Creating an Atmosphere for BDSM Play

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

I stood in the darkened room, with only the wink of a candle to keep me company. My corset pressed my breasts upward, my nipples peeking out into the tingly air. I smelled a mulled cider candle far away in another room. I tasted a drop of blood, maybe from biting my lip. Leather cuffs fit snugly on my wrists and ankles, clinking softly as I paced. So I stood still, waiting for her to return.

I was waiting for my Dominant Elizabeth to come for me. She, was waiting for me to be ready, for my day-to-day life to drift off on the wings of a bird. She lead me up the long flight of stairs to her playroom, draped and dark. Then she took me away, away from that room, further to a deeper, darker place. Subspace.

Elizabeth has a gift for approaching D/s play as a whole experience. She knows that subspace happens first in the head, so she began setting up the scene long before lifting which first flogger. Her goal was to have me "weak with wanting" by the time I reached the top of those steps.

Days before that moment, we talked on the phone, and exchanged emails exploring my limits and interests.

Hours before that moment, I told her about my need to be vulnerable and helpless and she told me of her intentions, generally speaking. She gave me just enough information to make me salivate, but not enough to be flippant.

Minutes before that I had dressed, my hands trembling, my breath shallow. Her voice and her reminders ran through the back of my mind.

Many Dominants jump right into play without a thought for the build-up, the anticipation. This can sometimes be fun, an impulsive moment, the energetic rush. Jumping in is easier with couples who have been together for a while, because the boundaries are familiar. That wild scene can be a huge turn on, at least until you have to run to the dresser to find a condom and have to dig through three drawers and two piles of freshly laundered clothes, and still can't find the mint ones and you get pissed off… and… you get the idea.

Dominants who plan well see their scenes unfold in a smooth and beautiful expanse. This is particularly helpful to the many Submissives who need a safe place to let down their guard. My friend Brandon says "I think of a scene as theater, controlled by the Dominant. It has to have anticipation, a start, a climax (not necessarily sexual), and a resolution phase. It is an art form." In this section I'll look at some of the things you can do to create a complete experience.

With each Submissive with whom I work, I start with a standard checklist of BDSM-type interests. We talk about each item and where it fits into their fantasy and real life. For each scene, I choose a few of my Submissive's favorite activities and work them into my own fantasy. For example, they may want me to bind them tightly so they can feel the total helplessness in movement. So I'll tie them, but I may also fuck them while they are in that state, so their helplessness is not only in movement, but in their ability to control the act of being taken. I want them to experience some of the things they want, as well as the things I want. My job is not to give them everything they fantasize about, at least not all at once, but also to help them understand that the submission itself, the submission to my will is what the experience is about. One Submissive I knew would only do what he wanted his way. Although he knew I would never cross his boundaries, he simply could not comprehend the bigger picture. I explained I was not a prostitute being paid to do what he wanted, and that was the end of that.

I am a planner, so I envision each scene well in advance. Sometimes I write notes so the things I want to happen in a certain order, will happen in that certain order. I very much enjoy the planning as a pleasure in itself, but it's also okay to do a shorter planning cycle just before the scene, as long as you have enough time to get everything in place. Here are some of the things you will want to consider when planning a scene.


Weaving A Spell
What will the tone of the scene be? Will the focus be on punishment? Loving care? Humiliation? Pleasure? Service? Once you have an idea of where you are going, you can create an atmosphere which create the foundation of the experience. You want to weave a spell.


The Buildup
The scene actually starts long before the first moment together. Sometimes I give my Submissives homework to complete before we meet. This often involves getting together an appropriate outfit for the scene, as well as possibly buying a particular toy which both excites and scares them, as well as adds nicely to my collection. I might also have them write down their fantasies, limit their freedom to masturbate, or have them wear a butt plug or other toy to work. It's not so much the specific acts I choose, but that they are following orders, an act which in itself prepares them for the upcoming scene.


The Dominant Scout Creed – Be Prepared
Lay out all of your toys well in advance of the scene. If you don't have time to do this in advance, set up the scene so you'll have 15 minutes sometime early on to do preparations. One way to do this is to either tie up your Submissive for a short while or give them a particular task to do for a little while to build up their anticipation, while you dig props out of the toy box. (aren't we efficient?) But remember, this can also backfire as they are going to hear you rooting around trying to find that flogger and quite possibly get totally distracted and end up planning their grocery list. It's one thing to build anticipation, and another to be so disorganized that you lose momentum and the magic of the scene dissipates.

Don't forget to turn the phone, the beeper and other gadgets off. Lock the door, and put the dog out of the way. This is your time for you and your Submissive. Don't let daily life intrude. Also - if you have a new toy be sure to test it on yourself or have a friend test it on you before using it on your Submissive the first time during a scene.


Location Location Location
Do you have a special room for D/s play? A bedroom is nice, but we often associate bedrooms with sleeping, getting dressed, and sometimes having the flu. Can you create a room just for D/s play, a place where you feel a little shiver every time you walk in? If so, all the better. If you have to use the bedroom, make sure there is sufficient space for play and for laying out your toys. Change the look and feel of the room by using candles, drapes, special satin comforters, or anything which will make the room look and feel different. If all fails, use a blindfold on your Submissive, then the décor will be irrelevant.


Lighting
What kind of lighting will you choose? Dark and shadowy rooms create a mysterious atmosphere. How about bright lights or spotlights to make your Submissive feel on display? How much light will you need to use the toys you are thinking of? Tying or untying knots in the dark is no fun, not to mention unsafe. If you are playing with a Submissive who is sensitive about their body or just shy about the first time, you may want to have subdued lighting to help them feel more comfortable.


Dress
How we dress affects how we feel both on the superficial level (do I look sexy?) as well as a deeper one (does this outfit express my dominant spirit?). As the Dominant, you will want to wear clothes that express your nature. They should not be clothes you normally wear to work, to the beach, or wherever, unless that's part of the fantasy. They should make you feel confident, sexy, and strong. Leather is always a good bet, along with latex or PVC clothing in bold colors like black, red, and purple. Try to gear your clothing toward the type of evening you have planned. For example, you might wear a "power suit" for a scene involving a stern punishment scene. In contrast, wear a flowing "goddess" type dress if you will be creating a loving and pleasure-filled experience. Use the act of dressing to invoke your own dominant spirit.

Your Submissive will also feel their submission invoked when they dress in ritual clothing. I always require my Submissives to wear body-revealing clothing which allows me access to any part of their body. Encourage your Submissive to use the act of dressing up as their mental and emotional entre into the scene.


Inscensed
Candles, flowers, and incense can create a magical atmosphere. Just remember that many people are allergic to incense, including myself. Others find certain candle scents to be distracting, and possibly annoying. Ask your partner if they like those gladiolas before piling on the flowers. Remember also to have the house reasonably clean before a scene. The scent of an untidy kitty litter box can yank the glamour out of any scene, no matter how well planned.


Lead with your Voice
Your voice is one of the most important things that will lead your Submissive into subspace. So don't chatter on like a magpie about daily activities – keep those conversations for the breakfast table. This is the time for a soft, low speaking voice that will carry your Submissive deeper and deeper. Speak in directives and tell him or her where you are taking them. Is it to a mystical path? To depths of pain they have never experienced? To a safe and loving place? Your voice may be all they need to go there. It's fine to ask questions that are critical to the scene such as if they are warm enough, or too much pain etc. But avoid asking complex questions about other issues, whether vanilla or otherwise because this will often yank them out of subspace faster than a bat out of hell.


A Seduction Snack
I often use a light dinner or snack to relax and set the scene, as well as revive both of us afterwards. Preparing food can give both partners time to get comfortable, as well as allow the Submissive to slip into a more service-oriented mode if that's on the menu. Many Americans have low blood sugar, probably thanks to all the junk food we all eat as kids, so it's a good idea to feed your Submissive before launching into an intense scene. Keep the focus on light breads, cheeses, fruits, and vegetables. Consider serving "aphrodisiac" type foods such as chocolate and oysters, as well as sexy foods like strawberries and watermelon. You will want to avoid red meat, beans, fried foods, and soda for their sleepy, sluggish, and gassy properties. Avoid excessive liquids of any kind; you don't want to have to untie an hour's worth of decorative bondage so your Submissive can hit the bathroom running. However, if your scene is longer than an hour or so, offer something to drink. And needless to say, no alcohol.


Musical Chairs
I love to sing, so if there's something like Bob Seger on the CD player, I'm likely to burst out singing mid-scene. Talk about blowing the atmosphere. I generally recommend music which does not have words, and is not so popular that one of us might hum along. Choose music which fits the tone of what you are doing, and is instrumental in style. Many Dominants like musicians like Enya and Enigma which have a mystical feeling to them. Personally I'm annoyed by that kind of music, and generally choose soft jazz or blues. My friend Brandon prefers silence so he (and his Submissive) can hear the swish of the whip, and the grunts, sighs, and sobs of his Submissive.

Loud or soft? If you have neighbors who are close, make the music loud enough to cover any noise you make, but not so loud as to encourage them to call the cops. If this isn't an issue, keep the music soft so you can hear your Submissive speak. Be sure to set your CD player to play several CD's, or put the player on repeat, so you don't have to jump up to change the CD after a period of dead silence.



Where your mind roams
All these components of the scene-setting are important, but the most important one is that you are ready and prepared to slip into dominant mode. If you are distracted by problems with your family or work, you will not be able to dominate effectively. Find a way to put your life aside for a while and focus on what you are doing. Even if you don't spend a moment's thought on the atmosphere in general, if your mind is in the right place, your Submissive will follow.

Be sure to talk to your Submissive as well about their state of mind. They may have had a terrible day at work, and need some cuddling more than a big complicated BDSM scene.


Does anybody really know what time it is?
If you are a night owl and so is your Submissive – great! That's the perfect time for some great scenes when you both will be energetic and awake. But if they, like me, pass out at 10 pm, start earlier or you are going to have one sleepy Submissive on your hands. Not the optimal situation for erotic passion.


Posthaste
Going into subspace can be a deeply moving experience. Plan some time after the scene to give your Submissive both emotional and physical comfort. Hold them closely, and allow them to come down at their own speed. Have a glass of water handy, talk softly with them about how they are feeling, whether they have any special needs like being cold, or anything hurting in a bad way. After they've recovered, talk openly about what worked and what didn't. You will also want to follow up in a few days to find out if they discovered anything later they need to share with you.


The individual scene is the essence of the D/s relationship. The best scenes give the Submissive a safe place to let go, and the Dominant a safe place to explore.






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My Gender Neutral Writing Policy
My goal is to show respect to both Dominants and Submissives through the form of my writing as well as the content. I also feel that using correct formal English is critical to broader acceptance of our lifestyle.

As a result, I capitalize both Dominant and Submissive, because I believe they are equal partners in the D/s relationship – similar to a yin yang. In addition, I capitalize both Dominant and Submissive when referring to a person, but not when it's an adjective such as in "she was acting dominant." In all cases, I use the gender-neutral "Dominant" instead of Dom, Domme, or Dom/me. I use gender neutral words like "they" instead of the common usage of "He" for Masters/Dominants and "She" for Slaves/Submissives.


Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.


Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications

*Special thanks to Elizabeth for her input into this column.