Thoughts on Seeing a Kink-Friendly Shrink

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Every few years I make an appointment to see a counselor. It's a tune up for the mind, just in time for when life needs an oil change. Over the last ten years I've seen three counselors with different levels of kink awareness. I thought I'd talk about these experiences as a way to offer the big picture to readers who might be thinking of doing the same thing.

Level 1: Kink Aware
The first counselor I saw was, oddly enough, working for Vermont Catholic Charities. Because of my concerns around the conservatism of Catholicism, I asked her if she was open minded regarding relationships, and she said she was. She wasn't kink-aware, although after working with me you could say that she became kink-aware. That is, I gave her a succession of articles and information so that she could understand my lifestyle better. I feel that it's very important for a counselor to be aware of the lifestyle because many of the things we do don't make a heck of a lot of sense in the vanilla context. Just as important as the information I gave her was my attitude; that I am doing something valid and credible in my private life. I believe that had I been ashamed of my orientation, she would have felt the same way, if only because she had nothing else to compare me to.

The most important thing this counselor did was that she didn't make BDSM "the problem." This is a common issue because many mental health professionals still think of BDSM as a mental illness. With an attitude like that, you aren't going to get much help with your real problems, regardless of whether your problems are related to the scene or not. Several friends have told me that their counselors told them that their alternative sexuality should be eradicated, not unlike many homosexuals who have found themselves facing a mental health professional who wants to fix them. Dorothy Haden, a BDSM author and psychotherapist says that, "Mental health professionals in the West criticize Chinese and Soviet therapists for pathologizing people who hold political beliefs that are not normative. Western clinicians, however, make a similar mistake when they pathologize people who have unconventional sexual predilections and interests." My feeling is that if you personally feel that your sexuality is a problem, then it's a problem worth discussing. But if you feel joyful and fulfilled, then no one should be telling you that it should be changed.

Level 2: Kink Friendly
The second counselor I have worked with came recommended from a friend in the scene. I immediately liked her because she had a spiritual orientation and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to ply her with educational articles. She had two other clients in the scene which was convenient, if a bit odd since I was friends with one of them. Still it was nice that my friend had pre-educated her for me. I discovered that there are levels of kink- awareness and she landed in the middle. She understood intellectually the business of BDSM, but she wasn't able to understand it on an emotional level. For example, during one meeting I told her about how I would have liked Griffin to be a life partner, but seeing as that wasn't going to happen, I was willing to accept the alternative arrangement he offered. I don't see that as "less" than, but simply a different flavor of relationship. But my counselor, having come from a traditional mindset regarding relationships, monogamy, and commitment, felt that if the relationship wasn't a life partner then I was pretty much just wasting my time with Griffin. I confronted her with this bias which was something of a challenge. She's human too and I don't expect her to be totally objective, but it can be difficult to confront your own counselor with their negative attitudes toward alternative lifestyles. Even with this, I would count her as kink-friendly and I feel that her work with me was very useful.

Level 3: Counselors who are in the Scene
The last counselor I saw was an acquaintance in the scene. Since I wasn't a close friend of hers, I asked her to work with me and she agreed. This was probably the most satisfying counselor relationship I've had because I never had to explain anything about BDSM. As a Submissive herself, she got it, and we were free to work through the very complex issues that arise in the dominant and submissive relationship. I would strongly recommend that anyone looking for a counselor try to find one in their own scene community. The only caveat is that you don't want to be working with a good friend, even if they are a psychotherapist. Nor will a professional agree to work with you either if you do know each other well.

Recommendations
I believe the best counseling experience will come from someone who is educated in what BDSM means, and even better if they are in the scene. If you are looking for a professional, then try asking a few friends. You might be surprised at how many of them see councelors of their own. You might also contact Kink Aware Professionals using the link below.





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REFERENCES
Kink Aware Professionals
The resource for people who are seeking psychotherapeutic, medical, dental, complementary healing, legal, financial, and computer professionals who are informed about the diversity of consensual, adult sexuality.
http://www.bannon.com/kap/

Read:  How to Find an SM -Positive (or Neutral)Therapist
From Consensual Sadomasochism by William A. Henkin Ph.D. and Sybil Holiday


SCENEprofiles Interview with Dorothy C. Hayden, CSW, Author & Psychotherapist

SCENEprofiles Interview with Guy Baldwin, Psychotherapist and Author

SCENEprofiles Interview with Gloria G. Brame, Author, Counselor, & Sex Expert



Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html . She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications