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Help
for Recovering from the Loss of a Partner – for those of you who have
extra sensitive hearts
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
For the last year and a half I haven't been active in the BDSM scene. I
have been writing, reading, and keeping my mind engaged, but I haven't
dated or played with anyone since Griffin left. I don't expect to even
begin the process of re-entry for another six months or so, which will
make it a full two years of grieving.
You may think that this is a freaking long time to grieve for anyone,
and you'd be right. I am fully aware that many people start dating again
far sooner and heaven knows my friends have been encouraging me to move
on for well over a year now. Sadly, I've pretty much stopped talking
about it because they simply cannot conceive of a grief process that
takes as long as mine has. They say things like "You're STILL
thinking about him?" I get the message.
Part of this is that people think that I am a pretty tough babe. They
figure since I regularly spill my guts onto this page, I must have
pretty big cojones. I may have balls the size of summer melons, but in
fact I am unusually sensitive in the realm of the heart. It also took me
about two years to recover fully from the relationship I had before
Griffin – so I can't exactly say I'm surprised at how long it's taken
this time 'round.
Let me also say that I'm not talking about grieving for a play partner
or fuck buddy – I'm talking about losing someone who not only was your
Dominant or Submissive, but whom you love deeply. In my last
relationship, Griffin was my Dominant, but in the prior relationship
with Moby, the roles were reversed and he was my Submissive. People
often assume that Submissives are more vulnerable to trauma because they
are often more dependant. However, Dominants are also interdependent in
ways that are more transparent, and they have hearts that can be broken
just as deeply.
This article is for the sensitive souls
This article is not for those of you who say goodbye and get on with
your life with some sadness, but in what most consider a more reasonable
amount of time. This is for those of you who, like me, feel things
terribly deeply, maybe too deeply. I wish sometimes that I could be a
bit more shallow and just move on darn it – but then I can't help but
wonder how that might have compromised the depth of the relationship I
had in the first place. After all, is not the depth of the grief you
feel commensurate with the love you had in the first place?
This article then is my story of how I got through the last year and a
half, and I tell it to you in hopes that perhaps it will help someone
else out there who is wondering how they will get through their grief.
So What Happened Exactly?
First, the short version – if there ever really is one – on what
happened. I won't bore you with the details of why I was unable to
continue in a relationship with Griffin or Moby. Suffice it to say that
both of them had to deal with extremely serious and profoundly personal
issues. I did not know at the time what those issues were and I have
never seen either of them again. I have however, recently gotten in
touch with Moby after five years and he finally explained what happened
to him. It turns out that when he was with me he was struggling with the
realization that he wanted to have gender reassignment surgery. This was
such an agonizing process that he succumbed to acute depression and
more. Under the extreme duress of his crisis, I chose to leave in order
to protect my emotional and physical safety. While this is most certainly
not the reason for Griffin's similar sudden exit, I imagine that someday
he too will tell me something equally astounding.
Why is this any different than any vanilla relationship breaking up?
As you can imagine, there are two schools of thought on this which I
have delineated well in my article BDSM Relationships: Vanilla with a
Dash of Kink, or a Whole Different Animal? The short version is that
I believe that the experiences I have had as a Submissive with Griffin
were far deeper and more intimate than anything I have experienced –
or could experience – with a vanilla partner, and contributed to the
extent of my own trauma when he was unable to continue with me. Although
we may share love and faith with another person in a vanilla
relationship, nowhere are we asked to submit in the ways we are asked to
do so with a Dominant. When I turned myself over to Griffin, I did so at
a level I never experienced before. To have that ripped away can be
nothing if not shocking.
I also discovered when were doing chastity training that when we went
too far, I experienced significant emotional distress. It was an
experience of helplessness that is not one that I would normally
experience in day to day vanilla life. Those kinds of experiences may
occasionally slip into one's daily life, but broadly speaking they live
only in the realm of BDSM and other alternate approaches.
As I've mentioned, in my prior relationship with Moby I was the
Dominant, so you might wonder why I was so upset when that relationship
ended as well. After all, I was not experiencing any of the
vulnerability that I just described. I do want to say that I believe
that although I was deeply distressed by losing Moby, my recovery was
somewhat shorter than it has been with Griffin. This may or may not have
to do with the fact that I was more in control of the choice to leave,
even though you could argue that mentally speaking Moby had left long
before. In any case, that there was a deep emotional link between us,
one of Mistress and Submissive that connected us on a soul level. When
that was broken, it tore me asunder and him too I am sure. It was not
just a matter of him not loving me, as I knew he did still love me. It
was more. Perhaps it is that ultimate responsibility that the Dominant
has for care of her Submissive. Although I could not get him to tell me
what was wrong, it was very clear something was, and I was not able to
help him in any way. In fact, I eventually had to abandon him in order
to protect myself. Talk about failing as a Dominant! I admit I haven't
gotten it all sorted out in terms of how being Dominant or Submissive
differs in terms of experiencing the end of a relationship.
Yes, do as Ann Landers always suggested – and see a shrink!
Yup, I admit it – I'm seeing a counselor. I knew that I had been
deeply affected by losing my partners and I knew I needed help. I made
sure that I found a kink-friendly shrink (see article link below on this
topic) and I'm still seeing him. PS if you are depressed, consider
medication. Don't let yourself get too deep into a cycle of depression
– it just makes it harder to get out of.
Don't rush yourself
One of the most painful things I've had to face along the way is that my
friends want me to be done grieving so much that they sometimes push me
to start dating or go to parties when I'm not ready. I know it's hard
for them to see me so sad and withdrawn. Over and over I've had to tell
myself that it's okay to take as long as I want to – even if it's two
years or more – to recover from this experience.
Wear the grief armband
Sometimes I've wished that I could just wear some kind of black armband
that would indicate that I'm in mourning and would everyone just please
stop trying to cheer me up! Instead I sat down with everyone who
expected things from me – like my boss – and told them what had
happened and that I was not going to be at my peak performance for a
while. I told them what I needed which was to be left alone in quiet to
heal at my own very slow pace. I usually have to remind them of this
every few months.
Keep your finger in the BDSM pie
I know I'm not ready to date or attend events, so I've kept in touch
with BDSM stuff in other ways. I invite my kinky friends over for lunch,
continue to write columns, and even take pictures of kinky Barbie! Laugh
if you must, but all of it keeps your interest alive in your mind and
heart. I guess you could say that I'm living vicariously through
Submissive Barbie, and that's okay by me. Recently I've also started
collecting BDSM themed pulp novels from the 1950's. It sure does keep me
in the mood.
Express your anger and grief
Find a way to express your sadness and grief in a way that puts it
out into the universe to disperse. One way I do that is by writing about
it, but you might do it by working out or painting or working at a soup
kitchen. Whatever works for you – keep doing it.
Projects help a lot
I'm very project oriented so I admit this may be more helpful to those
of you who are of the same ilk. I've found that when I have something to
look forward to, I'm less likely to fall into sadness. If you ever
wondered how on earth I keep that enormous website going and constantly
updated, think of it as grief therapy!
That said, cry as much and as long as you need to
For the first four months I cried every single day, sometimes
several times a day. I went to work, came home and cried and fell
asleep. It was no fun at all. I ate spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner
every single night for four months because I couldn't cope with even
thinking about anything else. Every project I worked on became
hopelessly behind. The house looked like hell. And still I cried.
Finally, one weekend I actually had a day when I didn't cry and I
actually enjoyed myself. Then it was a few days. Then a week. And so on.
Sometimes it comes back and you have to grieve deeply for a while again.
It just really sucks and there's nothing anyone can really do to make it
go away. You just have to allow yourself to go through it – straight
through it. That said, if you think your emotions are out of control, do
consider getting help of some kind. It's a fine line.
Do all of the usual vanilla things
Eat right, exercise, and get plenty of sleep. Stay in touch with your
family and friends; you know the drill.
For the next time – remember just how sensitive you really are!
Next time you are dating or considering a relationship, remember how
deeply your heart can be hurt and how sensitive you are. Dip your toe
slowly, ever so slowly into the relationship waters because you are not
a person who can just dive in and climb out without a scratch. I always
like to think of myself as being strong and resilient, but the fact is
that I'm just plain plumb not. For me, and for BDSM souls like me, you
gotta go really slow so that you know for sure you're with someone who
is safe, both emotionally and physically.
If you are currently experiencing grief over a failed relationship,
please do write me and I'll send you my prayers. If you are of like
mind, remember to ask your friends to pray for you as well.
~ Sadie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts on Seeing a Kink-Friendly Shrink
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/practicum/kinkfriendlyshrink.htm
BDSM Relationships: Vanilla with a Dash of Kink, or a Whole Different
Animal?
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/community/bdsmrelationshipsvsvanilla.htm
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications
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