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How
to Spot a Dominant at Ten Paces
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
I spotted Ronin at the munch. Tall with long black hair in a
ponytail. Dark eyes with a faintly Asian cast. Buttery leather jacket
with silver snakeskin boots. Despite myself, my hand trembled as I took
my Kahlua from the bartender. Yes, Ronin looks exactly like the Dominant
of my dreams. Confident, assertive, mysterious.
Ronin looks like the Dominant of my dreams, but may well not be. It’s
easy to be fooled by beautiful hair, fabulous leathers, or a confident
attitude. The bottom line is that there is no way to spot a Dominant at
ten paces! Unfortunately many Submissives, and particularly novices, are
impressed by these superficial things, making it easy for Dominant
fakers.
Anyone can learn to swing a flogger, talk in BDSMspeak, and wear
13 pounds of leather; but these do not a Dominant make.
If you want a quality partner you’ll have to take some time and get to
know them. In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar choosing a
good partner in general. In others it’s quite different because of the
unique style of our relationships. They key difference is that when we
go into subspace, we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may never
do with a vanilla partner. This makes the D/s relationship far riskier
and we must take extra care when choosing partners. Here are some things
to look for, to avoid, and to ignore in your search for a quality
Dominant.
A Dominant Is…
Respect
A quality Dominant shows respect to Submissives, and to everyone. He or
she asks questions about your life, listens to the answers, and
doesn’t put you down. One man I spoke to recently referred to my
writing (which I consider my best gift) as “your little columns.” If
you hadn’t guessed already, I didn’t go out with him.
Balance
A quality Dominant keeps a balance between their vanilla and BDSM lives.
They can talk about their family, pets, other things that have nothing
to do with BDSM. They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle, and
don’t take themselves too seriously. Avoid Dominants with a chip on
their shoulder, or who cannot hold a job or keep friends. Especially
avoid people who complain about their ex partners or about everyone else
in the scene. One day you will be the ex and they will be bitching about
you.
Communication
A quality Dominant needs to be able to access their emotions, and
articulate them. If they are the stereotypical guy who can’t express
their emotional side, they will not be able to support your emotional
side when the time comes. If they can’t control their temper, or they
make a big drama out of life, they will be too self-directed to take
care of you. One Dominant I know changes the subject when I talk about
sad or angry emotions. I don’t mind so much when it’s about small
things, but this tells me that I couldn’t depend on him if I were
really upset about something.
Consistency
A quality Dominant is as good as their word. If they say they’ll show
up at
6 PM, they show up. If you are going to trust this person with your body and
possibly your heart, you need to know that they will come through. A
sometime Dominant is not an effective Dominant.
Depth
A quality Dominant recognizes that D/s relationships have several
dynamics that are very different, and sometimes far more complex than
vanilla ones. Because of this, he or she should have a better
understanding of human nature than the average Joe or Jane. Messing with
subspace is a heavy experience. My friend Kim has commented that, “to
live a present life you have to understand human nature. But to be a
successful Dominant, you have to really get it at a much deeper
level.” Doing it with a shallow or superficial person makes for a
shallow and superficial experience.
Competency
A quality Dominant does not need to know how to use every toy in the toy
box, but they do need to be motivated to learn. A novice should not be
doing high-end play like whipping, fire play, or knife play without a
mentor to guide them. They should be knowledgeable about how to avoid
sexually transmitted diseases, and have an awareness of first aid. They
know that reading and fantasizing about BDSM is not the same thing as
doing it. My friend Sarah adds that “a good Dom acknowledges that
he’s not the be-all end-all of information. He encourages you to find
information about BDSM from many sources.”
Pacing
A quality Dominant doesn’t hit on you during the first date, and
doesn’t discourage you from dating other people until you are ready to
make a commitment. They know that a good relationship takes time and
that there’s no need to rush in or glom onto you. They also don’t
try to “make” you submit before you have given permission to go
ahead.
References
A quality Dominant is known by someone. A novice may not have BDSM
references, but everyone has friends and family. If they are totally in
the closet and can’t even offer a vanilla reference then they might
not be a good person to get involved with. Being “known” in the
scene doesn’t guarantee that a person is a good Dominant, but they
will probably be a safe Dominant. I know plenty of Dominants who have
great reputations because of their technical knowledge, but have little
to offer when it comes to the complexities of a real relationship.
A Quality Dominant Isn’t…
Lord This and Mistress That
In the days of the Old Guard, a Dominant had to “earn” their leather
vest. Anyone who wore it could be considered a safe and experienced
player. Today, anyone can call themselves Lady Bigcheese or Master
Bigshot. Author Jay Wiseman writes in his article “Ten Tips for the
Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman” of a submissive friend
who “has concluded that there is also a strong inverse relationship
between how many titles a man awards himself and how good a dominant he
is.” Similarly if they make an “entrance” a la Scarlet O’Hara or
claim relationships with many well-known scene personalities, they lose
points on the respect-o-meter. Ignore the titles and look at the person.
Cheating on their Partner
A Dominant who will cheat on their partner, be it spouse or other
relationship, will also cheat on you. I believe in Safe Sane and
Consensual (SSC), and cheating on your partner is not consensual. A
Dominant who lies is not a safe Dominant.
Toy Obsessions
Dominants who obsess about their toy collections send the message that
BDSM is about the toys. It’s not. A quality Dominant does not need
equipment to dominate, only a powerful and creative mind. Not to mention
those who dangle multiple toys off their belt, especially when they
aren’t playing.
Horndog on the Prowl
Many novice Dominants or vanilla horndogs view Submissives as a quick
way to get some free nookie. Wiseman also comments about another
Submissive friend who “has come to believe that there is a strong
inverse relationship between how good a dominant a man is and how
quickly he brings up the subject of fellatio.” I’d laugh if I had
not found this exact thing to be true.
Bullies & Manipulators
Some people think that being a bully means they’re being dominant.
Bullies tell you how things are done and get upset when you disagree.
Adults discuss the options respectfully. A real Dominant doesn’t have
to force you to do anything. Dominants who try to manipulate you into
doing what they want are losers.
A Good Dominant May or May Not
Be…
There are lots of things that people think makes someone a good
Dominant, but in fact they really don’t indicate much of anything.
They include:
You Are Turned On
Just because someone makes you hot doesn’t mean they know a darn thing
about dominating. It could be pheromones or maybe they remind you of an
old flame. It doesn’t mean anything except that you are turned on.
Whether or Not They Initiate
Contact
Some Dominants believe that initiating contact with Submissives is their
nature and so they always take the lead. Others believe in allowing
Submissives to be attracted to them. Neither is indicative of any innate
ability to effectively dominate someone.
Their Ability To Write Well
Communication on the internet is predicated on being able to write and
type well. Many intelligent people cannot do this, and many foolish
people are unwilling to even run a spellcheck. I say foolish because
writing riddled with wrongs makes a bad impression. This being said,
being able to write well has nothing to do with being a good Dominant.
It’s still important to me personally because I’m a writer, but
that’s a different issue.
Privacy Issues
I never give out my real name or contact information to people I’ve
only met online. And yet, I’ve found that Dominants, and particularly
men who do the same thing get less respect. There are just as many
unbalanced women online (Remember
Fatal Attraction?)
as there are unbalanced men. Don’t give out your personal
information, and also don’t worry if they won’t either.
What They Do For a Living
Yes, a stable person will have a stable job. But they don’t need to be
CEO of some corporation to be able to dominate. There is a stereotype of
the female executive submitting in the bedroom, and the male
househusband dominating, but neither are relevant. If ambition is
important to you, fine. But it doesn’t in itself indicate an ability
to either dominate or submit.
Great Clothes
Anyone can buy fabulous leather outfits. Let them know you appreciate
their clothing sense, then move on to more substantial topics.
Assertive Mannerisms
There’s a huge difference between controlling situations, and
controlling a person. Don’t be fooled by people who act assertive in
public.
Charm & Flirtatiousness
It might be fun to flirt with a charming Dominant, but social skills
have little to do with the ability to control.
Paying for the Date (or whatever)
I used to think that the Dominant should pay for the date because they
were the Dominant. On the other hand, some Dominants expect the
Submissives to pay as an homage. A person may well be a fabulous
Dominant, but is unemployed, low on cash, or may believe in equality
outside the BDSM relationship. Several people I dated had met several
Submissives before me, and were frankly tired of paying for all these
dates that never went anywhere. The bottom line is that the person who
asks for the date should pay for it. Don’t play games like waiting for
them to pick up the check - talk about it up front.
This
being said, money is an important element in the BDSM relationship. My
friend and author Master Alan adds that, “the essential difference
between D/s and vanilla is the degree to which we negotiate the
relationship. For example, money is an essential part of any
relationship and it has to be negotiated just as the ropes and toys...
but don’t get caught up in the need for things to be egalitarian.
There is nothing egalitarian about D/s relationships. They are about the
exchange of power and in that, money is simply another dynamic for the
equation.”
I’ve been getting to know Ronin, and it turns out that not only does
he look like a fabulous Dominant, he also is one. But I didn’t know
this from his snakeskin boots, I learned it from how he responded to me
over time. When it comes to judging domliness, only fools rush in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright
2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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