The Trials and Tribulations… and Joys, of Running Rose & Thorn of Vermont. (And Tips on How To Start Your Own Group!)

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

*Special note: As of February, 2002 Sadie stepped down from the leadership role. The current management is somewhat different now.

How We Got Started

Vermont isn't exactly known as the hub of sophisticated BDSM activity, but you might be surprised at how many kinky people live among our green mountains. If fact, as Rose & Thorn nears its third anniversary, we had hundreds people on the mailing list. When you consider that only a portion of the population here has found us on line, I imagine thousands of other Dominant and submissive Vermonters yearning to discover our community.

A few years ago, things were quite different. There were a few attempts at starting groups, but all of them folded for lack of leadership, most sooner rather than later. I remember when I attended the first BDSM munch here at CafÈ No No in Burlington about six years ago. There were ten of us in a little coffee shop in the old north end, all terrified that one of us might know another - and so of course some of us did. But the thrill of seeing these ten people, all looking pretty much like me, was truly mind-blowing. These people weren't wearing leather clothes and chains! They didn't have pierced tongues or too much black eye shadow or bad attitudes. Most of them looked like Vermonters - something of a cross between L.L. Bean and Macy's. And it wasn't just how we looked that gave us something in common. I liked having friends I could talk openly with about my sexual orientation. It was nice not to have to "watch" my conversation. I was home.

A few years later, my Master Bruce moved to Florida and I found myself without a partner, and still without a community. In June of 1999 I hosted the first Rose & Thorn party (although the group didn't have that name yet). These first twelve people met at my home, all scared but also thrilled - just as I had been (and still was, a bit). Coincidentally, I met my next partner at that very party, who would be the love of my life. You could say I started the group from enlightened self-interest, but hey, you can't blame a girl.

Over the few years we grew and grew, until we had to limit the size of the parties. We host one party a month at one of our guest's homes. We don't charge any money for anything, just ask that they bring food to share. We eventually created a steering committee which we call the Core Group, about ten of us who make policy and deal with both thorny issues and thorny guests. We have a lot of policies, because we have strong beliefs about the Safe, Sane, and Consensual approach. This sounds obvious on the surface, but it means we often debate such issues such as whether to allow guests who don't have the consent of their partners, how to handle unsafe players, and how to manage our own growth while not undermining the cohesiveness of our group.

It seems like BDSM groups are popping up all over as our culture becomes more acclimated to the idea of alternate lifestyles. Many people ask me how to start a group or munch, and all I can say is Go For It! If we can build such a vibrant organization in a state with this small a population, it can be done anywhere.

Every group needs a strong and focussed leader. I don't say this out of vanity, but because although I believe in the democratic process, there must be one person in every group whose nature it is to Make Things Happen. In our group, that person is me. I make all the day-to-day decisions, and bring all major issues to the Core Group for discussion and debate. Once a group gets a bit larger, it is just plain too much work for one person to do themselves, and a steering committee is necessary. Our Core Group is an amazing bunch of people: dedicated, passionate and caring. There are two schools of thought among leaders on the best way to run a BDSM group. About half seem to be like me, believing that one leader is the best way to go. The other half feel that a democratic board is optimal. Rose & Thorn had had a hybrid of these two which may have contributed to its success.

The first thing to decide is what kind of BDSM group you want. Rose & Thorn is a strictly social group, with educational demos but no "play" at our gatherings. Our goal is to build a BDSM community and provide a forum for people to meet each other. We screen each and every guest to make sure they are sincere BDSM folk. Down south, there are New Hampshire munches at a local mall - so anyone can attend. Our sister group, PENE, has both social meetings in public places, as well as play parties. And of course there are many groups who are both "organized" and official - in that they have membership fees, websites, seminars and other offerings. If you decide what kind of group you want at the beginning, you will be able to follow through with issues on a more consistent basis.

I had a bit of an advantage when I started Rose & Thorn, because I had been dating Dominant men through the alt.personals.bondage bulletin board for a few years, and had kept their e-mail addresses. But even without that, it's not so hard to find other D/s folk. Some of the marketing approaches I found successful included putting information on my AOL profile, placing an ad on Yahoo personals, and writing to other BDSM groups in nearby states. There are also quite a few personal ads in our local "arts" newspaper that have a BDSM subtext. We now have a "no marketing" policy because the group has begun to attract people by the very fact of its existence.

Many people have no idea what I do as leader, or the amount of work our Core Group puts into every event. Some of the things I do include managing our mailing list, sending our FAQ and invitation to interested guests, arranging for people to be screened by phone, thinking up themes and entertainment at the parties, and sending out our weekly newsletter. If you want to be a group leader you will need to be highly organized (some even say I am anally retentive ;) have strong personal boundaries, and be diplomatic under stress. Many guests will ask you for things that you are not willing or not interested in doing and you will have to say NO quite often. As leader, you will get "hit on" on a regular basis, asked for personal advice, and yanked this way and that by high-maintenance guests. You need to know who you are and what you believe, because you will eventually have to defend, explain, or describe it to someone.

An elemental part of being an effective leader is "responsiveness." Translated, that means that I respond to all requests within a day or two. I have made the job much easier because I have everything in "boilerplate" letters, but even so I spend perhaps an hour a day keeping up with things. For many people, all they need is you to respond to them, even if the answer is no.

Our Core Members have a variety of responsibilities. They show up to every event early (that way no guest is the "first" to arrive, and it give us time to bond), screen new guests, play "goodwill ambassador" to newbies, lead the parties (make announcements, handle issues, get the demo going etc), donate gifts for our occasional raffles, greet people at the door, and arrange for guests, demos, vendors and other entertainment.

Our Core Group meets quarterly and we vote on major issues that came up during the last few months. We decide minor issues by e-mail vote. For example, recently there was a debate on the alcohol policy. Our current policy is a two-drink maximum, and we do not provide any alcohol. Our general feeling is that light alcohol use is acceptable at our events because we are not a "play" organization, and because it acts as a "social lubricant" for nervous guests. In fact, we have never had a problem with drinking, and most parties are completely "dry." Recently however we had one guest who came to the party already inebriated. Our job as Core Group members was to decide if the alcohol policy should be changed (we are aware that many groups prohibit it entirely), how to handle this particular guest in terms of his attending future events, and how to handle such a problem should it occur again. Other issues we've grappled with are the types of demos we want to have at our events, and how to handle the liability and risk that we are taking on because of Rose & Thorn's existence.

Despite the work that leading our group entails, I have found it to be enormously satisfying on a personal and organizational basis. Aside from being in a great position to meet new guys (yes, I'm single again), I often receive letters from guests who are so very happy to have found a place where they can feel safe in talking and learning about BDSM. For many of them, it's the first time they've had such a place. I have also witnessed many couples meeting and falling in love, and it's quite satisfying to know I had a hand in that.

I have also developed from a "reluctant" leader into one who is proactive, diplomatic, and visionary (or so I'd like to believe). The leadership skills I have learned through dealing with both delicate and difficult issues have translated well to my career. My sister says that I have "Joan of Arc" syndrome, in that I have a vision and heaven help anyone who gets in my way; and maybe she's right. But charging into the fray is also a gift, because it's people like us who change the world.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications