In Safe Arms, by artist Richard Savage

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com


I have come out to some twenty-five people in my life, and have gotten reactions ranging from "oooh how sexy!" to "that's interesting… so are you getting sesame chicken or pad thai? I must have done a good job at screening the outees because it's been pretty smooth sailing. This all changed when I came out to Duncan, a vanilla guy I've been dating. Unlike those other twenty-five people, he responded with something akin to a panic attack.

Let me back up a little here, because you're probably wondering why on earth I was dating a vanilla guy in the first place. You see, I met Duncan when he was fundraising for an animal rescue group. He had a dominant streak so I hoped for the best; after all I'd read the section on transforming a vanilla into kinky in John Warren's classic The Loving Dominant. Over time I let Duncan know that I liked a man who was sexually dominant and soon after gave him my little soapbox speech on the basics of BDSM. He was a wee bit taken aback, but soon recovered and we spent the rest of the afternoon smooching on my king-sized bed.

A wee bit was not to be however, because after sleeping on it that night, Duncan called me up and told me that this kind of psychotic sickness was against his morals and ethics. Not only could he never date me again, he couldn't even be friends. I can only suppose then that he was running on some pretty wild misconceptions despite my efforts at explaining Safe, Sane and Consensual and the rest of the "you don't have to do anything you don't want to, and neither do I" spiel. Fortunately he returned the books I lent him, although he did say he couldn't even look at them. Too bad about that because he could have used the education.

Despite my generally good sense of self, I felt sad all that day. It's one thing if someone you like doesn't want to spank you, but a whole other thing when he calls you a whack job for wanting to be spanked. This despite everything he knew about me, from my donations to the food shelf to my dedication to my work to the fact that I never kick puppies. This one thing eclipsed everything else; a trump card that made the rest of me immaterial.

Just so you know, Duncan was wrong about BDSM being psychopathic, sociopathic, or even whack job. Ten years ago the American Psychiatric Association did for sadomasochism what it had done for homosexuality two decades earlier, and eliminated gayness from its list of proclivities that qualified as "crazy." The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) views BDSM the same way it sees grief, anxiety or other mental states: It only rises to the level of a diagnosable dysfunction when it causes "clinically significant distress" or impairs one's ability to function. (this from Ruth Horowitz' article Tough Love, in Seven Days newspaper) In my case, the only person who experienced significant distress was Duncan. My own stress level was mild and related only to being rejected and knowing I was going to be missing out on that amazing feeling of being held in his safe arms.

Duncan of course is just one person in a sea of Americans, but perhaps not all that unusual. After all even in Vermont there are an awful lot of people still fighting against civil unions, and gay people getting hooked up doesn't by definition include any corporeal punishment like BDSM often does. This was brought to mind rather vividly when our local arts paper ran a feature article on a local BDSM couple. The article was fair and open minded, offering lots of well-researched information and surprisingly, no drama. I thought the author/editor Ruth Horowitz was terribly courageous to do a piece like this, and I told her so.

Good thing, because she would surely need the props after reading the first letter to the editor from a Mr. Cleary which said: " Women who are slapped and punched every day, cut in the face, stabbed, raped and put down as dogs − our epidemic violence against women in America − will surely feel brutalized by Ruth Horowitz's leering, juvenile piece, 'Tough Love' …The Horowitz piece in your (usually excellent) street-level tabloid will only encourage the daily violence against the defenseless, and empower brutes to keep doing it." Clearly Mr. Cleary missed Ruth's very articulate message of Safe, Sane and Consensual, not to mention that "submissive" does not translate as "female." I didn't take this diatribe quite as personally because somehow it seemed one step removed, although I have no doubt that had we met in person I'd be drenched with his rage.

This situation is a more public and political version of the thrashing (not consensual) I went through at the hands of Duncan. Having hung around in the alternative sexuality community so long, I had quite forgotten the viciousness that alternative sexuality brings out in people who are afraid of something different, even kind fundraising for animals guys like Duncan, and Mr. Cleary who turned out to be the husband of a local Unitarian Universalist minister. I myself am a card carrying UU, and cherish this faith for its acceptance of all races, colors and creeds. You can understand how horrified I was that this vitriol was coming out of a man who I had chatted with by the UU coffeepot.

Worse than just an article here or there, it is far too easy for someone outside the BDSM scene to chip away at our community with dramatic and ignorant statements. One of my friends in the scene, Lacy, added, "I am afraid that if we innocently subscribe to the notion that publicity (as long as it is balanced and non-sensationalist) is okay we will find our meetings infiltrated by cameras, police, and religious fundamentalists who will employ the 'John's Law' tactics of public display and outing to force us back into the shadows. The aftermath is that we will need to be more cautious and suspicious in those who approach our leadership for entry. It will only require one successful infiltration by fundamentalist or police agencies intent on driving us out of their community to inflict inestimable harm upon us. Personally, that's one flog I don't want to have laid across my back."

Lacy is talking about the delicate line that people in an alterative community tread when agreeing to publicize their activities. On the one hand, it brings awareness and education to the broader community, but it can also bring an element of fear to people who need to stay in the closet. I think Lacy would have preferred that the article not be published in the first place, and I have mixed feelings myself. The reason is that I have chosen not to educate the wider vanilla community about what I do, because inasmuch as those attitudes are reflected in Duncan and Mr. Cleary's diatribes, I feel that they are too shut down to hear. There are also the "undecided" as we might call them in an election, and those people might be swayed to let us be as we will be, que sera sera. It was this group that the couple featured in the article were no doubt hoping to enlighten. I myself have chosen another route, which is to help validate and raise the consciousness inside of our own alternative community. Even though we've all chosen this lifestyle, fear and low self-esteem still abound.

Every single voice that champions our right to live as we choose offers a spoonful of courage to those who need it, be they an alternative sexuality, or just alternative. By speaking with pride, I open the hearts of both those in our own little community as well as those outside who know me. Although it may not have been successful with Duncan or Mr. Cleary for that matter, that's still pretty good odds.



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LETTERS

I just wanted to say that I loved your article "Tolerance Begins at Home: Fighting BDSM Bigotry." It was well written, and the information is helpful. A family member outed me to my mom a couple of years ago. My family, who never should have known anything about my private life made me feel awful. My mother said something like, "How could you do this if you care about us?" Mind you, I hadn't even done anything yet at that point. To make a long story short, I feel better about myself now that I've read your article. Thank you.
~ Maya  

Tough Love by Ruth Horowitz: A consensual conversation with two slap-happy Vermonters  

https://www.sevendaysvt.com/index.php?id=638

The Loving Dominant by John Warren 
Read the SCENEprofiles Interview with John Warren

Quotes reprinted with permission

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2005 Sadie Sez Publications