Misnomers, Little White Lies and Big Honkin' Whoppers of the BDSM Scene
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 


If you're doing it, it's real.
~ Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt


One of the unfortunate things about the BDSM scene is that novices often feel vulnerable and scared. As a result, they may believe all kinds of crazy things that their common sense might otherwise tell them is horseshit. It is my pleasure therefore to expose these fallacies to the light of common sense.

You’re a BDSM beginner or virgin until you’ve done at least 10 public scenes
Play publicly if you want to, or don't if you don't want to. Don't let anyone pressure you into proving yourself. And just so you know I'm not immune to the pressure, I recently agreed to attend a play party just to shut up the naysayers who call me a weenie because I don't play in public. My friend Susan pointed out that this was just about the stupidest reasoning she'd ever heard. She was right. Oh, and by the way if this big honkin' whopper were true, then I'd still be a "BDSM Virgin."


A Submissive should be submissive all the time
A Dominant tells you to get him some buffalo wings or pay for dinner or bend over the table and insists that if you were really submissive, you'd do it. The answer is the well known and not often enough used: "I may be a Submissive but I'm not your Submissive." Until you make a conscious and considered decision about committing to this person, your body, mind, and spirit are your own. Doesn't matter if you're talking about a commitment for the evening or a commitment for life. This advice goes for Dominants too. If a Submissive tries to pressure you into dominating them, feel free to say "I may be a Dominant but I'm not your Dominant."

The corollary to this is: Submissives should dedicate their lives to being helpful and service oriented to others. Bah I say! I myself dedicate my life to a number of things, none of which include being helpful or service oriented.


Your sexual and BDSM preferences should be public knowledge
Dominants who ask you whether you like anal sex on your first date have subscribed to this little white lie. So are websites like alt.com that ask you to fill out checklists with everything from enemas to vaginal piercings. If you want to share that information, fine. But remember, your intimate life is just that, intimate. No need to share that with every wacky willy on the web or across the dinner table.


Masters & Slaves are inherently more dedicated, serious, and committed than Dominants & Submissives or Tops & Bottoms
What a load of hogwash. Anyone who tries to invalidate your choice of living BDSM how you want to is insecure and trying make you feel that way too. The subset of this is: online BDSM relationships aren't "real." My message to you is that your choice of lifestyle is valid if you are getting something from it. If you need a snappy answer to a stupid comment, feel free to say: "How I conduct my private life is no one's business but my own. Butt out or Sadie said she'd kick your butt." As a repressed minority we should be open minded to all approaches, but sadly many are scared and judgmental. Don't be taken in by people who need to make themselves better than you by putting you down.


If we keep this kinky event a secret, no one will be hurt
The deal is – secrets always get out, and people do get hurt, not because they weren't invited but because the event was kept a secret. This is a prime example of creating drama under the guise of protecting the people's privacy.

Quite often play party invitations include the disclaimer that guests shouldn't tell anyone they've been invited, as if we were all adolescents and just couldn't cope with not being invited. An example of this happened to me a few years ago. A close friend hosted a play party and didn't invite me because he felt I wasn't compatible with his other friends. Had he told me, I would have agreed heartily (I didn't like them much either) and not attended. But he kept it a secret. I found out of course and was very hurt, not that he didn't invite me, but that he couldn't trust me enough to tell me.

I host kinky events on a regular basis and I include this notation in every invitation: "I find it ridiculous that events are kept secret from anyone except those invited, particularly because the 'secret' always gets out anyhow. I will not play those kind of silly games. Clearly I hope you will keep anything you hear confidential, but the evening is not a secret." Of course I'm not suggesting that a play party be advertised on the internet, because you wouldn't want strangers showing up at your house, only that we act like grown ups about the whole thing.


BDSM is about bondage and corporal punishment
Stacey calls this focus: "rack em and whack em," adding that she's quite often told that "those who engage in non-pain play, age play, domestic discipline, pure service, and humiliation simply aren't doing it right." You can observe this single-mindedness when attending events where bondage and flogging are common occurrences, but the more subtle venues are ignored. You may have to push a little bit to get your community to appreciate your interests, but I hope you keep at it.


You have to be in the scene for ___ years before you are taken seriously
Being involved in groups, events, play parties and so on is a great thing, but it's not necessary to have "Scene Cred." I have one friend who never attended any events, but has practiced as a Dominant for 15 years, and another friend who's extremely active in the community but doesn't know a flogger from a singletail. If someone doesn't take you seriously it's their problem, not yours. Oh and by the way, I've been told that I don't have a right to be a BDSM author because I haven't been in the scene twenty years. You can just imagine my response to that idjit. He got so mad he turned bright red and steam blew out of his ears, a vision which I recall with great fondness. The bottom line is that you don't have to prove yourself one way or another, just do your thing and ignore the spoilsports.


BDSM Play is safer in public, so novices are better off at public play parties
Sure that's true if your Dominant du jour is secretly an ax murderer. Then he's far less likely to chop you up and toss your body parts in the lake. Dominants who play in public are more likely to be competent with the tools of the trade because they don't want to embarrass themselves (presumably), so physically you are safer. Unfortunately, emotional and spiritual safety are a different ballgame. I haven't heard a lot of complaints because of missed flogger strokes. What hurts people is the emotional side of BDSM and that's not something that being in public can change. Paddle marks heal in a few weeks, but emotional ones can take years - whether they were received in public or in private.


BDSM always includes sex, or at least a really good blow job
This one is courtesy of my friend Stacey who says: "Sex, orgasms, arousal can all be part of a great intimate D/s relationship − but doesn't have to be − depending on the needs and desires of the partners. But when i see a 'dominant' try to convince a sub that it's 'part of her subly duties,' then i just laugh, wondering if the only way they can get a woman to give it up for them is to order her to do so." Needless to say, it's usually novice male dominants who try to pull this one on a submissive. Common sense on this topic tells us to do BDSM with sex if you want to and sans sex if you don't. Either way it's a hell of a ride!


Some Submissives and Slaves have no Limits
It's common and understandable that novices might believe this of themselves, after all many are basing their BDSM knowledge on fiction. But when you hear an experienced player come out with silly statements like this, you can only wonder if they'd agree to abusing children, having a limb amputated, or recruiting other Submissives for non-consensual play. Sure, the Submissive you ask will reply, "But my Dominant would never do that!" to which I can only say that even serial killers have people that love them. Everyone has limits, and that's just life.


Sensuous Sadie is the most brilliant BDSM writer on the Planet
Oh wait… this one is true!



Note: I included the quote on top by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt because their message says it all: that no matter how you play and what venues you choose, your approach is valid simply because you are doing it. There is no "right" way to live BDSM or anything else.


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***Thank you to Stacey for her always entertaining and helpful input to my writing.

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications