Gift from Al at Supreme Structures http://www.supreme-structures.com/

Coping with "Novice Fatigue"
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 


Many years ago when I was diddling around with my first Dominant, we fantasized about writing a book on dominance and submission. This was circa 1985, a time when my newly minted Macintosh was a wee bebe, and the internet just a glint in that her eye. A recent internet search turned up just about five books on bondage prior to 1985, three of which were gay and lesbian oriented and the other two which might be called "odd lots." The panoply of pansexual oriented books that we have now wouldn't be published for another decade. Me and my Dom thought we knew a lot, and maybe we did, or maybe not. Kind of hard to tell. Maybe I should dig those notes up and see what on earth we were planning to write.

Fast forward to 2005 when my website alone has nearly 600 pages of information on BDSM. Multiply that times a thousand or more and you have the current total product on alternate lifestyles now available to anyone with an internet connection. And heck, even if you didn't have one, even Waldenbooks has a pretty generous selection of books on alternate sexuality these days, and my editor Gary Switch reminds me that the quality of what you'll be learning is a heck of a lot better if you stick with "old fashioned" books anyhow.

Fast forward again to week night when I responded to yet another novice writing me for information on everything from where do I start to what do I buy to how do I find a partner? I have a policy of responding to all inquires because it's my way of giving back to the community. So I sent him some information and forwarded his request to the local group leader. He wrote back, not thanking me, but with more questions, along with a few backhanded insults such as not wanting to attend any parties with old people in the buff – that is, people in their forties. I admonished him, being as I'm in my forties, and I think I'm pretty darn hot, although perhaps not quite as hot as a babe in her 20's which is what his wife is. No apology, no thank you either. That wasn't his only not-very-nice comment either, but whatever.

Finally, I told him that he was coming off as a bit boorish and that I didn’t appreciate being treated as his personal librarian. After all, the information he was seeking was easily found on my homepage, not to mention with a few clicks on Google. Well God Forbid I should ever tell someone to do a little work on their own because this poor novice went on quite the rant on the local discussion group about how a "certain community person" (I'm sure the community had a hoot of a time figuring out who that was) didn't want novices asking questions. Of course the community heaped sympathy on him, and tar upon that horrible dreadful person who told him that, gasp, he might do a little research on his own! I guess I am the Big Bad Meanie Bitch of all Time (BBMBT). Somehow though all of this I managed to not post a single comment to the group, something which in itself probably made people think it was me.

Seriously though, I do believe novices should ask questions, and I don't think any question is stupid. After all I did send the guy information twice, both times without any appreciation or even kissing of my feet which I would have appreciated. But in today's world of abundant and free information, is it unreasonable that someone at least take a look before asking me to be Marion the Librarian? Considering that his questions were answered right there on my very own homepage, is it not unreasonable to ask him eyeball the page for 30 seconds? Apparently not, if you ask the community who was busy stockpiling tar and feathers for that evil person who repressed the novice. My friend Stacey makes an interesting observation about this, "I rarely see Dominants doing this, but there's an awful lot of submissives I see saying "teach me," when what they really mean is 'tie me up and spank me.'

The only serious question here is how do we know which information on the internet is quality and which is not. There are a number of good articles on this subject, and I've included some links below. They refer to vanilla subjects, but hey, it's all the same thing. Quality material is quality material – it doesn't matter if it's about baking cakes or spanking your partner or collecting antique leather roses. Gary also points out that, "anyone can post anything on the internet – good, bad or indifferent. But to get something published means that someone must be willing to put some money behind it, and that means it's bound to be a higher-quality product." That's a safe bet, so check out some of the best-selling BDSM introductory books like The Loving Dominant or Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and you can't go wrong.

Back to the finale of our little local drama. Our discussion group was enthusiastic about educating this one novice, but I found it telling that the very next week yet another novice posted an e-mail asking for information on where do I start, what do I buy, and how do I find a partner? This one did not get the slew of responses that the guy last week did, and in fact got no responses at all. With one novice after another wanting to be spoon-fed, maybe it's just "Novice Fatigue." Novice Fatigue is like to "Compassion Fatigue," which is what people get when they've been donating to one disaster fund after another, and just get tired of it all.

It looks like the discussion group got tired of it all like I did. It's understandable of course, and what I do, and many groups as well do is to post a link with information for novices and let that be that. My friend Stacey has a similar approach: "Whenever I run into people like that, I send them off to Steel Door and The Frugal Domme. Steel Door has so many articles about the mental part of it, far more than the kinky part of it that they soon realize it's more complex for many of us. Frugal Domme is so extensive and explicit in the play aspects, that they usually realize they're in over their heads and simply wanted some silk scarf bondage. They end up wandering off thinking that we are all sick bastards. My own little contribution to the community, weeding out the wankers." The message here is that no one person and no group can be the information library for a never-ending influx of novices. Heck, even The Steel Door and the Frugal Domme can't be that. When it comes to information, the Mutual Fund approach is best – invest in a variety of ideas for a good long term gain.

Back in 1985 the community was small enough and so without resources that it was both practical and necessary for every novice to be brought into the fold personally. But today the community has is so large and so mature that novices can enter and find their way without needing to be handled every step. Considering the massive current influx of people via the internet, is it even possible to personally educate every single novice who comes in? I think not. I say send them some helpful links, invite them to join the groups and attend some workshops, then let them fly on their own. They might have gotten into some trouble in 1985 when there were only five books published, and only the devil knew where you could get copies of those, but today you can't barely join a discussion group without tripping over a stack of BDSM links, resources, and articles. All you have to do is let yourself fall into the heap of materials (heck, try the links below) and you'll be just fine. Now let's see, where did I put those note from 1985? I could write some good stuff from back then, I'm sure of it.





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REFERENCES
Evaluating Information Found on the Internet
http://www.library.jhu.edu/researchhelp/general/evaluating/ 

How To Evaluate Information--Checklist
http://www.virtualchase.com/quality/checklist_print.html 

Frugal Domme
Inexpensive & make your own toys
http://www.frugaldomme.com/  

Mistress Steel: The Steel Door
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html 

Some early BDSM Books from earliest to latest – all of which are available on www.amazon.com, some as out of print items.

• Guide to the Correction of Young Gentlemen, by G. Hammer, 1924
• The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, early seventies (updated version available)
• The English vice: Beating, sex, and shame in Victorian England and after, by Ian Gibson, 1978
• Coming to Power: Writings and Graphics on Lesbian S/M - Samois (anthology) 1981
• Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains – 1984 (updated version available – this is a classic)

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications