A Dominant’s Ethics and Some Messy Emotional Areas of the Human Psyche

By Sensuous Sadie 
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

A bit after midnight, and Diego had one hell of a hardon. His body was more than willing, but his eyes reflected indecision. Some kind of debate was going on in his head, a debate that he simply could not articulate. To his credit he allowed his conscience to guide him, and guide my hand off of that hell of a hardon.

Sometimes, being a Dominant is just no darn fun. Why? Because sometimes Dominants have to be mature, be strong, be responsible, say no. Diego faced this, just as I do when in Dominant mode myself. It's not so much that I'm an immature, irresponsible, weak yes woman, but I admit sometimes it would be more fun to take the easy route. So many Submissives are clearly in conflict even as they tell me that they want to be taken, overpowered. They invoke my Dominant self and suppose that I won’t be able to control myself.

Instead, in my plodding analytical way, I insist that they consent in some overt manner, even if it detracts from the fantasy. As I see it, we're only in the bedroom some of the time. It may be fun in the short run, but without his consent, I'll end up paying for that takedown. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

One moment of ethical pain in the ass came when my submissive was in a bad emotional place. He wanted me to hurt him because he wanted to hurt himself. Not in the fun way that we all groove on, but in that "you need a therapist" way. I refused, because while many people do emotional edge play that deals with deep issues and traumatic experiences, I’m not qualified to go to any of those places with anyone. Maybe as I friend I can, but not as a Dominant. Bringing out unreleased issues can trigger serious emotional and mental situations, none of which I'm prepared to cope with. Heck, I'm not always prepared to cope with the garden variety ones that flower in every relationship.

Some argue that BDSM is an excellent tool for improving mental health specifically because of it's cathartic properties. This may be true, but there are no rulebooks on how to keep from damaging your Submissive (or your Dominant). The mind, being largely a mystery, is not someplace I want to explore when it comes to traumatic experiences. BDSM author and teacher Catherine Gross takes a more moderate stand on this, saying that, "I believe SM can add to the richness of our lives. For example, let’s say a woman has issues with her weight. She believes herself to be unattractive. She has covered herself from neck to toe because she has felt herself to be unattractive. One night, her top has her dress in garters, a corset, stockings, heels and a thong. He takes her to the local dungeon. She is afraid to take her coat off but does when her top tells her too. For the next three hours, people tell her she’s beautiful, that her curves are luscious. This woman is going to walk out of the dungeon possibly with a new set of positive feelings. That experience was therapeutic for her."

Author Master Alan explains in a different way, "Imagine a little girl protecting an open wound. Curled up with her hands over the pain. Daddy approaches and takes her hands. She resists, not wanting to expose the place that hurts. Their eyes meet and she surrenders, letting her Daddy expose the open wound. She knows his touch will hurt, but she trusts it will also heal. At the moment their eyes meet, there is an emotional exchange that takes place. She is afraid. He acknowledges her fear but will not relent. She surrenders. That moment encapsulates the essence of emotional play."

Is this kind of emotional pain different from the physical pain which we mostly understand and accept? We know that physical pain heals, and usually quickly. Even permanent marks like brands and tattoos may continue to be visible, but are still essentially a healed part of our body. Given safe, sane and consensual play, permanent damage is rare. To a certain extent the body is a reflection of the mind in that they are intricately connected, but in many ways the body is also a mechanical object. For example, I get tendonitis when I type too much. If I do my stretches it eases, telling me that this is mostly a mechanical problem. In contrast, my friend Leela believes that physical illnesses are manifestations of the mind and spirit. For example, headaches and many other illnesses can be traced directly back to stress. This does not mean that everything comes from our mind; some things are just plain wear and tear on our bodies from physical stresses. In contrast, emotional pain and trauma go far deeper. Unlike the body, which easily gives up its secrets, it's harder to know when there is emotional trauma hidden under the surface.

Because of the difficulty in knowing about a Submissive’s emotional situation, I draw the line at humiliating them. Sure I'll call my submissive a slut, a piece of meat, whatever, but I mean it in a loving and sexy way and he knows it. I don’t do humiliation play because I think the world tears us down enough. Self esteem is a very real issue, and sometimes it seems as if it affects BDSM people in greater numbers – or then, maybe it’s just more obvious. Dominants, of course, also have self esteem issues, but it’s easier to disguise self hatred with five yards of elkskin and a singletail coiled on your belt.

In the articles describing the difference between BDSM and abuse, there’s a clearly delineated difference between the two, and for the most part it is a clearly delineated difference. Unfortunately, because so much of submitting is about allowing access highly delicate emotional place, it is not at all difficult for Dominants to accidentally cross that line. My hope here is that both Dominants and Submissives will become more aware of this delicate area so be better able to make healthy decisions when they face complex situations in their relationship. It was this knowledge that helped me pull away from Diego on that fateful night. He may never be able to tell me fully what it was that held him back, but at least I will know where his window of vulnerability lies.

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Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter for the New England area and beyond. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications