisis is to be as open as possible in as many situations as possible.

How to Test the Success of your Privacy Efforts
Search for both your real name and your scene name on Google and other search engines. If they appear anywhere together or with any identifying information, take steps to correct it.

Ask a techhead friend to do a search and see what they can find out about you. I had this done and I’m very pleased to say that he was not able to figure out who I am.

If your ability to tolerate risk is low, pay $50 or so to have a professional service investigate you. This is worthwhile information to have.

If you own or manage websites, make sure that your registration information is not available to the public through the company that reserves your website names. I made my first mistake in this area when I received e-mails using my real name delivered to my scene name address.

If you develop websites, check your HTML code for anything that includes the name of your computer, which is often your real name.

SPECIAL NOTE: If you have a detective’s spirit and would like to research me, I would appreciate any information you find. If you can identify my real name I will send you a signed copy of my book as a thank you. Do you have any other suggestions for protecting your privacy? Please send them to me at SensuousSadie@aol.com 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html . She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications