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Online Gossip Gone Wild, Bong Hits for
Jesus, and other Anomalies: What Really Matters in the BDSM Community
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
I have a few friends in the community who have been telling me about
their adventures in the CollarMe.com world. For those of you unfamiliar
with this website, it’s a BDSM personals website similar to Alt.com but
somewhat smaller and more intimate. They go on about who’s changed their
profile from sub to dom or vice versa, who’s watching whose profile,
who’s online the most often and when, who’s newly collared or
uncollared, and so on. Apparently there are also goings on with people
setting up fake profiles and writing other people’s partners. Of course,
since I have a profile as well, my friend pointed out that I’d been on
so and so many times recently. I replied that yes of course I had been
as I’m dating, but why on earth would he bring such a thing up? I felt
like I was conversing with a twelve year old.
It’s easy to dismiss all this blather as the ravings of people who don’t
have a life, but to tell you the truth, these people actually do have
lives. They have careers, mortgages, children and all the usual stuff
that makes their lives as real as mine our yours. But somehow, they’ve
gotten so caught up in the pseudo-world of online dating that somehow
they’ve forgotten that all of that has nothing to do, really, with
anything. Don’t get me wrong. I like CollarMe. I use it as a convenient
tool to meet Dominants and it’s been an effective one for that, but
that’s the end of it, and I’m not sure why my friends have gotten so
engaged with this world other than a pleasure in drama.
Around this same time I read Mistress Ren’s article titled We All
Need to Grow the F*%k Up where she commented that she’d had a
similar experience with people in the chat rooms debating endlessly
about "the ‘true’ definition of a ‘real’ slave" This
foolishness is in the same realm as the CollarMe discussions because
this is a subjective discussion that can and does go on indefinitely. It
does that because it’s a topic that each person can decide this
themselves, so really, why debate it at all? Not on my to do list. It
all got me to thinking about what is real and what is not real. These
kinds of discussions are not real; they’re just cotton candy for the
mind. What is real then? Well, let’s start with a few examples in
the BDSM realm, and then I’ll move into the vanilla world.
Real was that scary moment many years ago when I returned from the
kitchen to my Submissive, Haden, who was laying on the couch, and he sat
up suddenly as if he was afraid of me. He had been in a deep depression
for some time, and apparently he imagined I was going to attack him with
a knife. It was not long after that I sat on the front lawn, holding my
knees tightly to my chest even as the movers drew up the driveway, and
watched Haden drive off to his job, tears streaking his face as he
looked at me through the driver’s side window. I never saw him again,
but that look on his face, the pain in his eyes that reached through the
glass, across the yard and right into my heart will stay with me always.
Real is when my friend Sylvia and I were taking pictures of Sir Mikhael
who was using his "tiny little sticks" on my friend Rob. It started out
as a photo session for a magazine layout, and moved slowly into an
intense and intimate play session. The room darkened and I could see
something spark between them as Rob writhed on the table and Sir Mikhael
paced his movement alongside. Sylvia and I became very quiet and the
photography slowed to a stop as we just watched, touched by what we were
honored to observe. So often I see scenes enacted just as another
project, but Sir Mikhael’s spiritual energy blessed not just Rob, but
all of us. Afterward we all brought Rob down together and hugged each
other for being present in that scene together.
Now here’s a real story from the vanilla world. A dear friend of mine
recently was diagnosed with a lump in her breast. Being in my early
forties, I recall watching the television show Thirty Something,
when one of the characters also got into this situation. Her reaction
was to go away, leave her friends, and suffer alone as she died. I
always thought that this was selfish and self serving because the people
who loved her were left to go through their grief alone, not to mention
were not given the chance to help her. My friend dealt with the
situation much differently. She shared this most intimate and difficult
situation with a large network of friends and acquaintances, and all of
us got together to support her through the six months of treatment that
she endured. We gave her little gifts and helped her in whatever way we
were best at. I personally bought some breast shaped molds and made her
chocolate boobies which she got a big laugh out of. Most everyone else
bought her "inspirational" books although she so much preferred humor at
this difficult time in her life. This is an example of a very courageous
woman, not because she got through the treatment successfully, but
because she shared her fear and asked for help. That’s the courageous
part, and that’s real life. And by the way, she’s all better for the
moment.
There are also some things that look entirely idiotic, but then might be
something else when you look closer. I was reading about a recent case
that was brought to the United States Supreme Court which had to do with
a student holding a banner that said "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" during a
demonstration for free speech outside an Alaska high school. There are a
lot of complex issues around this of course, but on the surface you
can’t help but think how ridiculous it is that the Bong Hits 4 Jesus
case went all the way to the Supreme Court! But then, after I read the
entire, and quite long, article in Education Week (March 28,
2007) I realized that it wasn’t so much about the banner itself, but
about our inalienable right to free speech, and that my friends, is very
very important. And very real.
So that’s my thoughts on what’s not real, and what’s real. If you want
to spend your time debating who’s doing what online, feel free. But
please don’t mistake that for what really matters in this, our only life
on this world. What counts is the things that have to do with caring for
each other when times are hard, and seeing when something special
touches your world. Maybe it’s something different for you, but I bet
it’s not observing when someone else changes their profile on some
online dating service. Whatever it is, even if it’s holding up a banner
with something on it that’s aggravating to the people in power, I hope
you’ll pay attention to the things that really matter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Education Week Article – March 28, 2007
Justices Differ Sharply on Student Speech; Alaska case could result
in more control for administrators. By Andrew Trotter
http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2007/03/28/29speech.h26.html
Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through
BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Read an excerpt
and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose
& Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and
complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her
at SensuousSadie@aol.com or
visit her website at
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is
abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance,
so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2009 Sadie Sez Publications
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