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Go ahead and fuck my ass, but don't even think about touching my pussy; Hypocrisy in the world of sex and intimacy By Sensuous Sadie Listen to the Podcast of this column When I lost my virginity at 15, I started keeping a list of my lovers. It's not that there were so many, but rather that I have a thing for documentation. My friends and I rated our encounters on a five-point scale; something like looks, kissing, sex appeal, quality of "the act" and something else which escapes me. Things didn't get complicated until I started mucking about in the BDSM world, where a good scene wasn't predicated on "the act." So, I started keeping two lists: one for the lucky ones I'd slept with in the traditional fashion, and one for the ones who I did something "else" with. Seems only fair to me, after all, I don't want to invalidate my fetish experiences just because they didn't include traditional penis-to-vagina action. Gays and lesbians must have faced this same dilemma long before BDSM became mainstreamed but of course my friends and I weren't thinking about them when we developed our five-point system. It turns out that not only was my documentation fetish a bit peculiar, but my whole attitude about encounters of both the fucking and non-fucking variety being valid was peculiar as well. More often than not, both in the scene and out, body parts are compartmentalized as to whether or not they count as sex or intimacy. Consider these few examples. There's John who, on our very first phone call, launched into the details of the women he's tied up. He didn't think of his activities with them as something a potential date might feel uncomfortable hearing about. There's Tanya who will go on dates with Dominants and "just play" meaning she'll let them spank her and whatnot, as if A. that didn't lead to sex as often as not, and B. someone touching you on your naked ass − just inches away from your clitoris − wasn't pretty darn sexual. (I won't even go into the so-called "sweet spot" which is said can induce orgasm if spanked just so) There's the Mexican girls who will do anal sex but not vaginal sex because being fucked in the ass doesn't violate their virginity; and there's American teenagers who will provide blow jobs and cunnelingus but not actual intercourse because those "aren't real sex." Last but not least, there's former President Clinton who "did not have sex with that woman" even though of course he did accept numerous blow jobs from her. Well, if the President of the United States says it wasn't sex, then it must not have been sex! I can understand why people separate out intercourse because after all, intercourse can lead to the most serious result of all: children. Not to mention sexually transmitted diseases and some other nasty things. This all explains why adolescents will so often do all the other stuff except the big I. A little pussy licking requires less risk and less commitment, emotionally speaking. On the other hand, with condoms and the birth control pill, it's a little hard to see how vaginal sex is any more serious than anal sex. In the end, it seems that somehow, compartmentalizing our body and our experiences allows us to deny intimacy. Maybe it helps us cope with sexual feelings, or maybe it just helps us stay in denial. Compartmentalizing isn't relegated to the physical side of things, which can be risky enough. Physical intimacy, even if it's just a little spanking, can affect a person just as deeply as fucking them. Things get even more mushy when we extend that compartmentalizing to the emotional side of things, and I'm a great example of that. Many years ago when I was in the foolish fever pitch of love with my Submissive, Moby, I agreed to move with him to Massachusetts where he'd gotten a new job. I remember thinking as I was packing one box after another, "Well, if things don't work out, I'll just move back." That's called denial at its finest. I didn't want to consider the very real consequences of my actions: I lost my apartment, I lost over $2,000, and I lost my joie de vivre for well over a year. That's not just a little blip and my life continues on as before. I know the truth now, which is that I have a very tender heart and that I'm the only one around to protect it. I think being in denial allows us to blunder into things and not protect ourselves. You may not have a tender heart, but you can just as easily be raped as many of my submissive friends have, or hurt in some other emotional way. People do get hurt even when they do "just" a little bondage, a little spanking, a little ass fuck, or a little blow job. The funny thing is that although my radical mother never told me to keep my legs closed, I think maybe it would have been a good thing if she'd told me that playing fast and loose with my body, and my heart can be pretty devastating. My friend Robin told me once that every time she had a one-night stand, she gave away a piece of herself. Is that true? It is when I play or suck or sleep under something other than total acceptance and understanding of what I'm doing. I don't believe the body is so sacred that anything other than sex in the sanctity of love is damaging, but I also think that we often don't recognize the damage that unconscious denial can do. The only thing to do other than to recognize the power of human-to-human connection is to see how intimacy happens when we make love, as well as when he puts his hand on my heart and whispers "goodbye." There wasn't a lot of human-to-human connection in our adolescent ratings of our boyfriend's virility, but I think even so, maybe we did get the idea that every part of our experience of them was important: looks, kissing, sex appeal, quality of "the act" and something else which escapes me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the
Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt
at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
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