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Gossip,
Rumor, Innuendo and Tattletales; How to keep your Nose Clean when
posting to the Internet
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
We've all read it on this e-mail or that discussion list, this chatroom
or that blog. Some personal comment about someone we know, a comment
they most definitely wouldn't want shared on the internet for everyone
and their uncle to see. Maybe a home address, a real name, a workplace,
or a photo posted without permission. I myself was outed early on when a
friend used my real name on a local discussion group. It was very
upsetting, and there wasn't a darn thing to do but pray that no one was
paying close attention. I was lucky that time, but I have friends who
haven't been so lucky. An acquaintance of mine lost his job when his
BDSM orientation got tossed out of the closet by a disgruntled former
friend.
Do you hear a lecture coming on? Don't worry – I know you've heard the
privacy and confidentiality speech plenty of times. What I'd like to
talk about instead are the gray areas of internet communications where
people out each other accidentally, as well as some tools and techniques
to work around that. Even if you weren't stupid enough to out someone by
mentioning something as personal as their phone number, it's easy to
make a mistake like sending out a thank you note for a great party that
includes specifics about attendees. Awhile back this very thing
happened here in Vermont, sent by a well-meaning novice. Of course he
was just trying to say thank you, and in the process ended up telling
the 350 people on the discussion group who hadn't been to the party lots
of details about the 35 people who had.
It Ain't Private!
No matter how private your e-mail or instant message to a friend may
feel – they aren't! Nor are discussion lists, chats, websites, or
blogs. All of these are available to anyone on the planet through
various venues.
What does this have to do with you?
You may think that the only people that should be worrying about the
ethical issues of writing about people on the internet is writers like
me, but individuals have the same stake in their reputation as anyone
else. This is because your reputation is not just about you, it reflects
on your partner or spouse and your children, as well as your career and
financial situation. How you act in the BDSM scene can have very real
consequences on your vanilla life.
What does this have to do with the person you're writing about?
What you write in public about someone doesn't just affect your
reputation, it affects the reputation of the person you're writing
about. If they are a known personality such as a group leader or writer,
you could be committing slander if you make damaging statements. If they
are not well-known, you are creating a reputation for them that could
damage their lives in ways that you could not imagine such as their
losing their job or losing custody of their children. One woman I know
had to face naked photos of herself on the internet when her former
husband posted them out of spite during their divorce proceedings.
On the other hand, I also discovered that my writing about Griffin built
him a reputation in the scene that he did not have previously. In other
words, being written about can also create a positive reputation.
How to protect yourself and the people you write about
Anytime you want to write in a public place anything about anyone else,
you should get their permission first. That means actually sending them
a draft of what you plan to post and getting them to e-mail you back
that what you wrote is acceptable. I realize this sounds tedious, but I
have gotten into trouble for less. The written word does not include the
natural inflections of spoken speech so your writing may not sound to
others as it does in your own head. Be careful about what you post!
How to use Pseudonyms and Scene Names
When you are referring to people in the scene in an e-mail or
posting, there are a number of ways to talk about them. Here are some of
the strategies I use to protect the innocent, and sometimes the guilty.
Publicly Known Writers, Leaders & Activists: There are
members of the community such as Gloria Brame or John Warren who use
their own real legal names. Because they are publicly known
personalities in the sense that their names are published on books and
so on, it's perfectly acceptable to use their real names when referring
to them. Just be sure not to slander them when you write about them;
they have more to protect than your average Jane or Joe.
Scene Names: When referring to someone in your BDSM community,
it's usually safe to use their scene name, as the scene name is already
created to protect their real legal name. However, if you are saying
anything that may be considered damaging, you should confirm it with
them first.
That said, be sure to double check scene names if you haven't spoken to
someone for a while. For example, back when I was publishing a weekly
newsletter I included a quote from a local person by the scene name I
knew her by. In the meantime she had changed her scene name to something
else and accused me of outing her. Clearly this was a misunderstanding
that would have been avoided had I double checked with her before
publication.
Many people in the scene don't use a scene name so you'll need to be
extra careful with those kind of names even if they are common names
like Mark or Susan.
Pseudonyms: A pseudonym is NOT the same thing as a scene name. A
pseudonym is designed to hide the identity of a real person in a written
piece. For example, my former Dominant's pseudonym was Griffin, the name
I called him in my columns. I didn't actually call him that in real life
nor did anyone else because that would have given up the gig. It was
used purely to protect his privacy in my writing.
Alternate Pseudonyms & other Identifiers
It's also a good idea to have an alternate pseudonym. For example,
if I wanted to describe something that Griffin did without letting on
that it was about him, I'd use the alternate pseudonym as well as change
the gender and D/s orientation. So instead of saying "My Dominant
Griffin was a big poophead," I might say instead: "My friend
Kariana, a Submissive, was a big poophead." This technique is very
effective hiding people's identity because readers rarely consider that
gender and orientation might also be utilized as part of the privacy
protection process. You can also change the location, time, or other
attributes of what you are writing about so as to effectively make it
not recognizable.
What you want to think about is the "identifiers" that make a
person recognizable. These might include their real or nickname, town of
residence, unusual physical characteristics, job or family details, or
information about their children. With the internet being what it is
these days, it's easy to accidentally out someone just by telling a
story about them.
What
to do if you're no longer in contact with the person you're writing
about
I referred above in jest to Griffin as a poophead, but in fact, I
haven't spoken to Griffin for over a year. While he used to have
editorial control over all my columns that mentioned him, that's
obviously no longer possible as he has disappeared from the BDSM scene.
So what's an ethical writer to do? This can be a challenging problem,
particularly if you write about your relationships as I do, or even if
you're just blogging about what's happening in your day. Griffin the man
may be gone, but his effect on my life still lingers. What I have chosen
to do is to call on my inner ethical self and do my best to write
honestly about my feelings about him. Although it is also true that I
have always done that, I now do it rather obsessively because I have to
be the editor on his behalf. Toward this end I also try to stick to
positive comments (poopheads notwithstanding). Of course he probably
still reads my columns, and particularly the ones about him, so I figure
he'll probably tell me if I write something egregious.
~~
I hope that these tips have given you some food for thought next time
you're thinking of trashing someone in some discussion group or
chatroom. It may seem like fun, but even if it never hurts that person,
it sure will hurt how your community sees you. As someone who has a
rather biting writing style herself on posts to the local groups, I can
say with all due caution that what I've considered a direct and
forthright approach in posting has often not been appreciated. Because
of this I've tried to soften my posting style in the last year or so,
and I hope that my occasional bad posting behavior will act as a warning
to all of you who occasionally lash out under cover of e-mail as well.
In diplomacy and with what tact I can muster, I remain,
~ Sensuous Sadie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read
my other column about gossip: A Wicked Witch offered me a Poisoned
Apple, and I took a Bite
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html
. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications
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