One of the interesting patterns in my life is that the ideals to which I’ve made formal commitments often didn’t amount to much, while many things I chose on an organic basis became lifelong commitments. For example, the last time I made a formal commitment to my Submissive, our relationship ended a year later. His choice? My choice? It doesn’t matter, only that it happened. Then again fifteen years ago I started working out. I liked how the feeling of physical strength transformed to spiritual groundedness. I hadn’t made any commitments to anyone, much less my aerobics teacher, but fifteen years later this is one of the foundations of my life. It was an organic commitment, chosen day-by-day until it became an inextricable part of my life.

So when I started thinking about making a commitment to a training collar, I felt pretty indecisive. Such a commitment is daunting. A year long. On the good side, Dex is dependable, kind, and very knowledgeable. The family at House Mermaid is tight knit and supportive. They say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so I have a pretty good idea of what I could have expected.

What has been a challenge is the distance and logistics. Two and a half hours away may not seem far, but far enough to mean no dropping by for a cuppa or a quick spanky. Far enough that with little other interaction besides those one or two weekends a month, I might be tempted to wander into other territories.

On the heart side, there is my lack of connection, of resonance with what I have experienced. I don’t know why this is, but it’s probably that a formal BDSM lifestyle is simply not a good fit for me. I didn’t really expect to feel moved at the deepest level because I knew Dex’s style was very different than mine. I had hoped to feel more than I did. Surely, to make such a commitment there should be something more than interested speculation?

I am a passionate person. Passionate about my “platform” as Dex puts it. Passionate about experiencing D/s with every bit of my body, mind, and soul. But I haven’t the passion for this; this Master, this house, this experience. I worry that someone at House Mermaid might take this personally, but it is no criticism. In fact, I have only respect and admiration for everything I have seen there.

There were many experiences at House Mermaid I found memorable. The thing that touched me the deepest was the feeling of ownership. It was fleeting, noticed at obscure times between odd moments. A shadow passing over me like a passing ghost, hard to grasp and forge into sentences. Perhaps it will grow longer, just as the day stretches into evening, and I will discover the true meaning of commitment to one Master.

While it was sometimes challenging to have to defend my beliefs as well as to understand Dex’s philosophy, I was energized by our debates about different aspects of the lifestyle. Rarely do I have the opportunity to observe and deliberate without anyone taking it personally. This experience has changed my own practice in subtle ways. There were parts of the protocol which brought a certain sense of stability and security. I loved the feeling of being cared for and part of a committed relationship. There is a safety there which gave me space to explore in other ways, and I’ll miss that.

It’s hard to separate Dex from his BDSM style, and I wonder how different this experience might have been with a different Dominant. I probably will not know until I have something for comparison, and which might be years from now. For the moment, I feel satisfied with what I learned, and blessed to have been taken into their lives in such good faith.

The writing experience has been different for me as well. While I have often written about people in my life, those actual people were often obscured in the story. With this series on House Mermaid, the house members read my writing as it emerged, and Dex was fully engaged with my writing, and in fact had limited editorial control. I wonder if there is a fundamental conflict of interest between the writer as writer and the writer as Submissive. There is an awareness of balancing my writing muse and my Submissive muse, both of which are equally strong. My question is not in which is more important, but whether one can ever be totally conscious of an experience when it is immediately poured into a “story truth.” Something like the difference between being in subspace, and writing about it. One is experiential, one is analytical. Words can only approximate the experience.

I’ve read that in certain scientific examinations, particles appear to be waves or particles depending on what equipment you use to examine them, something which would seem to be mutually exclusive. Could my observation of the experience, and of my writing have affected what was occurring? There is no way to know, and in this case one could not have existed without the other.

Regardless of the “reality” of the experience, for the first time in two years, I feel ready to love again. It may be coincidence, but then not believing in coincidence, I wonder what my experience at House Mermaid contributed to this loosening of the steel band which was so tightly bound to my heart. I can feel my next partner moving toward me on the spiritual plane. Instead of imaging a list of traits, this time I sense someone who is a vibrational match for me. Someone with whom I can explore both the world and the BDSM world, hand in hand. Perhaps it will become clear as I move into my next relationship, perhaps this time through an organic commitment begun with small things, and growing to take both of us into each other’s lives, inextricably.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications